


Let Me Show You How to Love Yourself (Larry Stylinson)

by larry_love23



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Anorexia, Chaptered, Eating disorders are not romanticized, Emotional Roller Coaster, Established Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson, Falling In Love, Fanfiction, Fluff and Angst, Harry Has An Eating Disorder, Insecurity, LGBT, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Love Triangle, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Modern Romance, One Direction Imagines, Recovery, Rehab, Romance, Romantic Harry, Sassy Louis, Smut, Thriller, pride month, ziam, zouis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-16
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-05-23 23:10:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 41
Words: 64,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14943104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/larry_love23/pseuds/larry_love23
Summary: Harry Styles lives in a flat in London with his roommates Zayn and Liam. When Louis -- a handsome and spunky magazine writer -- moves in across the hall, he quickly develops an interest in Harry. Harry is interested as well, but has some issues of his own to sort out before he can give Louis his full attention. He's been in and out of the hospital for anorexia, and Zayn and Liam are worried a wild new relationship may set him back.I didn't forget Niall. He is Louis' Irish roommate. You'll find out all about him too.Trigger warnings: eating disorders, mental health issues, self-harmWriting style: 3rd person. Giving it a whirl!Best ratings: #6 in #AnorexiaRecovery





	1. Mornings In the Flat

"Hey Hazza! Time to wake up, love," Zayn shouted, throwing open the blinds in Harry's room. Harry moaned as the bright sun beams struck his sleepy eyes, and pulled the covers over his face to avoid the morning light. 

"Fuck off, Zayn!" Harry groaned as he readjusted himself beneath the lilac blanket. 

Zayn laughed and pulled the covers off of Harry, causing him to jolt awake in a panic as the cold winter air hit his skin. 

"Zayn, you know I get fucking cold. Stop!" Harry shouted. His thin body was completely covered in thick sweatpants, woolen socks and two sweatshirts, but he was shivering profusely, his long brown curls bouncing on his back. 

Just at that moment, Liam walked into the room. While Zayn was usually considered the prankster, Liam was the "dad" of the bunch, always delegating chores to everyone in the flat and making sure each boy got home okay after a long night out at the pub. 

Liam took one look at Harry shivering and rolling around his bed like a rolly polly bug and shot Zayn a dirty look, glaring at him with his deep brown eyes. "Zayn," he hissed through his teeth. "You have to be gentle with him. You know he gets cold, you can't shock his body like that."

Harry, who was now sitting upright in bed, nodded in agreement, his big green eyes looking a bit more lively than usual, but still scarily sunken into his gaunt face. 

Zayn looked down at the floor, guiltily, running a hand through his dark hair. "I'm sorry, Harry," he said quietly. "I just wanted you to get up because we're making you breakfast before we leave for work this morning."

Harry nodded, but his stomach lurched at the thought of eating something. "Hazza," Liam cooed, as he helped Harry down from his lofted bed, offering him a strong arm for support. "Just come and try a few bites. It's just fruit with yogurt. We got Greek yogurt -- it's healthy and has protein."

"Sure," Harry said softly, his voice cracking a bit. "I can handle that. I had more than that most mornings at the hospital."

"Of course, mate. You can do it," Zayn said, leading him to the kitchen. Liam took a seat with Harry at the square, cream-colored table and handed him a spoon. Unlike Liam, who had been up for hours prepping for his presentation and getting dressed, Zayn was running late, and struggled with his tie in the corner of the kitchen. 

"Fuck this presentation today," Zayn groaned to Liam, as he redid the knot for the second time. 

"Hey -- I prepared hard for this. You better not fuck us over here Malik. My promotion depends on it," Liam replied, stone-faced. Zayn stared back at him, tie in hand, and then the two boys burst out laughing, their high-pitched giggles filling the quiet kitchen nook. 

"Fuck you mate," Zayn giggled, slapping Liam's shoulder. "I thought you were bloody serious."

Zayn and Liam had met about a year ago when working at the same office building in Canary Wharf. Oddly enough, Zayn was moving out of his old place when Liam desperately needed another roommate a few months ago, so Liam offered him a room and things went swimmingly from there. 

Zayn moved in with Liam and Harry, his best friend from uni, and the three of them hit off perfectly, despite Liam and Harry having a deeper history. In fact, after just a few weeks, Harry and Zayn began to form a close friendship. In fact, sometimes Harry preferred to tell things to Zayn rather than Liam -- mostly because he was less protective and didn't overreact quite as much. 

As Zayn and Liam laughed over their presentation, Harry sat at the table, swirling his yogurt around with his spoon and taking small, slow bites. As he returned his gaze to Harry, Liam furrowed his brow at the sighing boy, who was now stuffing little fruit pieces into his napkin.

"Harry," Liam said softly. "Love, please don't throw your food away. You have to eat." Harry looked up at him, his green eyes watering, and shook his head. "I -- I just can't," he whispered. "They made me eat so much at the hospital. I can't do it anymore."

Harry began to get up from the table, his thin legs shaking as he tried to steady himself on the cold tile floor. Zayn, who was now leaning against the kitchen counter behind the two other boys, gently grabbed Harry's arm and gave him a sad look. "Please, Harry," he said. "Liam and I just want to help you with your meal plan. If you think it's too much you can ask your nutritionist on Wednesday when you see her. But for now, we just want you to try and have breakfast. Not even all of it -- just half. Please?"

Harry sat back down in the chair, frowning deeply as he looked at the mushy pile he had just created in his bowl. Sensing his disgust at the texture, Liam swapped bowls with him. "Here, have mine. I haven't touched it yet," he said with a smile. 

Harry grabbed the spoon and slowly ate three medium-sized bites. The yogurt was actually delicious -- but it wasn't the flavor he was afraid of. It was the calories. And the carbs and the fat and the hours it would take to burn it all off... Harry shuddered as he thought of the weight that he was probably gaining just by sitting here. 

Liam sent a guilty to Zayn and started scarfing down Harry's yogurt bowl, rising up quickly afterwards to put it in the sink. "Hungry, Z?" he asked. "No time, mate," replied Zayn with an exaggerated sigh. "This tie took all day. Hit me with a rice crispy treat. I'll eat it on the tube." 

If he was being honest, Zayn wasn't much of a breakfast-eater. Ever since he was a kid, he never had much of an appetite in the morning. But he had to make a conscious effort to avoid skipping meals around Harry, who according to Liam, would only be encouraged and triggered by the experience. Zayn wasn't so sure that was true, but he didn't want to take a risk on the younger boy's health, which was already rapidly deteriorating. 

Harry stared at Zayn in horror as he took the Rice Crispy Treat from Liam. How could someone eat so unhealthily and still be thin? If I ate that I would look awful in seconds... Harry thought to himself. 

"Harry?" Liam called over his shoulder. Without Harry noticing, his roommates had left the kitchen and were now standing by the front door. "Harry, please eat as much as you can. And keep it down, love. We'll be back during lunch to check on you. No exercising please. Your heart is too weak. The doctors showed me the tests." 

"I won't, I promise," Harry called across the room. He flashed a forced smile to Zayn and Liam, who were now jogging out the door with their suitcases, and waved goodbye. 

But even Harry knew he was lying when he said that. As soon as Zayn and Liam left, he dumped the rest of the yogurt down the garbage disposal and ran upstairs to his room to do jumping jacks. 

It's not that he didn't care -- or that he wanted to hurt himself. He appreciated everything Liam and Zayn were doing, and he wanted more than anything to be able to eat and follow his meal plan. He really did. In fact, Harry was quite aware of the situation at hand. He knew he was extremely sick and underweight. He saw the dropping numbers on the scale and the blood pressure machine. He knew his health was at an all time low. 

It wasn't that he didn't care about his health -- it was that the voice in his head was louder and more controlling than any will of his own. And though he knew logically he had to eat, he simply could not silence the blood-curdling screams in his mind begging him not to eat, demanding that he exercise compulsively, and telling him he was too fat, too ugly, too worthless. 

Liam and Zayn were well aware of Harry's situation too. They knew that his disorder was deeply rooted in mental health, and that even if Harry promised something, the voice in his head might convince him otherwise. After they left the flat, the two of them conversed in the hallway about how worried they were -- and how much worse Harry was getting. "He wouldn't even eat the fruit. The fruit, Liam, it's like 30 calories," Zayn said in a worried tone. 

Liam nodded, pressing the button on the elevator as he checked his watch. "I know -- and there's no way he's gonna keep it down. He'll either purge or exercise. I just don't know what to do anymore," he replied, shaking his head and lowering his eyes. 

Suddenly, the elevator doors opened. Liam stepped forward mindlessly, ready to hop in, but instead was met with the crumpling sound of his foot on a cardboard box.

He looked up into the elevator, flustered, and his eyes opened wide in response to what he saw. Inside stood a petite brunette man with big blue eyes surrounded by about 15 boxes, piled high. Zayn watched in amusement as Liam furiously looked down at his watch for a second time. 

"Sorry mates," the man replied. He smiled snarkily at the two lads as he tried to push the boxes out of the elevator one by one. "Just moving in today and I didn't want to make more than one trip."

"That's okay," Liam replied shortly, turning on his heel. "We'll take the stairs."

Zayn shook his head and followed after Liam. "Nice to meet you, neighbor," he cried over his shoulder. "I'm Zayn. Mr. Straight Edge is Liam."

The man laughed and shouted back at Zayn. "Louis," he said loudly. "Nice to meet you. See you around lads."

He sure would.


	2. Neighbors

Harry was doing sit-ups in his room when he heard a knock at the door. It was odd because it was only 12pm and he wasn't expecting Zayn and Liam to come back home for lunch until 1:30pm.

Harry decided to ignore the knock, assuming it was just someone delivering a package to the flat. Zayn was always ordering useless items off of Amazon... But the person continued to bang on the door persistently, so Harry knew he should probably get it.

He slowly stood up from the floor, holding onto his desk for support as his arms shook and he experienced another dizzy spell— an issue which was becoming all too common these days.

Once he regained his vision, he made his way to the front door and looked out the peep hole. Standing outside his flat door was a man with brown hair and blue eyes— and a small layer of stubble lacing his sharp jawline. Harry wondered what this handsome stranger was doing at his apartment. He opened the door slowly.

"Hi, can I help you?" he asked poking his head out. He didn't want the stranger to see his whole body.

"Hey, I'm Louis. New to the neighborhood," he said, extending a hand. Harry reached out and offered a weak handshake, smiling awkwardly.

"Damn your hand is cold," Louis said, raising an eyebrow and smirking at Harry with his soft lips. "Well, anyways, my mate Niall and I just moved in across the hall. He's out now but I figured I would stop by and introduce myself."

Harry nodded, delighted to find out that new tenants had finally moved in across the hall. The old ones had been rather noisy. It was an older couple who always seemed to be screaming early in the morning and had four dogs that were constantly barking. In comparison, Louis, and whoever his roommate Niall was, seemed like a refreshing change of pace.

Harry caught himself staring into space thinking about the old neighbors and realized he should probably respond to what Louis had told him. "Nice to meet you," he said quietly as he bit his lip. "I'm Harry. I live here with Zayn and Liam, my roommates..." 

"Oh I met them today in the lift," Louis said interrupting. "That liam lad is a character. He ended up taking the stairs because he didn't want to be late and all my boxes were in the way."

Harry laughed softly, a genuine smile flickering across his lips for the first time in weeks. "Yeah," he replied. "Liam is very anal about being on time... Zayn just goes with it. They work together..."

"And are they together?" Louis said, raising an eyebrow. His persistent gaze gave Harry the shivers.

"Umm..." Harry felt his cheeks turn red. "Well not officially but from what I can tell it might be headed in that direction." He instantly regretted telling Louis that... why was he telling a stranger about his best friends personal life?

The answer was obvious, though. There was something about Louis' sharp blue eyes and his tousled brown hair that made Harry want to trust him. In fact, as Louis stood in front of the flat door in dark skinny jeans and a white tank top, Harry wanted to do more than just trust him....

"Oh..." Louis said, smirking again, his blue eyes widening. "And you?"

Harry stared at him. "I'm.. I'm um single. Have been for a while," he said flatly. Suddenly, his interest in His new neighbor began to wane. Perhaps he wasn't going to like this Louis fellow so much after all. Good looks are great, but being polite and understanding are even more essential, especially for someone so sensitive as Harry.

Louis sensed that he had upset Harry based on his body language — he was staring blankly and had taken a step back from Louis — so did his best to reverse the damage. "Oh no I didn't mean it like that," he said quickly. "I just think with looks as good as yours, a lad like you doesn't seem like he'd be single for long." Louis shot Harry a flirty smile and looked his lips before looking down at his black converse.

Louis was a total flirt and he knew it. But he usually didn't get this nervous when he was around a cute guy. The minute he saw Harry staring at him with those big green eyes and long brown tresses, his heart beat started speeding up and he felt himself at a loss for words — which almost never happened with loud-mouthed Louis.

Now, as he waited for Harry respond to his not so subtle comment, Louis felt his stomach twist into knots. Good job Lou, he thought. It's the first day and you flirt with your god damn neighbor.

Harry looked Louis up and down and smiled politely. "Well thanks, I guess," he said, taking another step further back into his flat. He was sensing some strange vibes and didn't want to be apart of it. Louis had implied that he was handsome, which was absolutely ridiculous considering how fat he had gotten. Harry wasn't buying it and began to close the door further, hiding his body even more.

Louis cringed internally at Harry's reaction and decided it was time to change the subject. "Oh hey," he said, leaning against the wall with one hand. "So Niall and I got pies for a bunch of the neighbors. It's a weird fucking thing to do but we wanted to get treats from our favorite bakery before we left. And spread the love to our neighbors." Louis laughed and made an imaginary rainbow with his hands as he explained the story.

Harry smiled weakly. "That's great. Thank you, but we don't really eat sweets much." Louis furrowed his brow, his bright eyes examining Harry's thin face. "Oh come on, at least one of your roommates will want it. Please take it. We have too many anyways," he insisted.

Without waiting for a response, he jogged back to his room, grabbing two pies from the kitchen and holding them out for Harry to see. "Which do You prefer? Cherry or raspberry?" Louis asked with a smile.

Harry didn't respond. He had been a baker for years before he moved to London, but once he started getting sick he couldn't be around sweets anymore. He remembered cherry pie being his absolute favorite — he used to make it a special way, glazing the pie crust with fruit juice for extra flavor. Now he could hardly look at the pie without wanting to vomit.

"That's really alright," he said absentmindedly, trying to shift his thoughts away from the fattening, sugary treat. He began thinking about how jealous he was of Louis for having the energy to run to his fridge and back so quickly. Harry could hardly do his exercises anymore without feeling lightheaded or sluggish. If only I could exercise as efficiently as he can... Harry thought.

"Cherry it is," Louis said handing it to Harry with a smile. Harry felt his hands fill with the weight of the pie and nearly dropped the entire thing. In fact, he would have, if Louis hadn't dove down beneath his arms and caught it. "Good save," Harry said, leaning down to grab the pie from Louis. Their fingers brushed against each other and Louis felt his blue eyes connect with Harry's green ones, a tingling sensation creeping through his whole body.

"I, um, well thanks," Harry said, rushing inside.

"You're welcome, neighbor," Louis said cheerily. "Hope at least one of you enjoys it."

"They will," Harry replied with fake enthusiasm.

They? Louis thought to himself. So Harry was the one who had a problem with dessert....

"Harry... your hands were cold just now. Are you alright?" Louis asked suspiciously. As he looked at him again, he still found Harry extremely gorgeous, but there were obvious signs that something was wrong. His skin was a bit too pale and his pants looked a bit too baggy on him.... and the cold hands....

"Yeah, I just had a bit of a cold this past week. But listen, Louis, thanks for the pie. It was great to meet you. I just have a Skype call I have to make soon so..." Harry said almost too quickly.

Louis nodded and turned towards his own flat. "Sure, no problem. Feel better," he called over his shoulder.

Harry closed the door to his flat. Then he took the pie and immediately threw it in the trash.


	3. The Harsh Reality

"Harry, we're home, Love," Liam called as he entered the flat. He walked past the fake plants in the foyer and over to the living room, where he found Harry sitting in front of the TV, bundled up in a blanket. He looked so small and childlike, with his thin face and small hands. Liam felt his eyes grow teary.

Liam instantly wanted to go to his room and cry for hours. The Harry he knew had always been thin, with long lanky legs and a petite torso. But he had never been this unhealthy, this scarily underweight. Harry used to love food— and ate as much as he wanted without gaining weight, a quality which Liam envied him for. He used to eat Pizza and curry takeaway and burgers nearly every day without a care in the world. And dessert used to be his bloody favorite— he used to be a baker for god's sake.

To watch Harry become so sickly over the past two years was absolutely heartbreaking for Liam. Harry was his best friend and all he wanted to do was help ease the pain and get him better. But Liam quickly learned that he was completely powerless in helping Harry, no matter how hard he tried. And Harry quickly got worse and worse, leaving Liam terrified that he was going to wake up one day having lost his best friend.

Though no one really knew why Harry had decided to start losing weight — he would never open up to therapists or anyone — Liam suspected it had to do with the rough year he was having back in 2015. Harry lost his job as a baker in Redditch and shortly afterwards, his girlfriend left him because he couldn't pay rent anymore, let alone take her out. On a whim, he decided to pick up and move to London with Liam. But Things didn't get much better there. In fact, he found a lot of trouble finding a new baking job. He applied to every bakery in the area — and still didn't get hired anywhere. So he decided to wait tables until an opportunity arose.

Not being able to bake was hard on Harry because it was his passion, the one thing in the world he loved doing. It also took up most of his time, but now, since he only worked evenings, he had too much free time during the day. In attempt to feel productive, he started going to the gym more and cooking his own meals. Liam saw it as healthy at first, but then Harry started running more and more and eating less and less. The next thing he knew he was spiraling out of control, and Liam called Harry's sister for support.

Gemma had always been a best friend and mentor to Harry, but when Liam called she said Harry hadn't spoken to her in months. They had gotten into a big fight before he left Redditch, and Harry had moved away without saying goodbye. Liam told Gemma about the situation and she said she would reach out to Harry — and she did, but Harry never responded to her countless calls and texts.

Since he was the only one left in Harry's life, Liam felt responsible for helping get Harry through the rough time and tried desperately to get him to eat more. But when Harry collapsed on the living room floor one day, it became pretty clear that the help he needed was beyond Liam's expertise.

Now, Harry had been in and out of the hospital for months, and Liam was doing everything he could to pay his share of the rent. Eventually it became too much, even with his fancy business job, which is why he invited Zayn to move into the flat. Well, that, and other reasons....

As Liam watched his friend's shaky hand struggle with the remote, he sighed and walked over to him slowly. "Harry, time for lunch. It's chicken with vegetables," he said excitedly. Harry grimaced, too exhausted to even hide his emotions.

"Hey, Harry," zayn called from the kitchen as Liam helped Harry to the table. "We ran into that Louis guy and he said he dropped off a cherry pie with you. Where is it? I want some."

Harry's face instantly flushed red and he began to panic. Why the fuck would Louis tell them about the pie? Now he was fucked... they would know he threw it out...

When Harry entered the kitchen he saw Zayn leaning across the slate countertop with his arms crossed. "Why is it in the trash, Love?" He asked softly. He wasn't even mad— he genuinely felt sorry for the lad. But things were getting out of hand and he needed to be stern with Harry.

"I — I thought if I kept it you'd force me to eat it," Harry said, putting his head down like a puppy who had just destroyed a new couch. His beanie slipped a bit off his head and Liam, who was now standing behind him, could see little bald patches where his hair was falling out from malnutrition.

"Harry, we wouldn't force to do anything. We might have encouraged you to try it. You're supposed to have one fear food a week," he said, rubbing Harry's bony shoulder. "But we wouldn't force you if you didn't want it."

Harry nodded and turned to look at Liam with watery eyes. Zayn picked the pie out of the trash and put it on the counter. "It's okay, Hazza, It's in the box so it's still good," he said, with a soft smile. But even happy go lucky Zayn could hardly pretend things were okay. He felt his stomach twist as he looked at Harry, who was so weak and sick it looked like he might topple over at any moment.

Liam locked eyes with Zayn and instructed Harry to take a seat. Then Zayn began Serving the food onto the three plates that he had set at the table. He gave Harry a tiny portion, just one chicken breast and a few pieces of broccoli. He served himself two pieces and Liam three. Then he put the tray of food on the counter.

"How was work?" Harry asked his roommates, trying to be normal for once. "Good, the presentation went great. Right, Li?" zayn said smiling at Liam and raising his hand for a high five. Liam slapped his hand and then dug into his chicken. "I'm so hungry," he said laughing. "But yeah It went well. They're gonna use our pitch at the board meeting."

Harry nodded encouragingly, but couldn't help but feel left out since he was no longer a part of the working world. "I think I'll get cleared to work soon," he said quietly, stabbing a tiny piece of broccoli with his fork. "I owe you so much rent, Liam I'm so sorry."

Liam put his fork down and stared at Harry with furrowed eyebrows. "Don't you ever say that, Harry. You know you don't owe me a pence," he said sternly. "Yeah, don't worry," Zayn chimed in, taking a bit of his chicken.

Harry wanted to protest but he hardly had the energy to so he just nodded and meekly said "thank you."

Zayn finished his food quickly and jumped up for the cherry pie, cutting himself a big slice and grabbing a glass of milk.

Liam also wanted pie, but he had to watch Harry finish his food first, which seemed to be taking forever. He felt guilty for not having enough time for Harry. This morning he hadn't been able to watch him finish his breakfast and this afternoon he likely would be able to see him finish lunch.

Liam watched intently as Harry cut his chicken up into microscopic pieces. Harry looked up at him wide eyed. "What?" He asked. Liam shook his head. "You haven't even had a bite have you?" He said, shaking his head.

"No, I have," Harry lied. Liam got up and walked over to Harry, kneeling next to his seat. "Just three big bites. That's all I'm asking," he whispered. He took Harry's fork and got him a new piece of chicken, cutting it into thin rectangular strips. He stabbed a strip and handed the fork to harry.

"One," he said. Harry took the fork to his lips, nearly gagging, and forced himself to take a bite. He chewed slowly and swallowed. "No more," he said, shaking his head as Liam stabbed a second piece. "It tastes funny."

Liam tried his best not to explode on Harry. He sometimes had an awful temper, but learned he had to control it around Harry so as not to upset him. "Please," he cooed. Harry looked at him skeptically and then took a bite of the chicken, this time chewing more slowly.

"Want some pie, Liam?" Zayn asked, taking a sip of his milk. "Yeah sure," Liam said, watching Zayn cut a slice. He had only looked away for a second when He saw Harry with a napkin.

"Give me the napkin," Liam said, his brown eyes darkening. Harry shrugged, but didn't hand the napkin to Liam. "It's nothing really—" he said. But Liam interrupted him. "I said give me the napkin," he repeated. Without waiting, he snatched the napkin from Harry's bony hands and opened it to reveal chewed up chicken pieces.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He spat. He got up and threw the napkin in the garbage. Then he took Harry's plate and threw it in the garbage too. Harry sat at the table silently, his face blank. On the one hand, he felt awful for upsetting Liam — and for lying about eating. He knew how hard Liam was trying to help him, and he truly didn't want to disappoint him. But on the other hand, a part of him was so relieved that he no longer had to eat lunch. And that part of him — the eating disorder part of him— was much, much stronger.

Zayn's eyes followed Liam as he threw out the food, hoping and praying that he wouldn't get too ill tempered in front of Harry.

Liam returned to his chair and sat with his hands folded on his knees. "I've tried to help you," he said slowly. "For almost two years I've tried everything. I can't do this anymore... I can't watch you fucking kill your self, Harry."

A tear streamed down Liam's face and he stood up and ripped the blanket off of Harry's small frame. "Stand up," he commanded. Harry blinked and shook his head.

"Please," Liam whispered. "Just please god damn do it." Harry slowly stood up, terrified about what was going to happen. "Hands up," Liam instructed. Harry raised his arms in the air and watched in horror as Liam removed his two baggy sweatshirts.

"No— I look too fat," Harry cried, trying to cover his torso. Liam, almost too easily, pushed Harry's arms aside and removed his T-shirt as well.

Then he started to cry. "Look at you, Harry, you're a bloody skeleton," he said, his voice breaking as he began to cry. Zayn came over to comfort Liam, his stomach churning at the sight of Harry's exposed ribs and skeletal arms. "It's okay, Liam," he said softly.

"It's not okay, he's fucking dying. Look at him standing there shivering. The heat is on full god damn blast. And he couldn't even have a bite of chicken. He threw out the pie — he probably threw up his breakfast. I can't," Liam paused and let out a choking sound. "I can't keep watching you do this."

Zayn nodded, and Harry watched as his two roommates stared at him, completely distraught. He wanted to believe Liam. He knew he was right — all the things he said had been true. Harry knew he was very ill, but he simply could not break free of the mindset that he was ugly and disgusting and needed to lose more weight.

"Harry, look what you're doing to Liam," Zayn said with a sniffle. Liam was clutching Zayn's arms and sobbing into them, shaking profusely. "You're doing it to me too," he continued. "I — I want to cry just looking at you. You're so sick I can see your ribs."

Harry didn't know how to respond. He looked down and traced a finger over his ribs. He could feel them, but he couldn't see them — all he could see was fat.

Harry quickly tugged his clothes back on. He wanted to apologize to Liam but didn't know how. "You don't have to worry about me," Harry said, walking over to Liam.

Liam shook his head. "If that's what you think then you're worse off than we thought. You're on deaths doorstep, Harry," he said. "I don't know what to do anymore — your insurance ran out of treatment program options. I'll call tomorrow to see if we can get a nurse to come to the house. Or I'll have to take off from work. I don't want to bury my best friend."

Harry's eyes opened wide as he thought of someone in the house with him all day, watching him eat. Making sure he didn't exercise or purge. He shook his head wildly.

"No no, don't do that. I'll be better," he said, putting on a false, energetic persona.

"That would be great if we could trust you Harry," zayn said, motioning for Liam to grab his suitcase and keys. "But we can't."

And with that, the two men left the flat, Liam still sobbing softly onto Zayn's shoulder.

Harry went back to the TV room, crying into a pillow and wondering what was going to happen when they came back.


	4. Complicated

"Alright mate, I think the couch would look great here," Louis said, looking down at his phone and sending a text. 

"Louis, you arse," Niall retorted, dropping the couch in the middle of the living room. "You said you would help me move the furniture and you haven't done shit."

Niall's brown hair was plastered to his forehead from the sweat he'd been working up and his muscles ached from carrying boxes. His blue eyes blazed into Louis, who was still on his phone -- now giggling at a message. 

Niall walked over to Louis and kicked him lightly in the bum, sending him stumbling forward onto the couch. "Fuck you, mate," Louis said giggling. He hopped off the couch and grabbed one end of it. "Alright, alright," he said, smirking. "I'll help you for the rest of the day."

Niall rolled his eyes and snickered at his witty roommate who always seemed to get out of everything that involved manual labor. Back in university, for example, Louis would always flirt with the workmen that the wealthy students hired to move their stuff. He often got them to move some of his stuff as well -- free of charge. 

Now, Niall had been tricked into moving most of Louis' belongings, and he wasn't happy. He only really did it because he knew if it was up to Louis, it would be a full week before any of their stuff made it up the stairs, and Niall wasn't one for waiting around. Louis had brought about 15 boxes up by himself in the lift earlier this morning -- but that was about all he had done since. 

After moving the couch, the two boys hopped onto it and sat down, tired from a long days work -- at least in Niall's case. The two friends had just moved to London to start new jobs and change up the pace. Louis would be working as an editor at a menswear magazine, and Niall had just gotten a job in real estate. There was something about his Irish accent that seemed to put people in a good mood -- and after just a few hours of talking to people, he could often get them to close a house faster than a leprechaun sliding down a rainbow. 

Louis was also gifted at his job. With his spunky attitude and love for writing, he could make just about anything sound interesting. Even men's suits and ties -- which he was the topic he was currently writing about. Louis knew nothing about suits -- or even fashion for that matter -- but he thought they were sexy and decided he would make his audience think so too. 

"I am so tired," whined Louis, propping his feet up on the couch. Niall rolled his eyes. "Oh, you're tired. Of course," he said, his brogue thickening as he said the word 'tired.' Louis giggled and reached out to hug Niall. "No seriously, mate. Thanks for moving everything," he said. "I know I've been super lazy." 

He pulled 50 pounds out of his pocket and tossed them to Niall, who caught them in the air and shoved them into his back pocket. "You owe me more than that," he grumbled to himself, half jokingly. 

"Have you met the neighbors yet?" Louis asked, tracing his prickly jawline with his fingers. 

"You have to shave mate," Niall said, smacking him. "But no, I haven't. Who are they?"

"Three mates about our age. Early twenties I'd say. Zayn and Liam I met this morning. They were in suits and shit so by the looks of it, they work at the Wharf for sure."

Niall laughed. "Haha, bet they're uptight then. No more smoking pot at night, Lou. They'll be pounding at the door about the smell."

Louis shook his head, but smiled a bit. Smoking weed was a bad habit of his -- but not as bad as his cigarette habit. Maybe one day he'd find it in him to quit both... 

"Anyways," Louis continued. "You're right about that. The lad Liam is super uptight. He freaked when he saw me in the lift because I was making him late. The other one, Zayn, just seemed to follow along, but I can tell he likes to laugh." 

Niall raised an eyebrow and gave Louis a look. "Ohhh," he said. "He likes to laugh? Does he like to laugh at you, Lou?"

Louis shook his head, his cheeks flushing. "No," he said quickly. "They're actually together I believe. Harry told me -- he's the third roommate."

Louis felt his skin grow warm when he though of Harry standing in the doorway in his oversized sweats, fumbling with the pies. He felt attracted to his long hair, his big green eyes, his adorable dimples... but he also felt driven away by Harry's standoffish behaivor. 

"Oh, what's he like? He single?" Niall asked, poking fun at Louis' overly flirty persona. Ever since Niall could remember, Louis has had a constant desire to be in the perfect rom-com relationship, though over the past few years, he hasn't had much luck. 

"Stop bugging me, Niall," Louis said, sticking his tongue out at his roommate. "Not all of us can have a perfect relationship with the perfect girl..." 

Niall smiled at the thought of Sophie, his girlfriend of two years. She was a chef with long blonde hair, sparkly blue eyes, and a kind heart. The two had met during final year of uni and continued to date the following year, doing long distance while Sophie worked at a hotel in London and Niall lived in Doncaster with Louis. He was excited to be close to her again -- and was hoping that Louis would meet someone too. Not just because he wanted to have the flat to himself with Sophie some nights, but because he also genuinely wanted Louis to finally have a stable relationship. 

"She is perfect," Niall said back, giggling. "Thanks for pointing that out. But tell me more about the Harry lad."

Louis shrugged, his face falling a bit. "Well he's gorgeous, for one. He's got these long brown curls and huge green eyes. But there's something off about him. He was very quiet and freaked out when I gave him a pie... and his hands were freezing and he was covered up in layers..."

Niall's face turned a bit pale and he frowned at Louis upon observing the pain in his eyes. "You don't think.... he has what your sister had, do you?" he asked quietly. 

Louis nodded slowly. His sister Fizzy had struggled with anorexia in the past, and while she was doing much better now, eating was still quite a struggle for each day. Louis made an effort to check on her at least twice a week to make sure she was well and has been eating, but he was still worried sick about her, especially since moving away to London. 

When Louis met Harry earlier today, he had exhibited many of the symptoms he had seen in the sister, and it saddened him to think that yet another person in his life was struggling mentally. After what he had seen his sister go through, he decided that eating disorders were something he didn't wish upon anyone. 

"Yeah, I think so," Louis replied, looking at the floor. "The signs were there. Baggy clothes, fear of dessert, freezing cold hands, pale, thin face. Poor lad. I hope he's doing okay..."

Niall patted Louis' back to comfort him. "That's really sad. It's tough, it's really tough," he told him, not really knowing what else to say. 

"Yeah," Louis agreed. Then he jumped of the couch as he thought of an idea. "Hey -- I just thought of something," he said excitedly, his blue eyes lighting up. "Why don't we invite them over tonight for drinks? It's a Friday. No work tomorrow... and we need some fucking friends here in London. I don't know a soul."

Niall nodded, excitedly. "I brought a ton of Prosecco," he said, raising an eyebrow. "And yeah the only people I know are Sophie and you -- and you hardly count."

Louis elbowed his friend in the ribs and laughed, running off to find the Prosecco. "Why don't you go ask them now, then? They haven't met you yet," he called over to Niall while sorting through a box. 

"Okay, sure," Niall replied. Some people might have been nervous to meet new people, but Niall was mellow as a clam. He walked across the hall calmly and knocked on the door. 

A dark-haired man with soft brown eyes answered. "Hey," he said, raising an eyebrow. "I'm Zayn. Are you Louis' roommate?" 

"That I am. The name's Niall," he said, reaching out and shaking Zayn's extended hand. "Louis and I wanted to know if you would be down for a drink tonight. We have a ton of Prosecco, and we thought it be fun to get to know each other."

Zayn shrugged. "Sure, we don't have any plans," he said with a smile. "Thanks for the pie by the way. It was delicious!" 

Niall made a confused face for a moment and then remembered the pie Louis had mentioned earlier. "Oh, yeah. Those pies are great aren't they? Made in the best bakery in Donny," he said, his blue eyes twinkling. 

"You're from Donny?" Zayn asked, wrinkling his brow. Niall laughed.

"With this accent thicker than heavy cream?" he asked giggling. "Of course not. I'm from Mullingar. But I moved to Doncaster for uni. How about you?"

Zayn went to answer him, but suddenly someone began yelling in the back of his flat. Zayn felt his cheeks turn red and he gave Niall an apologetic look. "Sorry about that," he said quietly. "Liam and Harry-- well, they have a difference of opinions on something. Will you excuse me for second?" 

Niall nodded. "Sure, I'll go grab something in my flat and be right back," he said. Zayn thanked him quickly and then closed the door. 

"What the fuck is going on Li?" Zayn said, storming into the living room. "The new neighbors invited us over for drinks. I was having a conversation, but you two were yelling." 

He locked eyes with Liam, who was sitting on the couch next to Harry holding a plate with single piece of unbuttered toast. 

"He won't even fucking eat this," Liam said, shaking his head. Harry was sitting on the edge of the couch, as far away from Liam as possible, looking at the toast like it had just served 20 years in federal prison. 

Zayn looked at Harry helplessly, his eyes watering. "Harry," he said calmly. "Please eat it. Or don't. But don't drag this out anymore. Liam had a long day and we just want to relax."

Harry nodded slowly and reluctantly took the toast, his hands shaking as he brought it to his trembling lips. 

"Thank you, love," Zayn said, smiling at him. "By the way, we're getting drinks tonight with the new neighbors. I know you probably don't want to come, but they invited you and we would like you there. What do you think? Do you think you could try for us? It's just across the hall. And you won't have to drink or eat anything if you don't want to. We'll make up an excuse.... for now..."

"We can't keep making excuses for him," Liam said, standing up and walking towards Zayn. Zayn felt sexual tension building, and tried to cover his growing bulge as Liam got closer to him. Sometimes he felt like Harry got in the way of his relationship with Liam. Not because he was a third wheel, but because he required so much extra attention -- so much so that Liam was actually terrified to even mention their relationship to Harry. He feared that it would just make Harry more upset or feel more alone than he already did.

It's not like Harry didn't know though. To Zayn and Liam's horror, he had walked in on them a few times while they were doing it. But even after Hattu found out, Liam tried to keep their relationship as private as possible, never expressing their feelings or demonstrating PDA in front of Harry. Zayn understood Liam's reasons, and agreed that it was probably best for Harry, but that didn't mean it didn't upset him.

Zayn looked up at Liam and shook his head. "I know we can't keep making excuses. You're right. But what do you say we try to enjoy ourselves and make some new friends tonight? We haven't been out in ages Li..." he said, stopping himself before he mentioned that Harry was the primary reason as to why they had stopped going to the pub in recent months. 

Harry sensed that he was putting a damper on the plans and turned towards Zayn. "I'll go for a little. It sounds fun. I met Louis and he was really nice -- and rather cute..." he said with a smile. Liam's face lit up upon hearing Harry express interest in something, anything, besides weight and calories. 

"That's great, Harry," he said, rubbing his back, encouragingly. "Okay, then it's settled, Zayn. Tell them all three of us will go." Liam got up and patted Zayn lightly on the back, though he had to physically restrain himself to prevent from doing more than that....

Zayn nodded, embracing the pat, but flashing a longing glance at Liam before he left. "Harry, no drinking without eating first, alright love? You know what happened last time..." he whispered, wincing as he remembered the sight of Harry being wheeled away on a stretcher after just a few drinks at the pub. That night, in fact, marked the day they stopped going out drinking. 

Harry nodded, lazily, trying to suppress the unpleasant memory Liam had just reconjured. "I won't he said," taking a sip of the water. Liam realized the toast that they were fighting about was now gone -- and there was a high chance that it had handed up somewhere in the couch rather than inside Harry's stomach. 

Liam sighed and stood up, walking to his room to pick out an outfit for tonight. Harry scurried to his room, claiming to do the same. But he was more likely to just stand in front of the mirror for the next hour, peering at his bony torso and seeing nothing but fat staring back at him. 

Zayn jogged back to the front door, worried he may have taken too long and that Niall might be getting impatient. "Sorry, lad," he said, opening the door to find Niall playing a videogame on his phone with a little too much excitement. 

"Sorry," Niall said with a laugh as Zayn caught him making explosion noises with his mouth. 

"No worries," Zayn replied, readjusting the bracelets on his wrists. "So, the gang said they're all free to come. What time is good?"

"How does 9 sound?" asked Niall. "Sure," replied Zayn coolly. 

"Perfect," said Niall, shuffling back to his flat. "I'll see you mates soon!" 

"See you," said Zayn. He closed the door, and upon realizing that Harry was out of the common room, he dashed to Liam's bedroom for the first bit of alone time they've had in a while.


	5. Drinks

"Welcome, welcome!" said Louis as he answered the door his trio of neighbors. Zayn was wearing black ripped skinny jeans and a grey T-shirt and Liam was dressed similarly, in blue joggers and a black muscle tank. Louis tried not to laugh at how different they looked out of their suits and ties— he was not expecting this uber-casual wear to be their style of choice. 

Harry stood nervously behind Zayn, twisting his curls in his fingers as he looked at the floor. He had changed out of his sweatpants and was now wearing a pair of baggy black jeans— which looked like they may have been skinny jeans at one point, but were now too big for his shrinking frame. On top, he wore a grey long sleeved T-shirt, which was also baggy, and had a tiny blue pocket square on the front that complimented his green eyes.

As the boys followed Louis inside, he paid careful attention to Harry, watching for signs of any odd behaviors.

"This is a nice place!" Zayn said excitedly, taking a look at the spacious hardwood floors and modern furniture. In the corner, there was a wire table made of geometric shapes, and the coffee table consisted of a bunch of red metal squares welded together.

"Thanks," Louis replied, his blue eyes twinkling. "That's really all Niall's doing. Mr. Real Estate likes to dabble in interior design too," he admitted with a flashy smile as he thought of his talented best friend. "Ni, where are you?"

Suddenly, Niall emerged from the kitchen, struggling to hold several different bottles in his arms as he walked out to the common room. "So I have Prosecco," he said excitedly. "But I wasn't sure if everyone likes that. So I also have about -- I don't know -- 10 other drinks."

Zayn, who had grown to adore Niall after their conversation in the doorway, jogged over to help him. "Easy, Niall," he said, laughing. "Tons of drinks. Typical Irishman, right?" He said to Liam over his shoulder. Liam laughed politely, but shot Zayn a skeptical look when he turned back around. Something about their friendship seemed a bit too friendly, especially considering they had just met a few hours ago... Liam folded his hands and refocused his attention on Harry, trying to quell his jealous tendencies. 

"Hi, I'm Niall. Nice to meet you," he said, extending a hand to Liam after setting the bottles down the coffee table. "Liam," he replied, firmly gripping Niall's hand. Niall smiled awkwardly and then quickly pulled his hand away, as it was now throbbing.

"And this is Harry," Zayn said, pointing to Harry, who was unlikely to introduce himself. Harry nodded weakly and extended a hand to Niall. "I -- I really like the furniture. I took an architecture class in uni, and those geometric shapes were always my favorite," he said quietly with a small smile. Niall grinned warmly at Harry, flattered by the compliment that the timid lad had given him.

Louis, who was pouring drinks, watched carefully as Harry conversed with Niall -- it seemed like he was beginning to come out of his shell a bit. "Yeah It's mine too. Hard to get your hands on though. I had to go to eight different shops before I found this," Niall replied with wide eyes. "Then I had to barter like a mother fucker to get the price down. Can you believe he wanted 800 pounds?"

Harry laughed at Niall, surprised by how easy it was to talk with him. Harry usually tried to stay away from high energy people because they often overwhelmed him with their extroversion. But Niall was just as mellow as he was energetic, an odd combination that Harry found particularly inviting.

"You lads want to sit?" Louis asked, making eye contact with Zayn, who had just finished whispering something to Liam.

"Sure," Zayn relied, motioning for Liam to sit down next to him on the couch. Niall and Harry followed suit, with Harry purposefully choosing a seat between Louis and Liam. Liam for support if he needed it, and Louis for if he was feeling brave.

Suddenly, just as they were all seated, a beeping sound began to ring in the kitchen. "Oh fuck," Louis said, putting his drink down and jumping up, his skinny jeans riding up a bit. "I forgot the snacks!!"

Harry watched in horror as Louis ran to the kitchen and the smell of fried food began to waft into the room. He wanted to gag at the thought of eating any type of food -- especially greasy fried things. But if he was being honest with himself, he was actually really hungry. After his most recent hospital stint, he started to get his hunger cues back — which had been almost completely nonexistent beforehand due to his starvation tendencies. He was supposed to maintain his meal plan after returning home and listen to the hunger cues to decide when to eat, but he he quickly abandoned his plan as soon as he got back to the flat.

Now, Harry's stomach grumbled and he pressed into it, with his hands, as if the pressure would silence the sounds and reduce his hunger. Louis returned to the living room with a large pizza and a plate of mozzarella sticks with marinara sauce, and Liam grabbed Harry's shoulder firmly. "Please. Just have one slice. Remember, if you don't eat, you don't drink," he whispered calmly. Then he shifted his attention to Louis. "That smells bloody amazing, Louis," he said, reaching for a slice and taking a bite. 

Louis cocked an eyebrow at Liam and let out an odd laugh. "Mr. Straight Edge Wrist Watch Wearing Payne enjoys pizza and snacks, ha? I would have thought you wanted some caviar," he said giggling. Zayn laughed along with Louis and elbowed Liam in the side, accusingly. "That's hilarious," he laughed.

Liam blushed and shook his head, his brown hair moving out of place a bit. "Nah, I just get stressed about work. I love snack food. And I especially hate caviar and seafood... during my business meetings with rich clients, I go to the bathroom when they start eating the muscles," he said, smirking in amusement as he thought back to the last time he had done that. 

"Hey, pass me one mate," Niall said, tapping Louis. Louis cut a few slices and put them on plates, distributing one to each boy. He watched carefully as Harry took his plate slowly and put it on his lap without eating it.

Louis continued to watch as Harry began to reach for a napkin, but Zayn stopped him in his tracks. "I don't think you need a napkin, mate," he said quietly. Harry shot him a dirty look, his shaped eyebrows furrowing together, and returned his hands to his lap, slowly picking up the pizza slice and bringing it to his lips. He nibbled tiny bites on the corner where the crust was, avoiding the cheese.

Louis felt his eyes begin to water as he thought of Fizzy and fumbled around to find his phone to send her a text. As he texted, Niall and Zayn engaged in a conversation about the real estate prices in London. "We don't know anything about rates here," Zayn said, laughing. "We literally just found the building with the most affordable rent and picked our place accordingly."

Niall nodded and giggled slightly. "Yeah... that's the opposite of what you're supposed to do. But you ended up in a pretty sweet location," he admitted. "So, I think it's fine."

Louis, who had been half listening, returned his phone to his pocket and looked over at Liam, who was gently rubbing Harry's back as he began to tackle the cheesy part of the pizza. Louis took a swig from his drink quickly and turned his attention away from them, jumping into the real estate conversation.

"Yeah, don't worry mate," he said to Zayn. "I'm a bloody writer. I know shit about real estate. I let Mr. Irishman here pick out this place." Zayn reached for his drink now, too, chuckling at Louis' joke.

"Hey, lads, I'm gonna use the bathroom," Harry mumbled. He had hardly spoken since Louis took out the food, and the other boys looked up in shock at the sound of his tiny voice.

"I'll go with you. Have to go too," Liam said, getting up a bit too quickly. Niall raised an eyebrow at Louis and Louis nodded slowly. "Okay, I'll show you," Louis said, getting up and leading the to the back of the flat where the main restroom was. There was another one in Louis' room, but he really didn't want anyone going in there.

Liam smiled tensely at Louis. "Thanks," he said, giving him a pat on the back. Louis nodded. "No problem," he replied shortly. He turned around to head back to the living room, but quickly peeked over his shoulder as he walked, catching a small glimpse of Liam following Harry into the bathroom in his peripheral vision.

Louis wasn't one to get anxious often. In fact, he was a pretty relaxed guy, and with the exception of the winter weeks when he had to finish 6 articles a day, he rarely got too stressed out. But this whole situation with Harry's eating disorder was really triggering him, bringing him back to a dark place in his life just a few years prior when he wasn't sure if his sister would live or die. Louis shook his head in a pathetic attempt to clear his thoughts, and then returned to the couch, quickly downing the rest of his wine. Then he turned to Zayn, who was still chatting with Niall about something.

"Hey, Zayn. Can I ask you something about Harry?" He said, interrupting. Zayn's soft eyes widened and he looked at Louis suspiciously, examining him up and down. "Yeah," he replied, nodding slightly.

"Ok, well I know it's not my place. It's really not. I don't mean to upset you. But my sister struggled—" Louis lowered his voice and inched closer to Zayn. "She struggled with anorexia. And I noticed Harry— well, he's very thin. He hardly touched his pizza, he wore baggy sweatpants earlier today, his hand was cold when I shook it... and he wears a beanie, probably to cover up hair loss. My sister had all those symptoms too... and I was wondering... well if you ever needed anything, or if Harry needed anything, I could try my best to help."

Zayn stared at Louis in awe, his mouth opening wide to reveal his bright white teeth. Everything Louis had said had been spot on-- it was almost scary how perceptive he had been to Harry's problems. And as much as he didn't want to spill Harry's secret, Zayn desperately needed someone to talk to about besides Liam -- and he could sense that Louis needed to talk to someone as well. 

"I — yeah. Yeah you're right. He's been in and out of the hospital for the past year and half. Nothing has worked... and we try to help him as much as we can," he said slowly, a tear forming in the corner of his left eye. "But he resists most of the time. We know it's not his fault, but he's dying. And we don't know what to do. Sometimes I wonder: if the doctors can't help him, how can we?"

Louis got up from his seat on the couch and slid closer to Zayn, extending his arms to hug him. Zayn accepted and nuzzled his head into Louis' shoulder crying softly. Niall, who had been quietly following the conversation the whole time, stood up and joined the hug as well. "It's okay, Zayn," he said softly. "We know it's tough."

As the three boys untangled themselves from the hug, Louis poured them another round of drinks and sat back down in his spot. "Well, I think they're coming back to the room now, but we can talk about this later if you want. I can tell you the name of the center my sister went to. She went to a bunch too— but this was the only one she said really helped her. They use cognitive behavioral therapy to get to the root of the behaviors and their causes. And they give you your money back if treatment isn't effective..."

Louis trailed off as he heard Harry and Liam return to the room, and Zayn rubbed his face to cover up the fact that he had been crying. "I think we have to go home now," said Liam shortly, his eyes flickering to Zayn. "Harry's Not feeling so well." Louis, Niall and Zayn looked up at Harry, whose face was red and blotchy and whose arms were quivering slightly. 

Zayn nodded to Liam, and went to get up, but then stopped himself. "Are you sure?" He asked. "Maybe we can all stay." Liam put a hand on Harry, defensively. "I'm pretty certain," he said coldly.

Harry shook his head quickly as he began to realize the damage he was causing. Everyone had been having a good time before he started freaking out over the food. And Liam was lying -- he wasn't even sick; he had just purged a little in the bathroom. Of course Liam insisted on following me in, Harry thought to himself. I would have gotten away with it. 

"You know I was just feeling a little queasy, but I'm fine. I won't drink anything," Harry said softly, looking into Liam's eyes. "That sound good?"

Liam shook his head, but Zayn interjected. "I think we should let Harry decide. And he said he'd like to stay. So that's perfect," he said aggressively, shooting Liam a twisted smile.

Niall and Louis were shifting uneasily in their seats, unsure what to do about the tension in the room. "I think that your flat door is right across the hall. So if at any point you feel worse and need to go home, you can. But Harry, we were just starting to get to know you. We'd like to hear a bit more from you, if you feel okay," Louis said, siding with Zayn on this one.

Harry removed himself from Liam's grip and took a seat next to Louis. "Well there's not much to know," he said, quietly as he played with a small bracelet on his wrist. He suddenly regretted sitting so closely to Louis because he was starting to feel turned on by his icy blue eyes and tussled hair.

"Sure there is. Where are you from? What do you like to do?" Louis asked, encouragingly. He was careful not to ask Harry where he worked, because by the looks of his grayish skin and sunken in eyes, he likely wasn't medically stable enough to work anymore.

"Well, I'm from Redditch," the younger boy reply. "And I love to bake, though I haven't in ages." Louis nodded encouragingly and looked at Niall for support. "What kind of stuff did you bake?" Niall chimed in, smiling.

"Well, lots of stuff," Harry said, his dull eyes starting to light up. "I would do birthday cakes, pastries, rolls, cookies. Whatever, really. My favorite was this wedding cake I made with gold frosting and a giant bow on the top." Harry fumbled around on his phone for a picture, smiling as he thought about how excited his customer had been when he showed her the finished cake.

"That's awesome," Louis said, putting a hand on Harry's back. Harry tensed up at the sensation, feeling a mixture of horror and desire. Of course he wanted Louis to touch him — he wanted Louis to feel every part of him, to explore his body with his soft, tender hands, working his way from his chest to his crotch. But the voice in his head told him otherwise. It told him that he was too fat, too ugly, too unworthy for Louis to touch him. And it was this voice that made him tense up and slink away from Louis' touch.

Louis felt a bit disappointed at Harry'a rejection, but he knew that Fizzy hated being touched when she was sick at well. Her body dysmorphia was just too high — and Harry's probably was too.

Louis released his grip and patted Harry's hand instead. "Is this okay?" He asked quietly. Harry nodded, his green eyes locking with Harry's blue ones. Liam, who was sharing a drink with Zayn, looked over worriedly as Louis spoke with Harry.

"Thats a wonderful picture, Harry. It looks so delicious," Louis said, as Harry handed him the phone. "Yeah," Harry replied, smiling up at Louis as he passed the phone to Niall. "It was -- it had chocolate cake and buttercream frosting. There are so many combinations. But not all of them are good, which is why I always got mad when the customers picked something gross." 

Louis laughed as he watched a sassy smile spread across Harry's lips. "Well look at that, Hazza," said Zayn, who had been listening to the conversation. "You're feeling better already, yeah?" 

Harry smiled and nodded at Zayn. "I guess I am," he said, his voice containing much more energy and spunk than usual. 

Wow - so this was a long chapter. My apologies!! I didn't intend for these chapters to be so long, but I wanted to include all the guys in this one, so it really dragged out. So-- thanks to everyone who has been reading so far. This has been a really cathartic story to write, though I know the topic is a rather sensitive one. 

What do you guys think so far? I don't really have an ending fleshed out -- but I do have a general sense of how I want events to progress. If there's something you'd like me to incorporate or think would be relevant to add let me know!

I want this to be a story of recovery, and as we can already see, Louis is very attentive to Harry's needs and has already offered a helping hand to Zayn and Liam, who are struggling to get Harry the help he needs. I think it's important to point out that there's no 'right' way to recover. Though rehab or treatment programs might work for some, they don't for others and I think Harry is an example of how it might not always work. Also - Harry isn't doing any of this intentionally, so I hope I did a good job of explaining that and depicting how his mind works with the two sides: what he wants to do and what the voice wants him to do.

So we'll see what Harry's path to recovery looks like, though it's different for everyone. Also it's kind of cringey and sad for me to write about Harry's body in this state. What do you guys think of this? Is it too much -- or too little? I was trying to describe some of the physical symptoms of being underweight; but I want to emphasize you don't have to be underweight to have an eating disorder. 

Sorry if this was kind of preachy haha I just wanted to clarify some things :P But I hope you all like the story!! 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!


	6. Worth It

"Hey, you're cute," Liam said, poking his finger into Zayn's chest with a little too much force. Zayn grabbed Liam's hand and giggled loudly in response. "Thanks, Li, you too," he replied, lazily kissing him on the cheek.

"Someone's been helping themselves to the Prosecco," Louis said, raising an eyebrow at Niall as he motioned to Zayn and Liam, who were now cuddling closely on the couch. 

"Yeah, but you offered," Zayn said, his soft brown eyes connecting with Liam's as he answered Louis. Louis shook his head and poured himself another drink. He himself was feeling a bit tipsy, but not enough to cozy up on the couch and start playing tonsil hockey with.... well, you know who.

Louis closed his eyes and tried to erase the thought of hooking up with Harry from his mind as the bitter drink filled his throat. Then, he opened his eyes and snuck a peek at Harry, who was wrapped in a blanket playing some sort of videogame with Niall. 

"What're you playing?" Louis asked, walking over to them. "Madden," Niall responded. "Apparently Harry loves football. He used to play." Without looking up from the television, Harry nodded. "Yup, I was defense," he said, wrinkling his nose as he made his player dive in to steal the ball. 

"Oh, fuck off," Niall responded, annoyed that his team had just lost control. Louis snickered to himself. Football was easy enough to follow along, but you would never find him stepping foot on any sort of sports field. Running around chasing after people -- and working up a sweat -- was not for him. 

After the round finished, Niall rose to grab another drink, and Louis watched closely as Harry began to bundle himself further into the blanket, closing his soft green eyes slightly as he leaned back into the couch. 

"Aww, he's sleepy," Louis said quietly to Niall, who was taking a solo shot of whiskey. "Ay, that burns," Niall said, wiping his mouth. "Haha, oh no, poor lad fell asleep on us."

Liam, who had finally finished examining the interior of Zayn's mouth, glanced over at Louis nervously. "Oh, so sorry. It's 12. That's about when he falls asleep," he explained, as if talking about a child. "That's okay," Louis replied with a chuckle, his blue eyes crinkling as he watched the angelic boy resting peacefully beside him. "Doesn't bother us."

Liam nodded and shot one more glance at Harry before returning his attention to Zayn, who was now gripping his torso firmly and covering it with lovebites. "Um... Zayn, babe. Why don't we take it back to the room," Liam said, trying to pull Zayn off of him as he shot Niall and Louis an apologetic look. "What you don't like my kisses?" Zayn asked, sitting upright and lowering his head.

"No, love," Liam whispered into his ear. "I do, but we're making them uncomfortable." Zayn's eyes opened wide and he let out a long "Ohhhhhh" as if having an epiphany. "Okay," he said, shaking his head. "Let's go home."

Liam stood up and walked over to Louis. "Thanks so much for the drinks man. It was fun getting to know you. Next time, come to our place, okay?" he said, patting Louis on the back. "And you too, Ni. We're gonna head back to our room because well...." he motioned at Zayn, who was now taking his shirt off. Niall and Louis burst out laughing, their eyes welling with tears over the hilarity. In response to the noise, Harry mumbled something softly in his sleep and turned over. 

"Zayn, love. Keep your clothes on," said Liam, grabbing his shirt from him and helping him tug it back on. But to be honest, Louis didn't mind -- that tattoo-covered chest was visually pleasant in more ways than one... 

"Okay," Zayn huffed, putting his shirt back on. "Goodnight everyone. Thanks for the drinks. Sorry I had a few too many.... Did I say goodnight? Goodniiiiiiight!" He began sprinting to the door and Liam jogged after him. "We forgot Harry, Z," he called after him. 

"Oh, that's okay," Louis said, standing up. "He can spend the night here. It doesn't bother us. He's so tired, it would be a shame to move him. And I'm sure you guys want the privacy." Liam looked at Louis skeptically, unsure if he could trust this fiesty journalist bloke after just meeting him a few hours ago. "I -- um," Liam stuttered. "Trust me, trust me, trust me. Louis is great. Harry can stay just for the night. And Louis knows how to help him cause his sister had anorexia too..." Zayn blurted out, without realizing what he just revealed. 

"Wait, what?" Liam said, his mouth dropping open and his brown eyes widening. "Honestly, that's a story for another time. I realized he was ill, because my sister was also ill and had the same symptoms like always being cold, wearing big jumpers, etc. I told Zayn I could give you the name of the program she did. But really, I'm pretty tipsy and I'd rather not discuss it further..." Louis said, walking over to Liam. 

"That's really none of your business, Louis. You don't know what's wrong with Harry. That's classified medical information," he said, folding his arms. Zayn looked at Louis with sad eyes and shrugged, unsure what to do. Niall shook his head and grabbed another drink. 

"You're right. Of course," Louis said quickly, trying to diffuse the problem before it escalated. "Well Harry is welcome to stay. Or you can wake him to go with you. Your choice." 

Liam looked over at Harry who was peacefully sleeping on the couch, his long curls tucked away in his beanie. Then he looked at Zayn, who had somehow managed to pull his shirt halfway off and was now dancing around with his rock hard abs completely visible. 

"Fuck," Liam said, shaking his head. "Okay, Harry can stay. If anything happens, just knock on the door." Then he grabbed Zayn's hand and headed out the door, unsure as to whether he made his decision because he was too drunk or too selfish. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey, Harry," Louis said softly. It was 10am and Harry had just woken up, his green eyes darting around the room as he tried to figure out where he was. They looked a bit lighter in the soft morning sunlight, and Louis wondered how someone could be so beautiful without realizing it. 

"Wh -where am I?" Harry stammered, a hint of panic filling his quiet voice. "Relax," Louis said. He put an arm on Harry's shoulder and began rubbing his arm to comfort him, suddenly remembering how he didn't like being touched. 

"Oh, sorry," Louis said awkwardly, removing his hand as Harry began to tense his body. "But -- you're in my apartment. Well my and Niall's. You fell asleep here. Do you want breakfast?"

Harry shook his head violently, and quickly realized his curls felt more loose than usual. He began to panic as he realized the beanie had fallen off in his sleep, and quickly threw off the covers and jumped up to look for the tiny black hat. 

Fuck, he thought, his legs shaking underneath him. A dizzy spell is the last thing in the world I need right now. Unable to see, Harry reached out with his hands, grasping for a surface to hold onto, but couldn't find one. He began to lose his balance and stumbled backwards, only to knock into a warm, soft surface. 

When he opened his eyes a few seconds later, he realized it wasn't a surface he had fallen onto -- it was Louis. "You okay?" Louis asked quietly, his muscular arms firmly gripping Harry's tiny torso. Horrified, Harry twisted out of his grip and sat back down on the couch, steadying himself and taking deep, labored breaths. 

"Yeah, I'm fine," he muttered. "You don't look fine," Louis said, taking a seat next to him. He tried to make eye contact with Harry, but Harry turned away and buried his face into his trembling hands . "If you don't mind me asking, why did you pull away from me, Harry?" Louis asked, biting his lip and wondering if that question was too direct. 

"Nothing, I just fell on you, and I'm -- well... you know..." Harry said softly, trailing off at the end of his sentence. He ran his fingers through his hair, trying desperately to smooth it out and cover the bald spots. "I don't know actually," Louis said, frowning as he watched Harry's skeletal hands quickly move to and from the white spots where his curls had fallen out. 

"I'm too big, you know. Didn't want to hurt you," he said, finally looking at Louis. His mouth was tangled in a twisted smile as he said the word big, as if he were both upset and content. "Umm... Harry," Louis said, a tear welling up in his eyes. He didn't want to confront Harry about his disorder because he knew he would probably explode on him -- like Fizzy had so many times, often throwing things at him or slamming the door -- but he couldn't hold it back anymore. 

"I'm going to tell you a story about my sister Fizzy, okay?" he said quietly. Harry nodded, a confused expression spreading across his face. He bit his lip and looked at a point between Louis and the floor.

"So my sister, she's wonderful. Very bright, very creative. But when my parents split, she started to feel really down on herself. She thought it was her fault and all that, and she stopped eating for a while to deal with how out of control things felt," Louis began. His voice was an octave higher than usual, and he already felt himself getting emotion. 

Louis paused and watched for Harry's reaction, but there wasn't one. Instead, he sat there with a blank expression on his face, hands folded neatly in his lap, unmoving. "She stopped eating... first she skipped a few meals, but then eventually she hardly ate anything at all. She would run miles and miles every day. She lost so much weight that she lost her period, her hair started falling out, and she was always cold, even in the summer. She could hardly eat a single bite without panicking and one day, she passed out and we took her to the hospital. They said she could die." Louis felt his eyes water as he spoke, and lazily rubbed his eyelids, as if that would help wash away the tears. 

"It's a sad story," Harry responded quietly, not changing his facial expression. "Yeah, it is. So the doctors said she had to start eating or she might not make it. So we took her to program after program and she kept relapsing. She would eat what they made her, but then stop eating as soon as she got home... and my family and I, we cried every single day. We were so worried, but we didn't know how to help her. She would hide food, purge, trick the scales, everything," Louis continued, feeling nauseous just thinking of those long, dreadful years. "And I guess I'm telling you this because... well, because I see this happening to you. I see all of Fizzy's behaviors in you. And I know you're sick, Harry. I know you're hurting. And I know despite being so underweight, you still feel fat. But I want you to know that it gets better. Fizzy got better -- she's happy now. She's healthy, she plays sports, she has a boyfriend. She loves herself now. And if Fizzy could do it, so can you."

Harry didn't answer Louis. Instead, he stood up, searched the couch for his wallet and phone, and then walked quickly towards the door without saying a word. "Harry?" Louis called. He was no sprinter, but he was certain he could get to the door before Harry if he tried. 

"Harry, don't leave," Louis said, panting after his miniature marathon and blocking the door with his body. "You're wrong. You don't know what you're talking about at all," Harry spat, his eyebrows furrowing and mouth forming an angry frown. Louis shook his head fervently. 

"Do you fucking know what you're doing to your roommates? Zayn was fucking crying last night over you -- we all were. You're so close to death, Harry. Please. Can't you at least acknowledge that? You nearly just passed out on my fucking floor," Louis said, clearly failing at his goal of staying calm and collected during this discussion. 

Harry looked up at Louis. He knew. He knew so well what he was doing to his roommates, what he was doing to himself, and he hated it. Every single day he wished he could just bloody eat one god damn meal, he wished he could just stay in remission, just stop exercising. He knew what was happening. He knew he was so fucked up, so broken. He knew he was dying. He knew that every day was a gamble with death. But he wasn't going to tell Louis that. 

"Harry, please," Louis said, this time openly crying. His eyes were red and puffy and the tears streamed slowly down his cheeks. "Can't you just tell me one thing. One little thing... I know you're in there Harry. I know you want to...." Louis trailed off and shook his head as he saw that there was no use in getting the silent, frail boy in front of him to open up even the slightest bit. 

"Is that all, you're just going to stand there when every fiber of you knows I'm right?" Louis said, shooting Harry an incredulous look. "Fine. If you won't tell me that, then tell me this. Do you find me attractive?"

"What?" Harry said, completely thrown off by the question. "I -- yeah. But I don't see what that has to do with..." "It has everything to do with it, Harry. Because I see the way you look at me, I see that look of longing and desire in your eyes. You think that I'm something you can't have, that a relationship is something you don't deserve... I saw you stop for a second and think about something last night before you slinked away from my touch. You were thinking that you don't deserve affection or something like that, right?" 

Harry felt his face grow hot and his cheeks begin to redden. "Fuck you Louis. Fucking fuck you," he growled, balling his hands into fists. Louis shook his head as he looked at Harry with bloodshot eyes. "Is it not true then?" he asked quietly. 

Harry shook his head fervently, his soft curls bouncing on his back. "I... I fucking want to eat. I do okay. I'm not stupid, I know I'm ridiculously sick. I know you're right. I know everyone is trying to help me and I'm letting them down. I know," Harry shouted, gripping his phone so hard his knuckles turned white. "And yeah, I don't let people touch me because I fucking feel disgusting and unworthy of attention. I find you hot, but I think you'd never like someone like me... Okay? Is that what you want to hear, Louis? My depressing, fucked up thoughts. That's what god damn therapy is for and I can't even do that right, they can't even help me there, so how the FUCK are you gonna fucking help me, Louis?" 

"But you're wrong," Louis said quietly. "You're wrong cause I would like someone like you. And I do like someone like you." Harry's green eyes grew wide and he took a step away from Louis, but Louis blocked him with his arm. "You're just saying that," Harry said, struggling against his grip.

"But I want you, Harry," Louis said, taking a step closer, his blue eyes hungry for Harry's green ones. "I... I need you..." Harry looked at Louis, feeling both terrified and exhilarated. Even the screaming voice in his head couldn't stop the bulge that was growing in his pants. He licked his lips and looked at Louis, who was now awkwardly standing there, one hand extended, and unsure what to do. 

"I won't touch you if you don't want me to," he said to Harry, watching intently as Harry pulled down his shirt, attempting to cover up his boner. "I -- um," Harry stuttered. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, sending a mental 'fuck you' towards the shouting voice that told him not to let Louis near. 

"You can touch me," he whispered. "But um... not my stomach or anything, like arms, okay?" Louis' eyes lit up and he nodded slowly. "Can do that," he whispered back, standing on his tip toes to wrap his arms around Harry's thin shoulders. 

As he got closer, Harry's eyes connected with Louis' and he leaned forward -- without thinking -- and kissed him, his lips passionately grooving with Louis'. Louis kissed back, swirling his tongue in Harry's mouth and biting at his lips a little. Harry could feel Louis, whose crotch was pressing against his legs, growing harder. 

Harry reached down to touch Louis' crotch, but Louis pulled away quickly. "No, Harry," he said, breathing heavily. "We're moving too fast. I just wanted to show you...."

"Show me what?" Harry asked, grabbing Louis by the shoulder with a grip firmer than he expected. "That you're worthy of affection, worthy of touch, worthy of kisses, worthy of a whole lot more...."


	7. The Fight

Harry sat in his room, bundled up in blankets, unable to concentrate on the Netflix show in front of him. He couldn't stop thinking about the way Louis had kissed him -- or in fact, the way he had kiss Louis. It had been ages since he was intimate with anyone, ages since he even allowed anyone to touch him in any way other than a tiny tap on the back. Zayn and Liam had tried to hug him countless times over the past few months, but he has always panicked and resisted, begging for them to stop as though they were whipping him rather than cuddling him. 

Harry began to wonder if what had really just happened had been a dream, and with his dizzy spells, it very well could have been. But even Zayn and Liam could tell something was different with him when he arrived back at the flat. 

"Someone looks cheery," Zayn said with a big smile, although Harry saw Liam hit him afterwards and whisper something about not drawing attention or making a big deal out of things because it would upset Harry. It doesn't upset me, Harry thought to himself. Why do they always treat me like a child? 

As Harry went to his usual spot at the TV, Liam followed after him with a bowl of cereal. "Hey, Harry," he said slowly. "I'm assuming you didn't have breakfast at Louis' right? Because if you say you did, I'll go and ask him if you're telling the truth." Harry shook his head angrily, annoyed that he couldn't lie to Liam this time and grabbed the bowl, slowly spooning the Cheerios into his mouth. 

He didn't have as much trouble with cereal as he did with other foods because it was low calorie. It was still scary, but the milk was scarier and he was dreading the part where Liam made him drink the milk at the bottom. Oftentimes he held his nose as the thick fatty milk dripped down his throat. It wasn't that he didn't like the taste, it's just that the thought of consuming something so unhealthy made him want to vomit. 

Harry ate the cheerios quickly, or at least quicker than Liam expected, and then he looked up at him with a sour face. "Please don't make me drink the milk, Liam," he begged, pulling on another beanie that he found on the coffee table. "Alright," Liam replied coolly. "Then you can have a yogurt instead. You need a dairy with your breakfast." Harry considered the two options. Yogurt also made him nervous, but not quite as much, especially if it was the diet yogurt. 

"Alright, yogurt," he said, getting up to get it. "No, Zayn'll get it, Haz. How do you feel today? Be honest," Liam said, sitting down in the chair across from him. "Um... well I had a dizzy spell this morning, but aside from that fine," Harry said. He decided to just tell Liam the truth because he never ever let Harry get away with saying 'fine' and often pressed him until he told the truth, which is exactly what Louis had done today. 

"Here's the yogurt," Zayn said, jogging over and handing Harry the yogurt with a spoon. Harry inspected the label, looking for the calorie and fat content, but Zayn had ripped it off. He shot Harry a warning look. "Don't look at the label, Haz. You're fine. You're doing so great today," Liam said smiling. He wished he could hug him or at least pat his back, but knew better than to try to touch Harry unexpectedly. 

Harry faked a smile and opened the yogurt, taking small spoonfuls as Zayn and Liam stared at him to make sure he didn't throw any of it away. Harry wanted to cry at how trapped he felt, how out of control he was. His roommates were literally treating him like an incapable child, and all he wanted to do was prove that he wasn't one. 

"So, Harry, we know you're not gonna like this. But there's another program that we want you to try," Zayn said slowly, taking Harry's empty yogurt container as he finished. "Louis' sister went there and she highly recommends it. And we called your insurance and they're gonna cover it this one last time...."

Harry wanted to resist, but he knew it was no use. Liam and Zayn would do whatever it would take to get him to go, even if it meant removing him from the house by force--which is something they have done before. "I obviously don't have a say in this," he said, glaring at Zayn.

"Harry, please. If you do well there during the first two weeks, you can switch to outpatient. It's supposed to be different than the others. There's a much stronger focus on your mind," Zayn said in soothing voice. Liam nodded in agreement, but Harry shook his head, tears flowing. 

"Harry, you do this every time. I'm so sorry we have to do this, but there's literally no other option. Do you want me to call the hospital?" Liam asked. He was beginning to tear up too. "No," Harry said. "I'm just so bloody embarrassed I keep relapsing."

Zayn and Liam looked at each other with sad eyes. "We know you're trying, Haz," Liam said, walking over and slowly patting Harry's back, making sure to get his permission first. "But right now, we need you to fight. You're going to have to fight as hard as you can. Can you do that for us?"

Harry looked up at Zayn and Liam, who both looked so tired, so worn out from over a year of taking care of him. He could tell they needed this to end, that they needed him to get better once and for all. That he was slowly draining them of everything they had. 

"I fucking promise I won't give up this time," he breathed, holding back tears. "I'll give it everything I've got. For you guys." And for Louis, he thought.


	8. Baking Again

Bzzzzz. Harry heard his phone vibrate with a text. "Liam, you ass, don't text me from across the room?" he said, shooting Liam a silly look. "Not me mate," Liam replied, looking up from his laptop. "Zayn?" Harry called into the next room. "Not me either," he yelled back. 

Harry looked suspiciously at his phone and opened the message, wondering who it could be from. No one ever texted him besides his roommates, mostly because he had cut off contact from most of them. Ever since he got sick, he stopped going out and being social. He had tried to hold onto some friendships, but eventually it just became to much, as his crippling fear of food quickly began to prevent him from leaving the house. 

Harry smiled as he saw who the text was from -- it was Louis. Suddenly, he remembered in some sort of foggy memory from last night in which all the lads had exchanged numbers. Harry nodded to himself as he looked down at his phone to read the message:

Louis: Hey Harry. How are you feeling? Was wondering if you wanted to come over later. I bought some cake mix and was wondering if you wanted to bake a bit. 

Louis: Don't worry. You don't have to eat any

Harry was perplexed at this odd request of Louis' to bake but not eat cake.... He knew he was probably just trying to make him feel better about his fear of desserts, but it still seemed weird. He responded:

Harry: Ok, yeah. But why?

Louis: Wanted to spend time with you

Harry: Oh. Um. Why me?

Harry instantly felt silly after sending that because as insecure and depressed as he was, he didn't want to openly share those types of thoughts with Louis. Now he was going to think he was strange... But Louis continued to type. 

Louis: Cause you're fun to be around. Would be great to get to know you more.

Louis: When do you leave for treatment?

Harry: Three days. It starts on Monday.

Louis: So we'll have to make this count, yeah?

Louis: 7pm good?

Harry instantly started to panic at how forward Louis was being. There was no way he could be interested in him! It just wasn't possible for a guy like that -- so muscular, so confident, so sexy -- to be into someone so gross and damaged. Harry shook his head and tossed his phone aside, planning to not respond, to not go. 

But after a few minutes, he realized that he might be making a mistake. This could be the last time he sees Louis in a really along time, since the program could go up to two months if he didn't get his shit together in time. He grabbed the phone and quickly responded "Yup" before tossing it back down and taking a nap, exhausted by the process of eating that bloody yogurt Zayn and Louis had forced upon him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Coming," Louis called, setting the last of the ingredients on the counter. He jogged to the door and opened it to a nervous Harry, who was fidgeting with a bracelet on his arm. Today he was wearing a baggy T-shirt, his long, thin arms fully exposed and black joggers, which hung loosely off of his hips. Instead of wearing his beanie, he had pulled his hair back into a tight pony tail, which Louis found adorable. 

"You look great," Louis said, welcoming him in. Harry began to interject, but Louis smiled and simply said, "Harold, take the compliment." Harry reached in the air, pretending to take it, and both boys laughed, though Louis was sincerely surprised at Harry's sudden change in spirit. 

"So I am no baker, Harry, but I tried my best to find different frostings and sprinkles and things. It's just regular old cake mix, nothing fancy, but I figured you could make a creation out of it. I have pans and oil and all that too," Louis said, fastening a white apron onto his curvy torso and handing one to Harry. 

Harry struggled to put on the apron -- it was so loose he had to tie it around his middle twice over to get it to stay up. Louis shot him a pitiful look, but he didn't seem to notice, as the next thing he did was walk over to the countertop, carefully examining each item. 

"You really don't know how to bake," he said with a slight giggle. "This is baby powder Louis -- what the fuck?" 

Louis jumped up in embarrassment, grabbing the baby powder from Harry's hand. "Oh my god, I thought it was baking soda, Jesus," he said, his face flushing red. 

"'S alright, Lou," Harry replied. "I'll teach you all you need to know about making a vanilla Funfetti cake. Didn't learn this at the bakery, that's for sure," Harry said with a smirk.

Harry began to set up the ingredients, his thin hands flitting from item to item, nearly causing Louis to get dizzy. "Okay, so pour that in and then we'll add the eggs and whisk it," Harry instructed. "Do you know how to use a whisk Lou?"

Louis made puppy dog eyes and shrugged at Harry, sending him into a fit of laughter. "Okay, well I'll show you, then," he said, taking out a whisk and gently stirring the mixture until it was liquidy. "You try," he said to Louis, handing it to him.

Louis immediately lost his grip and dropped the entire whisk into the mixture. "Fuck," he said, reaching for it. "Nooo -- you'll make a mess of it," Harry cried as he grabbed a clean spoon to scoop it out. Louis, whose fingers were now covered in batter, giggled as he smeared some on Harry's nose. 

"Oh, it's on," Harry said, dipping his finger in batter and wiping it on Louis' cheek. Louis lunged towards Harry, ready for another attack, but Harry blocked him and wiped some on his forehead. "Okay, okay," Louis said, still laughing. "Let's stop before we destroy my brand new kitchen, yeah?"

Harry nodded and began to pour the batter into the pan, carefully evening it out with a fork afterward. "Then we set the oven to 325 and put it in for 30 minutes," he said to Louis, who began to set the temperature on the oven. "And now we can make the frosting. Do you like buttercream or cream cheese?" 

Louis shrugged. "I like everything. What do you like?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Well, I'm not having any," Harry said, matter-of-factly. "Yes, but if you were to have some, what would you have?" Louis asked, curious as to how he would answer. 

"Well, buttercream used to be my favorite...." he began, scrunching his nose as he tried to remember. It had been so long ago. "Buttercream, then," said Louis, putting away the cream cheese. "Okay," Harry said with a smile. 

Harry instructed Louis to put the ingredients in the bowl and whisk them, watching intently to make sure he didn't drop the whisk this time. "If anything, I'm more likely to drop it with you watching me like that," Louis whined, rolling his eyes. "Too much pressure."

"Yes, but then I can scold you as soon as you do," Harry said with a laugh. "Are you always this sassy?" Louis asked, cocking his brows. "Almost never, honestly," Harry said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. "I used to be... I used to have a really bold personality. They'd always find me starting arguments with the other bakers because I liked to sass people so much..."

Louis smiled sweetly at Harry. "Well you can still be sassy, you know. That's your personality, you don't have to hide it from the world," Louis told him, gently reaching out to grab his icy hand. "I sure don't."

"Yes, you sure don't Mr. 'Why Menswear suits are the new orgasm.' What possessed you to write such a sexy article?" Harry asked, a smutty look spreading across his face. "Oh, that. You read my writing?" Louis asked in surprise. 

"Yeah, well I looked you up. I wanted to see your work," Harry admitted, still holding onto Louis' hand. "That's so sweet, Hazza, thank you," Louis said as he put down the whisk. Harry blushed a little, but didn't feel as embarrassed as he thought he would be. Something about baking with Louis made him feel calm, at peace. 

"So now, we'll wait for the cake... I think it has like 20 more minutes," Harry said, a warm feeling spreading across his body as he thought of what could be accomplished in those twenty minutes. 

"Okay," Louis said, nervously. He was also thinking about sex, and with any other guy, that would be the obvious interim activity. But Harry was different -- Louis didn't want to move too quickly with Harry. Not because he was sick and weak and not ready, but because he was special. Because out of all the other guys Louis had been with, Harry was the only one who made him feel -- alive, electrified, wanted. 

"I -- uh," Harry whispered. "I think you look cute in that apron." "I think you look cute in everything," Louis whispered back, sending tingles through Harry's ear. 

Harry fought the urge to tell Louis: 'no, you're lying' or 'you're just saying that' and accepted the complement, biting his tongue to quell the guilty feeling in the back of his throat. 

"Thanks," he said in an uncertain tone. Louis nodded, excitedly. "Yes!" he exclaimed. "You took the compliment. It's true Harry, you are so beautiful." 

Harry looked at Louis, his green eyes sparkling, and bit his lip. Louis walked over and gently put a hand on Harry's shoulder. "This okay?" he asked quietly. "Lou, we kissed before, it's okay. You can, um, touch more of me. I'm just gross, but I'll deal," he replied, pulling Louis a bit closer. 

Louis looked at Harry skeptically, taking a step back. "You aren't gross. Not one bit. But I don't want to make you uncomfortable, Haz," he protested. "You're not," Harry insisted, bringing Louis' hand to his torso as if to prove he was okay with it. 

As soon as Louis' hand hit his waist, though, Harry felt as if he couldn't breathe. He immediately wanted to sprint out of the flat and run down the street to some place, any place but here. Louis looked up at Harry's pale face, and sensing Harry's panic, pulled his hand away. 

"I, uh, sorry," Harry mumbled. "I'm such a loser." He started to walk away, but Louis took him by the arm, grabbing his tiny wrist tightly. He led him to the couch, and Harry followed, reluctantly, and took a seat next to him. 

"You're not a loser, love," Louis said, blushing profusely as he called Harry his first pet name. He looked over at Harry who was just as shocked as he was, staring back at him with wide eyes. "Apparently I'm the loser here," Louis laughed. "I won't call you that if you think it's weird."

Harry shook his head, his pony tail bouncing against his back. "No, it's okay, really," he said with a soft smile. "Okay, love," Louis continued. "But, it's okay to be a little sensitive and not want to be touched. It's your body and I respect your feelings. But one day, I hope you can see how beautiful it is." 

Harry felt his eyes water. Liam and Zayn told him things like that all the time, but he never believed it coming from them. They were his best friends -- they had to say that. It was like a mother telling her son he was handsome. 

But to hear it from Louis, well it felt different. It felt like it might actually be true, though the voice in his head was screaming bloody murder that it wasn't. In that short moment when Louis called him beautiful, Harry felt himself rise above the voice, finally finding solace for once. Finally feeling the tiniest bit free. 

"Thank you," Harry replied, his eyes wet. "Truly. You can't imagine how that made me feel. I really feel a lot better." Harry leaned forward and wrapped Louis in an awkward hug, creating a large distance between their torsos so they did not touch. Louis didn't mind at all; he snuggled his arms into Harry's and tried to make the most of the hug as he could. 

Beeeeeeeep. "Oh fuck the cake is ready," Harry said jumping up. Louis positioned himself behind Harry, ready to catch him in case he was having another dizzy spell. But to his surprise, Harry didn't lose balance. 

"Were you expecting me to fall?" Harry asked, shooting Louis a dirty look. "You arse." Louis followed after him. "Well, I just wanted to make sure you're okay," he said, looking up at Harry to see how he was reacting. 

"Honestly, I don't feel dizzy anymore today. I had all my breakfast and almost all of my lunch. Like 3/4. I really tried," Harry said quietly. He felt Louis' soothing hand softly rub his back. "That's great, Harry, I'm so proud," he told him with a smile. 

Harry smiled back and leaned in to kiss Louis when the timer beeped again. "Oh, shit, Tomlinson," Harry giggled. "We are not burning this damn cake." 

He grabbed two oven mits and opened the oven, carefully removing the cake. Louis was surprised at how perfectly even the cake was and mesmerized by it's beautiful golden brown shade. Every time he had tried to bake a cake in the past, it had turned out a shit brown color.

"I'll frost it," Harry said, sticking his tongue out at Louis. "It looks awesome. So even and golden," Louis replied, handing Harry the frosting bowl. 

"Yeah," Harry said, slowly taking the knife and smoothing on little layers of frosting. "They would literally murder us if it wasn't perfectly symmetrical at the bakery," he said with a smirk. 

Louis began to wash the dishes as Harry frosted, mumbling something about Niall killing them both if he came back to a dirty kitchen. 

"Ta-da!" Harry said a few minutes later, showing Louis the cake. It was covered with a perfect sheet of vanilla frosting, and in the middle, Harry had used a dark blue frosting gel to draw a tiny portrait of Louis' face in cartoon form.

Louis smiled at Harry, his blue eyes crinkling at the edges, and kissed his head softly. "It's beautiful, Harry," he said. "Let me take a picture of you with it."

"Oh, uh, no that's okay. Just the cake," Harry said quickly, setting it down. "I don't like having my picture taken." 

Louis nodded. "Well I think you have a great smile and beautiful eyes. Are you sure?" he asked, trying to coax him into taking the photo. Harry shook his head, his eyes darkening a bit. Louis snapped a photo of the cake and then cut two slices, forgetting for a second that Harry wasn't going to eat his. 

"Oh -- sorry, Haz," he said, as Harry looked at the second cake slice in horror. "I cut two by mistake. Just leave it there."

Harry nodded and followed Louis to the table, watching excitedly as Louis took a bite. "Oh my god this is so damn good, Harold," he said excitedly. His blue eyes shot open as he took a bite of the cake, which was perfectly moist and tender. The frosting was also delicious -- extremely creamy and buttery with just enough sweetness -- not too much, but not too little. 

"Thanks," Harry said, smiling at the floor. Louis locked eyes with him and gave him a guilty look. "Harry-- are -- are you sure you don't want to try just one bite? You don't have to but, I'd love it if you did. For me," Louis said slowly, terrified that he was pushing Harry too far out of his comfort zone, but also delighted by what might happen if he actually did.

Harry swallowed and looked over at Louis, who was smiling at him with sad eyes. Absolutely do not have a bite. That cake will make you gain so much weight!!!! the voice in his head screamed. But Harry thought about what he had told Liam and Zayn today. He was going to fight. Hard. 

Taking a deep breath, he nodded at Louis, who hid his shock from Harry, but was internally throwing a party at how much progress was making. Louis stabbed a tiny piece of cake with the fork, making sure to include some frosting, and handed it to Harry. 

Harry was shaking, trembling in fear as the voice attacked him. He quickly grabbed the fork from Louis and put it to his lips, slowly chewing a few morsels. Then, he chewed a few more and a few more until the fork was clean. Then, the tears started flowing-- and unable to stop himself, he found himself crying into Louis' chest, whimpering softly. Louis stroked Harry's hair tenderly, his eyes wet and cheeks red. He was crying too.


	9. Feelings

"Hey, Zayn," Harry said softly. It was Sunday morning, and he was sitting at the living room table sipping a glass of water and reflecting on yesterday's baking session with Louis. Harry couldn't remember the last time he felt as carefree and relaxed as he had been when he was smearing vanilla frosting all over Louis' giggling face. It was as though in that moment in time, all of his eating problems and anxiety had suddenly disappeared, allowing him to finally enjoy himself and be his true self -- even if it was just for a short time. 

Harry loved baking. He always has, even after he stopped. Louis and Zayn had been trying to get him to start baking again for months, buying new cooking supplies and ingredients and begging him to at least look at them for god's sake, but Harry never would. He would just go to his room and lie down and stare at the wall until it turned blurry and he began to fall asleep. Harry did want to bake -- he did want to pick up those new whisks and bowls and pans and create a culinary masterpiece, a confection creation. But he just felt too depressed to even touch the oven again... too lost and removed from his former self to even begin to rebuild after what he had gone through. 

Baking with Louis, though, was different. Louis had a calming energy about him that made Harry feel content and at ease -- as if little butterflies were gently kissing him all over his body. And as a babbling Louis, who had mistaken baby powder for baking soda, asked him how to bake, his icy heart began to thaw a bit, revealing the warm, beating soul that it used to be. 

That day in the kitchen with Louis had surely been the best one Harry has had in what felt like ages -- not just emotionally, but physically as well. It was the first time in months Harry didn't walk around feeling like a zombie, his vision fuzzy and the walls vibrating around him. It was the first time he had actually finished all three meals without purging or exercising. And while the meals were small and probably only a portion of what his meal plan required, it was a huge step for Harry, who had been barely keeping one tiny snack down each day. 

And then there was the cake-- an incident which Harry simultaneously wanted to repress and replay in his mind a million times over. Swallowing that bite of cake had struck an incredulous feeling deep with in Harry, bringing him back to his days in the bakery when he tasted every cake and frosting flavor available, without a single care in the world about whether or not it would go to his thighs. It brought him back to early mornings spent laughing with his coworkers, late nights toiled over the fondant, trying to sculpt the perfect flower, sunny afternoons spent smoking a cigarette outside on his break, the smoke burning his lungs a bit as he stared at the shimmering harbor. 

And for once, Harry finally felt happy. 

But of course, the feeling was fleeting. Nothing could stop the shouting voice in his head telling him to put down the fork, to spit out the cake, to vomit repeatedly. But Harry suddenly realized that he didn't have to listen to that voice. That he could do what he wanted instead. And as he sat there, overcome by emotion and sobbing into Louis' warm, broad arms, he finally understood what Liam and Zayn had meant by the word fight. He had been fighting the wrong fight all along -- he had been fighting his best friends, his family, the doctors, the nutritionist. But that wasn't who he was supposed to be resisting against -- he was supposed to be resisting the voice. Because she was the enemy here, not them. She was the one stopping Harry from baking, from loving, from eating, from living. 

"Yeah, Haz?" Zayn asked, interrupting Harry's introspection. "Oh, um. I wanted to know if you wanted to go for a walk," Harry said quietly, locking his soft green eyes with Zayn's heavy lashed brown ones. 

"Um, sure," Zayn said, placing his notebook on the table. "But not too long though, you know..." Harry nodded, all too well aware that he wasn't allowed to go on a walk for more than 15 minutes because he was still only cleared for limited physical activity. 

"I'll come along too," Liam said, jumping up from the couch and grabbing his coat. 

Harry looked at him, wide eyed, and bit his lip, causing it to turn a bit red. "I, um. I was wondering if it could just be me and Zayn..." Harry said quietly in a guilt-tinged tone. 

Liam looked at Harry, trying to hide how hurt he was, and nodded slowly, fabricating a convincing smile. "Sure, that's alright," Liam said, giving Harry a small tap on the hand. "I understand."

He watched carefully as Zayn put on his coat, trying to restrain himself from the jealous rage that was pulsing through his body. That's my Harry, Liam thought to himself. I knew him first. Then, he turned on his heel and went to his bedroom, unable to trust himself to stay calm until they left.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"So, what's up?" Zayn asked, struggling to keep up with Harry's fast pace. Harry might have been weak, but his long, lanky legs allowed him take the most gigantic strides and Zayn found it hard to maintain his pace. 

Harry shoved his hands in his pockets and shrugged, gazing at the trees, whose falling leaves were now turning a soft orange color. "It's... well I'm embarrassed to tell you," he started, quickly glancing at Zayn to find him eagerly smiling back at him. "Nothing to be embarrassed about, mate," Zayn replied. "You've seen Li and I banging one out, after all..." 

Harry's cheeks flushed red and he started to chuckle as he remembered that night -- and the several other ones that followed -- where he saw Liam's strong muscled body thrusting into Zayn's petite frame. "Yeah, that was a memory I could live without," Harry admitted, smirking. "But yeah, it's about Louis. I kind of.... I think I have feelings for him." He looked up at Zayn, half expecting some kind of dramatic reaction about how he's not supposed to be in a relationship until he's recovered, something that Liam always harped on him about, even when he didn't bring it up.

Zayn smiled softly, his brown eyes twinkling. "I did notice you two seemed attracted to each other," he said quietly. Harry grinned back at Zayn, relieved that he wasn't siding with Liam on this one... at least not yet. 

"Yeah. He's a hot one, am I right?" Harry said, raising an eyebrow. Zayn cocked his head from side to side. "I'm not gonna lie, those blue eyes get to me. Don't tell Liam though," he giggled. Harry slapped him lightly on the back, shaking his head. "You dirty dog, Z," he cried. 

"But as I was saying, I noticed the attraction. I'm just wondering how... well I know you don't like to be touched. So do you just feel emotional attraction?" Zayn asked, furrowing his eyebrows and trying to figure out what it was Harry was after.

"Both. Emotional and physical. He's super sweet... he's one of those guys that cares too much, feels too hard," Harry said, a tiny smile forming on his lips as he thought of all of the sweet, selfless things Louis had done for him after just two days of knowing each other. 

"And yeah. I'm down for him. We kissed, actually, a few times..." Harry said, his pasty white cheeks turning a light shade of pink. Zayn's face perked up and he resisted the urge to start howling and jumping up and down in excitement at the thought of Harry kissing Lou. 

"Hazza," he said with a heavy amount of sass. "I'm so happy for you, love. That's great. You-- you let him touch you?" Harry looked at the sky, which was now forming a bright pink hue as the sun began to set. "Well... I'm getting there. I let him touch my shoulders and back. We tried my torso, but I just.. I couldn't," Harry choked, suddenly getting emotional at how god damn pathetic he was. Louis could easily be with someone else who let him touch their torso, who let him touch them all over...

"Hey, hey, hey," Zayn cooed, sensing Harry was getting upset. "That's amazing progress. Amazing, Harry. You won't even let Li or I do that. He must be special," he said, trying to return Harry's focus to Louis and away from himself. 

"Yeah, he is. I just.. I wish I didn't have to go to treatment. Wanted to get to know him more," he said with a frown. "Well, I'm sure Louis will still be there when you get back. He seems to really fancy you, Harry," Zayn said, smiling over at the younger boy. 

Harry sighed and nodded. "Maybe. Well, let's go back," he said, turning around at the half mile mark they always had to stop at. "I've reached my quota." 

"One day, Harry," Zayn said, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder. "You won't need a quota anymore. One day, you'll be free."


	10. Deep

"Hey, you okay?" Niall asked, walking over to Louis, who was continuously slamming down on the backspace key with more vigor than usual as he edited his piece. It was Sunday night and his article needed to be posted tomorrow morning or else he would be in a lot of trouble with his boss, a tall, ill tempered brunette who wasn't the friendliest as far as managers went.

"I'm fine... this article is just fucking me up," Louis growled, taking another sip of his black coffee. It was the only thing that could help him think when he was super sleepy.

"Well, why don't you take a break. For like ten minutes. We can chat," Niall said, putting aside his stack of real estate paperwork and taking a seat next to Louis on the couch. "Fine," Louis grumbled as he slammed his laptop shut. The bright neon laptop stickers of music notes, the gay flag and kittens felt smooth beneath his fingers. 

"So, how's Sophie?" Louis asked, cocking an eyebrow. "Oh, she's super good. She'll be travelling to New York next week for some fashion show thing. She's super excited for it," Niall replied thinking of the way his girlfriend's beautiful blue eyes had gleamed with excitement as she told him the news, her bright curls bouncing on her back.

"That's awesome. I've been before, but I can hardly remember. The food was amazing though. That pizza," Louis replied, licking his lips as he imagined the gooey mozzarella cheese and rose colored red tomato sauce that had coated each slice.

Niall giggled. "Stop, you're making me hungry," he said, shoving his roommate as he laughed. "So how are things for you? With Harry?"

Louis raised an eyebrow at Niall, a snarky smile forming on his lips. He had never formally discussed his feelings for Harry with Niall, but his roommate knew him better than anyone -- maybe even better than himself -- and all it took was that one night of observing Louis and Harry chatting for him to put two and two together.

"I...yeah, good. We baked together the other day when you were with Sophie. He really opened up to me. You know how he's all quiet and shy? Well, he started to come out of his shell and he's really funny-- sassy, even," Louis said smiling sweetly.

"That's awesome, Lou," Niall said, slapping his friend's thigh lightly. "Do you think he's getting a bit better." Louis shrugged, wishing Niall could understand that the situation wasn't that black and white. "Too soon to tell," he replied quietly. "He's making progress. I got him to eat some cake... just one bite, but it's a huge step for him. But he's been sick like this for a long time, Ni. It's gonna take him a while before he can you know, be healthy again."

Niall frowned and nodded at Louis. He had known about Fizzy's illness and heard what it was like from Louis, but it was still hard for him to understand this complex disorder. He sort of pitied Louis for having to go through it again, even after Fizzy recovered.

"Lou, do you think... well, don't flip out on me," he began, anticipating Louis' fiery temper to go off in flames if he pressed too quickly. "Do you think this is healthy? You and Harry? I mean... he doesn't seem ready to be in a relationship. And it's probably hard on you to watch him go through this."

Louis looked at Niall with a sullen gaze, their blue eyes connecting. He sighed and started to pick at his fingernails, knowing damn well that Niall was right, but too stubborn to admit it. What Niall had just described was a fear that has been lingering in the back of his mind for quite some time this weekend. It was sort of crazy because he literally had just met Harry a few days ago, but he felt as though as he already had a magnetic pull on him--and he simply couldn't walk away no matter how hard he tried. He was just too attracted.

"Do you think... maybe you want Harry because you want to take care of him? That maybe you want to help him in ways you couldn't help Fizzy?" Niall asked softly. Though he was a big drinker and a generally jolly fellow, Niall had a knack for opening up conversations that were eerily deep, so much so that they sometimes made Louis cry. Now was one of those times.

"Ni," Louis said, turning away to wipe away a tear that was forming in his eye. "I... I don't want you to look too much into this. We just met. And it's crazy, but I feel like I've known him for so much longer...." he began lowering his eyes to the hardwood floors as he suddenly realized Niall might be right.

"I guess I do see Fizzy in him and I do want to help him, to fix him. I guess you're right, Niall. And I know it's probably unhealthy... but I just, I just need him," Louis said, his eyes watering even more. He didn't want to get into the whole thing now with Niall because he already knew all the stories, but Louis had been in a lot of toxic relationships of the past, where his partners would manipulate him and play games with him, stringing along for months for nothing more than some sex or an ego boost and then throwing him away like crumpled paper.

But with Harry, Louis didn't feel so crumpled anymore. He didn't feel so broken. If he was being honest, Louis still had self esteem issues, though his loud mouth and sassy commentary often made people think otherwise. Though he didn't express it, he still felt insecure about certain parts of his body, like his thighs and his tummy, which many of his partners had poked fun at before. And though he would never admit it to anyone, deep down he thought he might not be good enough to even be in a relationship with -- might not be worth it. After all, if so many people had left him, it was probably his fault, wasn't it?

Niall sighed as he saw the look of pain on Louis' twisted face and put a gentle arm around his friend. "It's okay, mate," he cooed. "I know how you feel. You think you need him because he makes you feel safe and wanted. That's okay mate, but don't rely on him for your happiness. The happiness should come from in here." Niall pressed on Louis' chest, where his heart was, and Louis let out a tiny sigh.

"I guess you're right, Ni. Thank you," Louis said, leaning towards him and trapping him in a bear hug. "It's just that. I don't know. I'm gonna miss him."

Niall nodded, tapping Louis' hand to release him from the bear hug which had quickly grown to be too tight. "Yeah, but you know he has to go to treatment," Niall said sternly. "When he comes back and he's healthier, then you can think about starting a relationship. And in the meantime, you can work on yourself."

Louis nodded a smiled bit, his eyes still wet from the emotional roller coast this conversation had turned into. "I like that, Ni," he replied. "That's a really good idea."


	11. Leaving

"All ready?" Liam asked. He was looking at Harry, who was sitting at the dining room table all bundled up in his winter coat and thick sweatpants, wearing a pair of laceless boots and a blue beanie, which complemented his green eyes. He was holding the handle of a small blue suitcase with wheels --it was the same one that he used to bring with him on the trips that the two boys families used to take together when they were kids. Now it served a different purpose.

 

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be," Harry said, dipping his chin to look down at the floor. "Cheer up," Zayn said, jogging into the room and grabbing his keys. "You'll be home before you know it, Haz." Harry tried to smile, but his lips wouldn't let him -- they were tugged down in a permanent frown.

"Louis said he would be here by now," Harry said, making pouty lips as he checked his phone. It was 7:50, which meant they had to leave in 10 minutes. Louis said he would be over at 7:30 to see him off, but was still nowhere to be seen. So much for that, Harry thought.

 

Liam looked nervously over at Zayn, who shrugged back at him with wide eyes. "Well, he must have slept through his alarm. You can call him any time, you know that," Liam said, running quickly to the loo before they left. Zayn followed after him.

 

Suddenly, Harry heard a frantic knock on the door and his eyes opened wide in surprise. Zayn opened the door, and stared in shock as a half naked Louis darted past him and into the flat. "Oh my god, I overslept," Louis muttered. His voice was groggy, raspy. "Where's Harry?" he asked. Zayn giggled to himself, but couldn't help but sneak a peak at Louis' bum, which was straining against his red checkered boxer shorts.

 

"I'm in here," Harry called from the living room, walking quickly towards the foyer, where he met eyes with Louis. Harry's bright eyes were bigger than usual as he stared at Louis, whose eyes were half closed as he stumbled towards Harry, every part of him exposed aside from where his tiny boxers covered him.

 

Harry looked whimsically at Louis' broad chest and muscular arms, which he had always noticed and felt but had never seen before. Louis' thick thighs and tiny tummy made Harry squirm, as he desperately wanted to reach out and touch them, but he knew he shouldn't with his roommates still in the house. 

 

As Louis moved towards him, Harry held out his arms and trapped him in a tiny hug. As always, only their arms connected, but Harry slowly crept his hands down further, allowing himself to brush against Louis' torso. Louis hugged him back, not noticing the slight touch. 

 

"I'm so sorry I overslept. I usually wake up at ten and work late.... so sorry, Hazza," he said, his voice still thick with sleepiness. Harry stroked Louis' soft brown hair, which was currently sticking up in several different directions, and kissed him gingerly on the cheek.

Louis, who finally seemed to be coming to his senses, grabbed Harry lightly by the jaw and looked into his eyes. His gaunt, pale face made Louis quiver a bit, and he thought about how badly he hoped that the next time he saw Harry, his face would be round and full of life. "You're gonna do great, love," Louis whispered, causing both of them to tear up. "I'm so proud of you. And I'll be right here when you get back, okay?"

 

Harry nodded and looked up at Louis, not sure what to say in response. He settled on "thank you," but feeling like that wasn't enough, he leaned closely to Louis' ear and whispered something into it. "I'm going to do it for you. I'm going to recover for you. And then we can go on a real date. And I can bake a real giant layer cake and we can both enjoy it," he said softly, gasping a little at the end as he thought of the two of them in a bakery somewhere digging into a layer cake that he had made from scratch. 

 

Louis nodded, heavy lidded, and smiled at Harry, reaching towards his tiny face and wiping a tear away. "I would love that, Harry," he replied, giving him one last kiss--this time a passionate one on the lips, with a little bit of tongue, but not too much.

 

Suddenly, Zayn burst into the room, sending Harry and Louis quickly jumping apart in a panic. "Alright, love birds, break it up," Zayn said with a giggle, even though it was clear they already had. He tossed Louis a Tshirt. "Dude you might need this," he said with a smirk.

 

Louis looked down in horror to realize he was nearly naked -- he remembered jumping up out of bed without changing, but he usually wore a tank top to bed too... he must have gotten hot and taken it off in his sleep. "Or don't," Harry whispered, as he followed Zayn to the door. Liam was now in the hallway, pacing and checking his watch.

 

Louis half-smiled at Harry before putting the T-shirt on and then jogged out to the hall. "Bye guys. See you soon, Harry. You'll be great. Niall and I are rooting for you," Louis called over his shoulder, opening his flat door and disappearing inside.

 

Harry, Zayn and Liam stood alone in the hallway, the older two boys looking at Harry. "Alright, Hazza," Liam said quietly, grabbing his suitcase. "Let's do this."


	12. Rehab

Oh my god, Harry thought to himself. I'm going to be sick. He was currently sitting at a large mahogany dining room table with a nurse by his side and a giant plate of food in front of him.Just a few hours ago he had been in his house cuddling under his warm blankets and dreaming about Louis, safe and sound... and well, not happy. But happier than he had been. Now, all he wanted to was curl up in a ball and cry for hours.

 

"Harold, you've been sitting at this table for over an hour and you've only had two bites. This is unacceptable. We're giving you one more hour before we get the feeding tube put in," the nurse said with a stern tone. Harry glared up at her, his green eyes burning into the back of her head as she turned to speak to an administrator.

 

"I fucking can't eat this bloody cheeseburger. It's bigger than my head. I'll throw up. I'm not used to eating that much. Do you even know anything?" he asked, snarling. Harry had been to countless treatment programs and the portions had always been large, but never this gigantic. If this burger could barely fit in his large white hands when he want to grab it, how it was it going to fit in his shriveled stomach?

 

"That's fine. All the other patients finished an hour ago. You can do it. If not, get ready for the feeding tube," the nurse said, folding her arms in front of her. Harry swallowed hard, thinking of the last time he had a feeding tube in. It was so painful and uncomfortable that they ultimately had to restrain him because he kept ripping it out. Ultimately, he lay there in the hospital bed for days wishing for death as his body was pumped with the evil calories.

 

Harry shook his head. "Fine, I'll fucking eat it," he said, taking a big bite of the burger. He started to gag profusely, nearly vomiting at the taste of red meat and cheese--two foods he had avoided for the past year. He swallowed the first bite and then paused, heaving, and began to take another.

 

"If I fucking throw up.... it won't be voluntary," Harry nearly screamed as he wiped burger grease from his face. He was only a few bites in and his stomach was screaming in pain. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine Zayn and Liam cheering him on. Zayn would probably say something like "that's it, Harry," while gently patting his hand. Liam would smile and tell him how proud he is.

 

Keeping that in mind, Harry continued to eat the burger, which he was now halfway done with, and then glared at the nurse who was bringing over a glass of milk. "You missed snack time. They had yogurts, so you'll get milk. Can't fall behind schedule," she told him with a blank expression.

 

Harry swallowed the last bite of the burger, shaking with nausea and emotion, and reached for the milk. "Fucking give me that so I can leave," he said.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"Harry do you know why you're here?" the doctor asked, tapping her long nails against Harry's file, which was secured neatly to a brown clipboard.

 

"Because I fucking threw up my lunch, and everyone else kept it down and I'm an awful patient. What else is new?" Harry said, swinging a skeletal leg up onto the side of the chair and running his fingers through his patchy hair.

 

"Harry, this is your sixth treatment program in the past year. Don't you want to get better... or at least try? Why can't you let us help you?" the doctor asked, ignoring his rude response to the previous question.

 

"Why don't you understand that an anorexic -- that lovely word you all love to call me -- can't keep down a 1000 calorie meal in one sitting?" Harry retorted, his eyebrows furrowing together. Harry was talking but it felt as though his mind was in one room and his body was in another. He felt empty, detatched from his body and lost in his own world.

 

"I understand it was a large meal, Harold. I know it's uncomfortable for you because your stomach is used to always being empty. But you know the rules here. You can't force yourself to vomit," the doctor said carefully, abruptly cutting off Harry as he tried to explain himself.

 

"There's nothing to explain," she asked putting her finger to her lips to indicate that he should stop interrupting. "Here's the deal, Harry. We saw your vitals. You have a week left Harry, maybe less. Your organs are failing. Bloodwork showed a high risk of heart and kidney failure. If you don't start to eat now, you could pass away and there's nothing we can do for you."

Harry blinked at the doctor but didn't respond. His chest had been feeling tight and painful lately and at times, it was hard to breathe, but he didn't tell anyone because he was afraid that he would be forced to gain more weight....

 

"I'm sure you're exaggerating," he replied angrily. He tried to come off as indifferent, but inside he was panicking. He never thought it would get this bad.... he never thought he could die....

"We are absolutely not. I can show you the test results. Harry please," the doctor said, reaching for his hand. "Let us help you. I can teach you how to fight that voice. What to do when it gets too loud. How to deal with feeling full and bloated. How to overcome your anxiety. We have the tools here to retrain your thought processes, to make eating normal for you again."

Harry didn't respond, but the doctor continued. "Harry, when you were younger, what did you eat?" she asked with a small smile. "Dunno," Harry said. She raised an eyebrow. "Well we will sit here until you do," she said, folding her legs.

 

"Fine. Burgers, curry, sandwiches, pizza, fish and chips, crepes..." he said, trailing off at the end. He had no idea how he used to eat those disgusting, fatty, greasy foods. Just thinking about them made him feel sick.

"Wouldn't you like to be able to eat those things again, in moderation, without feeling nervous? Have a slice of pizza with a friend. Eat cake during a birthday. Don't you want those things back in your life?" the doctor asked, looking into Harry's green eyes, which seemed distant and cloudy.

Cake. A slice of cake.

Suddenly, Harry was in the bakery again, testing cake samples for an upcoming wedding cake. He remembered that day distinctly, where he had tried at least 15 different flavor combinations and was so sick of the sweet taste that the had to brush his teeth. His stomach was so full he felt dizzy. But he didn't panic or go running or throw up. He laughed. He laughed and laughed and picked a flavor and made the most beautiful cake with it. That Harry, happy Harry, would never have expected himself to turn out like this... hardly able to look at a piece of cake let alone stomach one.

"Yes, I'd like to be able to eat cake and things," Harry finally said quietly, a tear streaming down his cheek. The doctor looked at him in surprise, as he had suddenly switched from extreme apathy to extreme emotion.

 

"Okay, Harry. Then let's start with some mindfulness techniques....."

 

Harry nodded and listened as she gave him the instructions to the exercise. He wasn't sure if it was going to work. Fuck, he wasn't even sure he was going to keep down his next meal. But he knew one thing was for sure: he had to get better.

 

A/N: Hey guys! Hope you are enjoying the story so far. Sorry if this chapter was sad or disappointing to read :( I was debating if I should do a chapter on rehab or just have Harry reflect on it after he gets home, but I decided I wanted to show in detail how hard it is for him there... Personally I have never done inpatient, so I don't have the firsthand experience and only wrote this based on what I have heard/read/seen in documentaries.

Do you guys want to see more of his rehab experience? I'm leaning strongly towards fast forwarding from this point on... probably gonna do 2 months into the future. This is getting really hard/triggering for me to write and I don't want to rush Harry's recovery but I'll use the time hop so we can jump into the future and meet a healthier Harry.

I am just getting too sad writing about how sick and skinny he is 


	13. Time

After Harry left the flat, time started to move slowly for Liam and Zayn. For weeks, they found themselves coming home and calling "we're here, Hazza" over their shoulders, half expecting him to be curled up in his usual spot on the couch under his blankets. But instead of Harry's tiny, familiar voice, they were always met with the deafening silence of an empty flat.

Liam and Zayn's relationship began to change in more ways than one after Harry left. Now that they didn't have to worry about taking care of Harry anymore, they could no longer avoid the tension that had been bubbling up between them for months. Pretty soon, Zayn began to confront Liam about his jealousy problems and Liam picked up on Zayn's wandering eye.

"I saw you checking out Louis in his skinny jeans the other day," Liam said sternly one day over breakfast. Zayn looked up at his boyfriend with a weak smile and tried to brush off his comment without drawing supsicion. "I hardly looked, love," he said, patting Liam on the shoulder as he reached for his coffee.

"I know.... but. You've been hanging out alone with him lately. That kind of bothers me, Z," Liam said defensively, thinking back to just the other day when Zayn and Louis had gotten tea together. Zayn shook his head, his dark brown hair moving out of place.

"That's not it, Li. We were talking about Harry..." Zayn started. But Liam slammed his fist on the table, sending the silverware clattering. "What the fuck is there to talk about regarding Harry? Harry isn't your best friend, Zayn. He's mine. How fucking hard is that to god damn understand? I knew him first... and you just waltz in here and all Harry wants to do is chat with you and blow me off..... what the fuck is that, Zayn? Why don't we talk about that?"

Zayn stood up, shaking a bit, and stared at Liam, who was now fuming, his eyes wide and chest rising and falling quickly. "So now it all comes out.... all this jealousy. I can't be friends with Harry? Or Louis? I have to just sit around all day with you and make sure you're not freaking out about me liking someone else. Fuck off," Zayn spat, grabbing his coat.

"Can we be adults here?" Liam asked, taking a deep breath as he realized how much damage he was causing. He followed after Zayn and touched his back gently, coaxing him to turn around and face him. "I'm sorry Zayn. Okay, I'm sorry I blew up on you. I know I have to work on my anger and jealousy... it's just ever since Harry got sick, I've hardly had time to go to therapy... It's not an excuse. I'm sorry," he said, a tiny tear welling in the back of his eye.

"Well now's the perfect time to go back to therapy. It's okay Liam. Just don't ever talk to me like that again because I'm not kidding, I will bloody leave this flat the next time you do," Zayn spat. He patted Liam's arm gently and then pulled away from his grip, walking to the door and muttering something about needing a cigarette.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Lou," Niall said, trying to catch his roommate's attention. It was December now and Louis and Niall were in that stage where they hardly ever wanted to leave the house because of how damn cold it was outside.

"Hmm..." Louis asked, looking up at Niall lazily with bloodshot eyes. It was hell week at the magazine--they had to pump out 30 new articles within the next two weeks for the upcoming holiday season. "Are you liking the movie?" Niall asked, crunching on a piece of popcorn. They were watching a romantic comedy, Louis' favorite. But he didn't seem to be interested in the movie at all, even though it was the one he had always begged Niall to see with him in theatres when it came out.

"Yeah, just tired. I like it. It's funny," Louis said with a strained smile. But Niall knew Louis too well. He clicked pause on the movie and moving the popcorn aside, cuddled up next to Louis and put a blanket around him. "Lou, we need to talk, love," Niall said. "You haven't been yourself lately. And it's not just because it's hell week at work. Can we chat about it?"

Louis shrugged and looked into Niall's sparkly blue eyes, thinking about how the two of them used to stay up for hours in uni alternating between rom coms and Western flicks so they could both see the movies they enjoyed. Now, his and Niall's movie marathons were few and far between, as both boys worked weekdays and Niall spent most weekends with Sophie.

Unlike Liam, Louis wasn't the jealous type, and he wasn't envious of Niall for spending so much time with his girlfriend. They were getting really seriously lately, and after a year of distance, it was hard for them to resist hanging out when they lived just down the road. But, though he wouldn't admit it, Louis did feel a bit lonely without his roommate at times. Sometimes it was too much for him to be single.

Louis and Harry had made the decision to hold off on their relationship until Harry returned to rehab, as both boys needed time to work on themselves. Harry had very limited access to his phone, anyways, so Louis got to speak with him for a half hour each week and see how he was doing, but other than that, there wasn't much contact. Whenever he talked with Harry, they usually talked about things other than his recovery. Harry always complained how I've been talking about that all-day everyday since I've got here, so Louis usually changed the subject and updated him with the latest news or celebrity drama. Harry always asked about what types of articles Louis was working on and had the nurses print them out for him to read during his relaxation hour. Louis thought it was adorable.

But what Louis didn't reveal to Harry -- or Niall or anyone for that matter -- was that he still felt extremely lost, empty almost. Sure, Louis enjoyed his job. His boss was an arse, but the rest of his coworkers were friendly and he was given almost total freedom to write whatever he wanted, although readers sometimes found his overly sexual humor was a bit over the top. He loved London too. It was extremely different from Doncaster, but still beautiful and Louis spent most of his time off checking out the tourist locations and market places, although he had probably gone to them about a dozen times during his family vacations.

Everything in Louis' life was working out great. He had a great job in a great city and lived with his best friend in the world. And every day he wondered to himself why he couldn't just be happy with himself for once, why all these great things just couldn't be enough to satisfy him.

Louis had tried to spend the past few months working on bettering himself, as he had promised Niall he would, taking walks by the pier more often and doing meditation before bed to clear his mind. But it still didn't help with the fact that he felt like he would never be good enough to be someone's boyfriend. That he had serious trust issues and that maybe the only reason Harry even liked him was because he was helping him. It felt awful to think about, but Louis sometimes wondered if Harry would move on once he got out of rehab and was strong enough to get by without Louis' helping hand.

And it was for that reason that Louis sometimes found himself drinking a few too many glasses of Prosecco by himself at night or sneaking a few shots of Niall's whiskey before he went to work. Because maybe, that way, he could numb that empty feeling for just a little while, instead filling himself up with a bitter substance that would make him a bit more carefree... a bit more content.

"I just... I don't know. I don't feel enough, Ni," Louis said quietly, snapping back to reality. "I just feel like, you know, worthless I guess. Even though I know logically, I have so much going for me. But mentally, I just feel like I'm not good enough."

Niall nodded slowly, trying to empathize with his friend the best he could. "Well, why do you not feel good enough Lou? You're a great guy. Handsome, charming, sassy, opinionated, flirty. What's not to like?"

Louis squirmed in his seat and tugged the blanket up to his chin. "Well, I don't know. I mean it's not that I'm unhappy with who I am. I'm always unapologetically myself -- you see my articles, Ni," Louis said, raising a playful eyebrow as he thought of his last article about the mankini. "It's just that I worry that I won't be able to have a lasting relationship. Everyone always leaves me and it's probably my fault."

Niall stroked Louis' back and he let out a whimper. "Hey, mate. Everyone that left you was a straight up arsehole, so I wouldn't worry about any of them. Didn't that one guy sell shoe insoles for a living? Youre better off," Niall said with a giggle. Louis snickered thinking of James from Manchester, who had a sexy abs but a horrible job and equally horrible hygiene. "Yeah, some of those guys were creeps," Louis admitted with a tiny smile. "But Davey was great, and he still left me."

"Which one was Davey?" Niall asked, scanning his brain to try and put a name to a face. Louis sat up and slapped him playfully on the arm. "He was the finance guy. Remember. And he told me I was his boyfriend and then a few weeks later ghosted and dumped me over text," Louis said, cringing a bit as he relived the experience.

"If Davey did that, then Davey was not great," Niall said, raising an eyebrow. "Don't worry Lou. Keep your chin up. You'll find the one, I promise." Louis nodded, but not without grumbling something about how it's easier said than done. He looked up at Niall, who was now grabbing the bowl of popcorn, and stuck out his bottom lit to pout.

"But what if... what if Harry doesn't need me anymore once he's back? What if he goes off to find someone better..." he began, his head swirling as he considered all of the endless possibilities of how things could go wrong. "Lou," Niall said, taking a deep breath. "There is no one better than you, trust me. But whether you're the best match for Harry, and whether he's the best match for you-- well that's up for you two to decide. He's been through a lot, mate. And so have you. I think if you give each other time and patience, everything will work out the way it's supposed to."

"Oh my god," Louis said with a grin at Niall's sappy advice. "Niall James Horan, you are and always will be my best bloke." And with that, he tackled Niall, sending the popcorn flying all over the couch.

"You're cleaning this, mate," Niall said, pulling Louis into a headlock. Louis stuck out his tongue, using it to bring a piece of popcorn to his mouth, and giggled at Niall. "Already one step ahead of you," he scoffed.


	14. Coming Home

"Oh my god! Oh my god...." Liam screamed running up and giving Harry a huge hug. Harry was standing in the doorway holding his suitcase, with a big dumb smile on his face. "They told us to pick you up Monday morning. How did you get here?" Liam cried. 

 

"I got discharged early. And I wanted to surprise you," Harry replied, squeezing Liam's broad shoulders. It was the first time they had hugged in over a year. Without thinking, Liam squeezed Harry back, surprised to find that the younger boy felt solid and broad, rather than bony and lanky. He looked up at Harry, who was wearing black skinny jeans and a red flannel, and his eyes began to water. Harry was still very thin... but he looked so much b e t t e r.

 

Liam stared in awe at Harry's green eyes, which were no longer sunken in and dim, but bright and smiley. His thin, hollow face had filled out to reveal his cheeky dimples, and Harry's whole body had a healthy looking glow about it. Liam smiled as he noticed that Harry wasn't wearing his usual beanie... and that his lengthy brown locks of hair had grown back, strong and healthy.

 

Liam, without trying to be too obvious about it, also inspected Harry's body. The black skinny jeans, which had fit perfectly before he got ill and had become awfully baggy over time, now looked comfortable around his thighs. His long legs were still lean, but nowhere near as deathly thin as they had been— and his horrible thigh gap was nearly gone. His arms had filled out too, and Harry's naturally broad shoulders and chest were slowly starting to make a reappearance.

 

"Harry..." Liam said, choking back tears. "You look... you look. Incredible. Oh my god, Harry, I'm so proud of you. We're so proud of you. Zayn!!! Get the fuck in here, Harry's home," he screamed across the flat.

 

Zayn suddenly came running to the foyer in his boxers, nearly tackling Harry when he found him standing in the door frame. "You look amazing," Zayn said, throwing his arms around him. "Sorry, I'm half naked... I just. Wow." Liam joined in the hug, squeezing onto Harry from the other side, and they all sort of just stood their taking in each others' presence after so many long weeks apart.

 

"Alright, lads," Harry groaned. "You're crushing me. Please let go." Liam and Zayn did as they were told, and followed Harry into the living room, where he sat down in his usual spot. Liam could tell Harry was a bit nervous by the way he kept biting his lip and toying with a bracelet on his wrist.

 

"How ya feeling mate? We tried to visit as much as we could. Sorry we didn't more often," Zayn said, taking a seat next to Harry. Liam took a deep breath, sternly telling himself there was nothing to be jealous of. It was an exercise he had practiced with his new therapist, and with Harry back, he would probably have to put it into practice more often.

 

"No, you came to see me a bunch of times. I'm good, mates. Just a bit tired from the trip. I feel good. So much better," Harry said with a weak smile. Zayn and Liam both sensed that Harry was being distant, and they weren't sure if it was normal behavior after spending 3 months in rehab or if it was a sign that he was going to relapse. 

 

"Well, you look better, Harry. You look so much happier and all the more lively," Liam said, carefully trying to avoid words related to weight or size. "Thanks guys. Yeah, I did a lot of therapy... like a lot. And I can finally see now how bad of shape I was in before. Absolutely skeletal," he said, shuddering a bit. "Sorry you guys had to see me like that... I... I'm quite embarrassed."

 

Zayn shook his head rapidly. "No, Harry. Don't ever be sorry. We love you," he said, connecting eyes with Liam, and motioning for him to take a seat next to Harry on the couch. "Yeah, H," Liam cooed, rubbing his back. "We're so proud of you."

 

Harry nodded, trying to take in what was going on around him. Liam and Zayn's touch felt so nice and gentle... I can't believe I used to not let them touch me... Harry thought to himself. "Thanks guys. I love you too," Harry replied, awkwardly stroking Liam's arm.

 

"So I have some good news. If I do well at home for this next week, they'll clear me to start working again," Harry said, a big smile spreading across his lips. Finally, he looked like the Harry that Liam had grown up with, the happy-go-lucky, roll-with-the-punches Harry that everyone loved.

 

"That's awesome!" said Zayn, giving Harry a high five. Harry hit his hand back full force, nearly knocking Zayn off the couch. "Sorry," Harry said, laughing. "I guess I'm just unaware of how much stronger I got. Compared to what I used to be like, I have superstrength now." Zayn burst out laughing, pretending to run away from Harry a little bit. Harry made a zombie face and pretended to chase after him.

 

Liam smiled, his brown eyes crinkling a bit at the edges. He wasn't just smiling -- his heart was smiling too. Smiling at the sight of Harry finally, genuinely looking healthy and happy. Liam joined in on the fun, transforming himself into a second zombie going after Zayn, and the three boys collapsed, gasping for breath as they giggled in a pile on the couch.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"So, Haz," Liam said, handing Harry a plate. "You have your meal plan and everything. Let me know if you need any help with anything. I can show you where all the food is later, and we have measuring cups and stuff." Harry nodded, rolling his eyes a bit when Liam wasn't looking. After three months of being drilled about nutrition, he was pretty sure he could manage making a simple meal for himself.

 

But obviously, it made a ton of sense as to why his roommates didn't trust him. As he got settled in his seat, he thought back to all of the times he had sat at this very table thinking of all the ways to hide his food or work it off later. "I'll be fine, Li," Harry said reassuringly, grabbing the plate that Liam had put down in front of him. It was chicken pot pie.

 

"So, any more presentations?" Harry asked, looking up at Zayn as he took a bite of the pie. Zayn shook his head. "No, thank god. We just did one for the fourth quarter, so we're set until February," he said with a sigh of relief. "We nearly blew the last one because Liam over here couldn't present without his trusty lazer beam."

 

Harry let out a snicker as Liam grumbled over Zayn, trying to explain himself. "It was my lucky lazer pointer. I put it down on my desk for a second and then it was gone ... I always use it at every presentation, Z. You know that," he said, jutting out his lower lip. "Well, I'm sure it was quite important," Harry said with a giggle.

 

Liam looked down at his plate, trying to hide how surprised he was to see that Harry was halfway done with the pie already. The last time he had asked Harry to have a just a bite of chicken pot pie he had knocked the fork out of his hand and ran to his room. Now, he was sitting here, eating the whole thing, no tears and no hesitation. It felt like a miracle...

 

"'Twas important," Liam said, laughing. "See, Zaynie. Harry understands me, love." He leaned over and kissed Zayn on the lips, stroking his hair softly. Harry smiled at them awkwardly, causing Zayn and Liam to jolt apart.

"Oh. Sorry, Haz. We got used to just kissing wherever, whenever. We'll stop," Zayn said, smoothing out his shirt which was now wrinkled from cuddling up with Liam. "Absolutely not. I can handle it, mates. Go on," Harry said with a flashy smile. Zayn and Liam shrugged and then kissed one more time before returning to their meals.

Harry was smiling, but deep down he felt so guilty about how he had nearly destroyed Zayn and Liam's relationship through his illness, forcing them to keep their relationship a secret from him and dedicating nearly all their free time to helping him. He promised himself he would never let that happen again. It just wasn't fair to them.

"So, are you gonna see Louis later?" Liam asked, putting his plate in the sink. Harry handed Liam his plate, which was now finished too. "Ah, fuck," Harry said, his face turning a bit red at the thought of his crush. "I didn't even think about that. I didn't tell him I'm back yet."

"Well, there's no rush, Haz," Zayn said with a small smile. "See him when you're ready." Harry nodded in agreement, but felt a weird knot forming in the pit of his stomach. "I... yeah. But I really want to see him, mates. I just," Harry said quietly as he looked at his hands.

"What is it?" Liam asked, taking a seat back at the table. "I just don't know if he'll like me like this," Harry said, motioning to his body. Liam's face crumpled into a sympathetic frown. "Haz," he said quietly. "You look great. And trust me, he will. He was so, so worried about you before when you were... well, ill. He wants you healthy, just like we do. And you are now. Well, almost. 5 more kilos until you're in your goal range, right?"

Harry nodded softly, cuddling into Liam's strong arms voluntarily for the first time in ages. "Yeah, 5 more. And I can do it too," he whispered in reply. "I hope you're right, Li. I think you are, but sometimes I second guess myself. The voice is still there, just weaker."

Liam nodded, rubbing his hands through Harry's soft tresses. "I am right, Harry. Trust me. He's gonna be so proud just like us." Harry looked up at Liam and smiled, soaking up his warm embrace.


	15. Reunited

"Niall, this salad is amazing," Louis said, stabbing his fork into the watermelon and aragula salad his roommate had prepared along with their dinner. "Third night making dinner in a row, no big deal," Niall said, rolling his eyes at Lou, who was all too well aware of how lazy he was being.

"I will make dinner tomorrow night, I promise," Louis said with a smile. "Pizza or curry take away don't count," Niall said, raising an eyebrow. "Of course, they do," Louis retorted, giggling at Niall who had a piece of lettuce stuck in his teeth. "What's so funny, yeah?" Niall demanded, pretending to bang his hands on the table.

"It's nothing just lett-- wait did you hear that at the door?" Louis said, jumping up instinctively. "Oh my god I think your mankini is finally here," Niall giggled, remembering that Louis had ordered one on Amazon for a 'social experiment at work.'

"Very funny, Ni," Louis said, smirking at his roommate. "I'll get it." He jogged to the door, opening it without checking through the peephole first. When he swung the door open, his jaw dropped and he stared at the visitor with wide eyes.

"Oh my god. Harry," Louis cried, jumping up and down like a school girl. "Oh my god, love. You look so amazing. How are you? You didn't say you were coming home! When did you get here? Oh my lord, come in, come in.... So tell me about...."

Harry stood in the doorway, his hands in his pockets, and smiled at Louis with his bright green eyes. He giggled as the older boy showered him with questions and concerns, and then put his index finger to his mouth, making a low hushhhh sound with his parted lips.

Louis suddenly stopped babbling and stared up at Harry, who was now extending his arms and pulling him to his chest for a bear hug. Louis smiled as he felt Harry's warm, strong body against his, mesmirized by how much Harry had transformed from head to toe.

"Mmm, Harry," he breathed, his warm breath tickling Harry's chest a bit. "Mmm, Lou," Harry replied, stroking his back. "You feel so good, so strong," Louis said, cuddling further against Harry and closing his eyes. "I'm so bloody proud of you, Harry Styles. You have no idea."

Harry smiled, trying not to tear up. Between Liam and Zayn and his nurses at the hospital, there had already been enough tears today. He didn't want to cry anymore. He just wanted to enjoy his time with Louis.

"Hey-- what's the racket?" Niall called, walking over to the door. "Oh... sorry to interrupt..." Both boys split apart, giggling nervously. "Sorry, Niall. Nice to see you," Harry said, extending a hand. Niall took it and smiled back at him. "Welcome back, mate. We missed you," he said. "Look awesome. Want a coffee or anything?"

Harry nodded. He was still wary of liquid calories, something which he used to avoid religiously, but he was learning to push through and get over the fear. "Yeah, I'll take a tea please. With milk," Harry said, following after Louis, who was guiding him into the living room -- the same place where all five boys first got to know each other.

"Have any wild Prosecco nights without me?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow at Louis. "Nah, we were waiting for you to come back. Though, we did get pints with Ziam," Louis giggled. Harry raised an eyebrow. "Ziam? Oh my god, you did not give them a pet name...." Harry chuckled.

"Not my idea, man," Niall said with a snarky smile as he handed Harry a cup of hot tea. Harry watched nervously as Niall poured in a splash of milk, "Also, if you and Lou need some privacy, just let me know. Just gonna finish my din." Harry blushed and stood up. "Oh, so sorry. I didn't know you were in the middle of dinner," he said worriedly. "I can come back."

"No, that's fine," said Lou, jumping up to clean his plate. "I was nearly done." Harry eyed the plate, which was still half full of chicken, and gave Louis an anxious look. "You should finish. We just had chicken pot pie over at our place," Harry said, taking a seat over at the table next to Niall.

"Oh. Sounds yum!" said Niall. "I just keep it simple cause I can hardly cook, but that sounds awesome." Harry nodded, sort of feeling surprised with himself that he was having a casual conversation about food that didn't involve nauseua, the desire to purge, or mental calorie calculations.

"Yeah, well all Liam did was heat it up," Harry said rolling his eyes. "Oh speaking of cooking, I'm gonna get to go back to baking soon. Should be cleared to work next week!" Harry's eyes lit up as he shared the good news with the boys, and Louis jumped -- for the third time in ten minutes -- and gave Harry a huge hug, nearly spilling his tea all over the mahagony table.

"Watch the mahagony!!" Niall cried, grabbing Harry's cup before Louis could do further damage. But Louis ignored him. "Harry Styles, I am so damn proud of you, sweeheart," he gushed. Harry nodded, scooping up Louis onto his lap-- because, yeah, he had the strength to fucking do that now. "Thanks love," he cooed. "I'm proud too."


	16. Mine

"Lou," Harry breathed. They were in Louis' bedroom, as Niall had left to go see Sophie and they now had the flat to themselves. Harry was straddling over Louis, grinding his hips sofly against the older boys, who was moaning from the friction.

"Haz," Louis said softly, trying to control his breathing. His plan was to be super gentle with Harry and take things slow, as they hadn't even gone on their first date yet, and he had no idea how Harry's body image was after coming home from rehab literally a few hours ago. But when Harry pressed him up against the bedroom door, grabbing him firmly by the waist and showering his collarbone with kisses, it seemed obvious that Harry wanted to go much faster than he had anticipated.

Harry started to remove Louis' shirt, a dark blue jumper, and threw it off the bed, causing it to fall noiselessly on the floor. Louis watched silently as Harry fumbled with his own shirt, taking deep breaths as he slowly removed it halfway and then pulled it back down. "I just... don't make fun of me okay? I know I look okay with clothes, but underneath, my stomach is huge. I feel so bloated all the time," Harry said, his face falling as rolled off of Louis and slid into the space on the bed next to him.

"Harry, you don't have to take your shirt off if you're not ready? We don't have to move this fast... I was letting you lead the pace. We can slow down if that's what you need," Lou said, his blue eyes gleaming as he smiled at Harry, who was nervously biting at one of his curls.

"No, Louis," Harry said, grabbing him by the waist with rough hands. "It's not that... I want you... I want this. I just. I feel self concious. I'm just frustrated because after all this rehab you would think I would be able to take my bloody shirt off by now." Harry's face fell a bit and he looked away from Louis. Lou rolled Harry onto his back and sat up next to him, gently massaging his solid shoulders.

"Babe, it takes time. I know you wish you felt better by now, but just be patient with yourself. You've come so far," he said, reaching over and grabbing Harry by the hips. "Remember when we could hardly touch?"

Harry nodded, his dark pupils swallowing his green irises as he looked at Louis' shirtless torso. "Yeah, I do," Harry replied, his lips quivering a bit. "I just... need you now, Lou..." He traced circles on Louis' chest with his index finger and looked at him with longing eyes.

"Well who says you have to take your shirt off for that, Styles?" Louis said with a smirk. "As long as this is what you want..." He began to unbutton Harry's jeans, looking up at him for approval before he continued. Louis slid his jeans down his legs, but once he reached Harry's thighs, he started to squirm.

"I.... my legs are gross too... Louis. Fuck," he said, covering his face. "I'm so hard for you right now. I don't know why this is happening because it's exactly what I want. I'm sorry, Lou." Louis crawled back up to where Harry was positioned on the bed and kissed him softly on the head.

"Don't worry. I can wait a hundred years before we do any of this. I just want you," he said, cuddling up against Harry and turning so he could be the big spoon. "Thanks, Lou. For dealing with me when I'm...I'm like this. I just, I don't know. You can do better." He curled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

"What?" Louis asked in surprise, his eyebrows rising. "You can do better than me, Harry. You're so tall and sexy and gorgeous. Thoughtful, caring, talented. I'm just.. a loud mouthed writer who can barely make conversation without making some silly flirty comment." Harry was shocked to hear this was how Louis felt about himself. He had always considered Louis to be amazing --superior, even. What was he talking about?

"Wait... none of that is true though. You're great, Lou. You're the total catch... So caring and sassy and hot. And damn, your big blue eyes and perfect hair... and that arse. Who told you that you're not good enough?" Harry demanded, his button nose crinkling as he wondered how Louis could think those things about himself.

"I... well, I have a lot of exes. Or ex friends with benefits. Nearly all of them left me, and I think it's cause I wasn't well good enough. Not smart enough, not sexy enough," he said, his hands self-conciously gravitated towards his tummy as he let out a small sigh. "I just.. I don't know if I'll be able to get anyone to stick around..."

"Lou," Harry said, hugging Louis tightly. "I never knew that, Lou. You never told me. I'm so sorry they made you feel that way. But you are good enough... you are worthy of sticking around." His gentle hands weaved through Louis' thick hair. He felt the older boy little out a tiny moan.

"Really?" he asked quietly. It suddenly felt as though their roles were reversed -- instead of Louis taking care of Harry, Harry was now taking care of him. "Really," Harry replied. He stroked Louis' back, realizing that they were both struggling internally--although it was with different things, they both had their insecurities and self esteem issues.

"I'm not going anywhere anytime soon," Harry whispered. "You're mine, babe." 

A/N: what do you guys think so far?!? Lou is opening up and getting vulnerable with Harry :) How does Harry's recovery seem? I'm trying to make it as realistic as possible... he's doing the best he can, he's not gonna be perfectly "cured" after rehab which is why he's still a bit insecure + May have slip ups as the story continues. Louis and Harry seem good for each other but their relationship is still so new!! What do y'all think so far?


	17. Backwards

"Harry, I'm home," Liam called, coming into the flat. He rounded the corner and began walking to the loo to take a leak. "I'm back a bit early to— oh my god!" He screamed, jumping back in horror as he opened the door to find Harry kneeling over the toilet bowl, vomiting.

Harry looked up at Liam, his long hair plastered to his neck and his bright eyes dark rimmed and bloodshot, before he vomited again. "I fucked up," he coughed before spitting into the toilet. "I'm so sorry Liam. I let you down."

Liam walked in and knelt on the ground next to Harry, stroking his back softly as he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet. "It's alright, Harry. You're okay," he cooed. "One set back does not undo all of the recovery you worked so hard for."

"It wasn't just one," Harry choked between heaves. "I did it last night too." Liam felt his gut clench as he thought about how he and Zayn had been home last night, but were probably too busy canoodling to hear Harry vomiting in the bathroom down the hall. They should have been watching him more carefully.

"It's okay, Harry. You have therapy and a weigh in tomorrow and you can discuss what happened and come up with some new techniques," Liam said with a smile. Harry closed to the toilet bowl and stood up to flush it, using Liam's hand as support.

"Y- you're not mad?" Harry asked, looking down at Liam, who was still kneeling on the bathroom floor. "No. I'm proud of you for telling the truth. The old Harry wouldn't have told me, and he wouldn't have admitted that he did something wrong," Liam said, jumping up and following Harry out of the bathroom.

Harry nodded weakly at Liam, wishing he could believe him. But he couldn't help but feel like a failure. He was failing at recovery by throwing up and he was failing at being anorexic by not hiding his behaviors— it's like he couldn't do anything right.

"Haz. Do you think you know what triggered you?" Liam asked, handing Harry a bottle of water and the two sat down at the table. Harry shrugged. "I guess I just felt overwhelmed by... well, it's stupid. But by my new body. Everyone keeps drawing attention to how much better I look now... and it just makes me more self conscious about how I've changed. I know I look better... but the disordered part of me thinks I'm a failure for gaining weight. And sometimes I get triggered..." Harry said quietly. Liam stared at him with wide eyes, completely surprised by how self aware Harry was. Before, he was hardly able to admit he had a problem, let alone why he had a problem.

"And... I. I don't know. I felt so weird getting undressed yesterday with Louis. Like I was so hard, I was ready to do it. But I just couldn't even take my clothes off cause I was so embarrassed..." Harry admitted, realizing too little too late that this was probably something he should have shared with Zayn instead of Liam. Liam sensed that too, as his fists began to ball up in anger, almost involuntarily, and his shoulders began to shake with rage.

"I... alright Harry. Well I don't mean to intervene in your life, but don't you think it's a little soon to be jumping into a relationship... or into sex right when you get back? Don't you need some time to adjust, mate?" Louis asked. He had learned to turn his angry comments into questions so they didn't come off so aggressive and gave the other person the option to agree or disagree rather than just attacking them with his opinions.

"I mean, yeah. Logically, it's not smart. I should give myself time and all that. But Li, you don't understand. I've been in there so long— without him for so long. And I really like Louis. Like really like him," Harry said, biting his lip a bit out of nervousness. He hadn't shared this much with Liam in a while.

"I just... I don't know. Instinct took over and I made the first move. I just crave him, you know? Like the way you probably crave Zayn," Harry said. Liam felt his face redden at Harry's comment. "I mean, yeah. I get you mate. You've been without him for so long. Just be careful with yourself though, okay?" he replied with a slight smile.

Harry played with a bracelet on his wrist and nodded. "Yeah. I will, Li. Thanks," he said, getting up to go to his room.

"Haz, remember. Extra fluids. And you're getting an extra snack later tonight to make up for this," Liam called over to him. Harry responded with a muffled "Okay" before plopping onto his bed and drifting off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~|~~|~~|~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry awoke to the flashing screen of his phone, which had 3 unread messages from Louis.

Louis: Hey, Haz. How you feeling, love?   
Louis: Just wanted to make sure you're okay   
Louis: Sorry if I did anything to hurt or overwhelm you. Just want you happy :)

Harry looked at the messages with furrowed eyebrows. What was Louis talking about? He hadn't done any of that.

Harry: Hey, Lou. I'm well :)

Harry stared at the message and then deleted it.

Harry: Hey, Lou... I'm okay, kinda hit a rough patch today :( purged a little.   
Harry: But I'm okay. Going to have extra snacks and fluids later. Had a talk with Liam + therapy tomorrow = stable Harry  
Harry: Or at least semi stable... oh god I be rambling  
Harry: But yeah you didn't upset/overwhelm me why do ya say that, Lou?

Harry's screen instantly flashed with a new message.

Louis: Omg. I'm sorry Haz. Proud of you for working through it and telling Liam.   
Louis: let me know if you need anything, always here to help :)   
Louis: Also, nothing it's silly

Harry raised an eyebrow as he typed his response.

Harry: Thanks, Love. Feeling better already with your support <3  
Harry: hehe nothing is too silly tell Hazza   
Louis: Welcome. And fineeee  
Louis: I just wasn't sure if I shared too much about my past today   
Louis: Like about my exes and all

Harry wasn't sure how to reply. It hadn't particularly bothered him. Hearing those experiences made him feel bad for Louis... and it made Louis seem a little bit less hero-like, a little less out of his league. It made him seem more human. Because it showed him that he wasn't the only damaged one in this relationship: Louis was hurting too.

Harry: No, Love. I'm glad you shared with me. Didn't know that about you   
Harry: But i want to know everything the + and -   
Harry: All da little things   
Harry: haha but no really, Lou. I'm proud of you for opening up. We both need a little support :) and I'm here for ya

Harry bit his lip and waited for a response. Maybe that response was a bit too deep, a bit too clingy? What if Louis only wanted something casual and Harry was being way too forward and direct? Thank god Louis answered back quickly or else he would have gone crazy thinking of the possibilities.

Louis: aww hazza that's so sweet thank you   
Louis: you're really special to me :)  
Louis: see you sometime soon? Tomorrow maybe  
Harry: have doctors tomorrow but can do the weekend if you want to do a real date  
Harry: omg did I just say that. Eek   
Louis: haha would love to do a real date   
Louis: dinner?... or not... doesn't have to be food related   
Harry: dinner of course! I'll manage don't you worry. We went on a restaurant trip with the rehab group and I'll Have you know I finished a three course meal - including breadsticks   
Louis: incredible. Then it's a date? Saturday @6   
Harry: it's a date Lou :D wear ur best panties ;)   
Louis: now I'm gonna say "eek"

Harry closed his eyes, placing two hands on his settling stomach, and smiled to himself. "I'm going on a date with Louis Tomlinson," he said out loud, his raw throat burning a little as he spoke. A smile spread across his face and he got out of bed, jogging over to his closet to find something to wear on the date....


	18. Dilemmas

It was little past 8pm when Louis heard a knock on the door. Niall was with Sophie tonight, so he had called delivery for dinner and was fully expecting his steaming pad thai with peanut sauce when he answered the door. But instead of the delivery man -- who knew him a little too well after just a few months of living in the flat -- it was Liam who was standing that the door.

"Um, hey," Louis said awkwardly as he raised his eyebrows at Liam. He was doing a pretty bad job of hiding his surprise. "Hey, can we talk? Sorry to just show up... but it's about Harry," Liam said, his brown eyes connecting with Louis' blue ones. Louis was starving before, but now he was starting to feel nauseous at the thought that something might be wrong with Harry.

"Sure, is he okay?" Louis said, leading Liam inside and closing the door. He bit his lip nervously as the two boys walked to the living room. "He's okay," Liam said with a slight nod. "But... I don't know. He's still struggling and we're worried about him."

Louis nodded, folding his hands on his lap. He was so surprised by Liam showing up at his door that he had forgotten that he was wearing purple frayed pajama bottoms. "Yeah, that makes sense. So what did you want to talk about?" Louis asked, wishing Liam had at least texted first so he could change out of his lounge wear.

"Yeah. So first off, I wanted to thank you so much for recommending that treatment facility. You have no idea how much progress he made -- probably more than at any of the other centers combined," Liam began, trying to start off on a positive note before he got into the real reason he was here.

"Yeah, of course. If you ever need anything else, I'm always here. I'm glad it helped him," Louis said politely. It was obvious he didn't feel comfortable around Liam, as he was being overly courteous and cautious with his words, which was nothing like the loud mouthed personality he demonstrated in front of Niall and his coworkers.

"Thanks. But yeah, I just wanted to talk about Harry a bit. This whole transition back has been rough on him," he said tapping his leg impatiently. "I'm sure it is. Fizzy had a tough time readjusting too. Just takes time and patience. I'm sure you guys will help keep him on track," Louis said, reassuringly. He glanced over at Liam, who looked so tense and frustrated that he was afraid he might hit him if he said something wrong.

"That's the thing. We will... but I'm not sure it's such a good idea for... well for you to be involved with Harry right now. He told me you kissed... and that you were getting undressed. And normally, that kind of stuff would never concern me. But Harry is really fragile right now, and I don't want a relationship setting him back," Liam said, glaring at Louis. Louis nodded slowly, trying to process what Liam had just said to him. Both boys could be very fiesty if they wanted to be, and Louis didn't want to find out what would happen if he started to challenge Liam.

"I completely agree, Liam. Those things did happen, but I respect Harry's recovery and the minute he got uncomfortable, we stopped. The thing is, he initiated the hookup both times.... I just let him lead and followed his pace. I wasn't going to do a single thing he wasn't comfortable with," Louis said quickly. "And for the record, we're not in a relationship. We were going to go on a date. Harry asked to go on one. I'm letting him take charge here, Liam. I swear..."

Liam stood up quickly, balling his hands into fists. As Liam towered over Him, Liam started to wonder where Niall kept the baseball bat for intruders.... you know, just in case he had to whoop some businessman ass. Not that Louis had any experience with fighting. He had taken one self defense class a few years ago and spent over half of it hiding out at the water cooler while the other guys learned the moves. 

"Listen to me," Liam growled. "I don't care who started it. You need to end it. Harry can't be in a relationship right now. He was throwing up today and he said he did yesterday too. Because he felt weird about his body. Because you made him feel weird about his body."

Louis jumped up and stood next to Liam, pretending to size him up but secretly freaking out over how much taller and more muscular he was. Regardless of his size though, he wasn't scaring Louis. I'm done holding back, Louis thought. This guy's a prick.

"Alright, Mr. Payne. I think you're upset about Harry's lapse and you're looking for a scape goat here to take the blame. But here's a news flash. Harry isn't supposed to come back from rehab magically cured-- no matter how much weight he gained at the facility, no matter how much better he looks now. He's still sick in the head, Liam. And that's not your fault or Zayn's fault or my fault or even his fault. That's just how he is right now," Louis spat. "And to tell me that I gave him body image issues? That's bloody ridiculous. He had them before I even met him-- and for the record, I spend all my time telling Harry how god damn beautiful he looks and I never once made him feel 'weird about his body.' He has body dysmorphia, Liam. And if he didn't he would see that he looks like a god damn super model and I look like a piece of trash in comparison...."

Louis' face turned red at the last part, as he realized he was admitting his own insecurities to Liam. But he quickly kept going, secretly hoping Liam wouldn't notice. "If you don't think Harry should be in a relationship with me, I understand. But if your only reason that we shouldn't be together is because you think I'm impeding upon his recovery, then you're wrong. Because I'm not. And don't you think it would hurt him and break his heart more if I left now?"

Liam stared at Louis, grimacing with dark eyes. "You have some nerve, Tommo," he said as he shook his head. "Harry is my friend, my responsibility. You don't know what's best for him. You don't get to tell me what's best for him..." He prodded his index finger into Louis' chest as he spoke.

Louis jumped up and pushed Liam's hands away. "Don't put your hands on me in my home," he growled. "And for fuck's sake get over your jealousy issues. Just because you knew him longer doesn't mean you can help him better. Why do you think you know all the answers? Because you wear a suit and carry a brief case. Fuck off. Get out of my house."

"I have half a mind to--" Liam began, lunging towards him. But he was cut off by the sound of a knock on the door. Louis had never ran faster in his life, his purple pajama pants flapping as he arrived at the door and opened it. "Oh my god, Kevin. Thank god you're here," Louis called to the delivery man. "Can you just excuse me a second, my friend is on his way out, aren't you?"

Liam flashed Louis a smirk and nodded. "Yes, I'm headed out. We'll finish this conversation later. Have a lovely day," he said as he walked across the hallway, his muscular arms shaking as he tried to control his anger.


	19. Doctors

"Hey, Harry, how's it going today?" the nurse asked as she took his blood pressure. "Good," Harry murmured, standing up so she could take his height. Harry already knew the routine: vitals, blood pressure, height, weight. He never understood why they had to check his height because he was bloody 23 years old and his height clearly wasn't changing any time soon.

"Change into this and I'll be back," said the nurse, handing Harry a blue hospital gown after she recorded his height. Harry frowned at ugly, oversized gown. He was upset that he even had to be here doing this -- after months of vitals and weigh ins, he was absolutely sick of it. He just wished he could be healthy for good so he wouldn't have to come back here.

Harry removed his shirt quickly without a second thought. It was so much easier doing it when he was alone in a room with no mirrors than when he had someone next to him watching-- no one could see his body, not even him.

As he removed his pants, however, his eyes began to gravitate towards the silver paper towel dispenser and he felt a strong urge to body check. He knew he shouldn't -- they had pretty much forbid it in rehab. And since he 's been home, he's been trying to avoid mirrors. But now he just couldn't resist.

He stood in front of the metal surface and positioned his body in front of it, running his fingers over his torso which now felt soft and smooth rather than bony and rough. As soon as his eyes met his reflection, he heard a knock on the door, and instantly jumped backwards, grabbing the gown and shoving it on.

"Ready," he called, a bit too cheerfully. The nurse followed him in and motioned for him to get on the scale. Harry stepped on -- backwards, as he wasn't allowed to know his weight. He tried to look at the nurse's expression for some sort of insight, but her face was completely blank as she wrote the sacred number down on the white clipboard.

"Doctor will be with you in a bit," the nurse said, walking out of the room and closing the door. Harry removed the robe and tugged on his clothes, a black pair of jeans and a grey jumper, and then sat at the table to wait. He thought about his failed attempt to body check, and was sort of glad he hadn't done it. He was still desperately trying to come to terms with the weight gain—which he suspected was at least 30 pounds— and it was a horrible experience so far.

It was killing him inside because physically, he felt so much healthier and had much more energy to do things. His mind also felt less cloudy, less dominated by the disordered voice in his head. But he still hated his body. He hated the way his legs brushed together when he walked, the way his skinny jeans were actually skinny now and not baggy like they used to be. He hated how his jumpers fit snugly around the shoulders, and the way even after weeks of eating normally, his tummy stuck out after every meal, swollen from the bloating most recovering anorexics experience after refeeding.

"Hello, Harry," the doctor said, walking in and taking a seat across from him at the table. "I like your jumper. How are you today?" Harry smiled weakly. He knew this doctor, though he couldn't remember her name. She was rather tough, sometimes to the point that she made him cry. "I'm okay," he said quietly.

"Well, your blood pressure looks good. Vitals are great. But you're down one kilo," the doctor said with a frown. Harry internally started freaking out because this meant they would have to increase his calories. And he could hardly handle the current mealplan, let alone an increased one.

"Oh no," Harry said, trying to avoid eye contact. Part of him was genuinely happy he had managed to lose weight. "Why do you think that is, Harry?" she asked, clicking her pen. "Well, if I'm being honest, I had two purging incidents. But I followed my meal plan to the tee since I've been home. I just got really overwhelmed," he said, frowning at the floor.

"Well, thanks for admitting that. What caused you to purge?" she asked, trying to catch his eyes. "Body image has been really bad lately. I... people keep pointing out that I look so good, so much better. I know they're right, but my mine twists it around and I interpret as them calling me fatter," he replied, shyly looking into the doctor's eyes. "And I don't know. I've hardly seen myself in the mirror. And there's this guy I like... he waited for me while I was in rehab. And I want so badly to get close to him, you know physically, but I just can't handle it...."

The doctor nodded, scribbling something in her notes. "Well, you seem very introspective Harry. And that's a good thing because a lot of patients wouldn't be able to pinpoint the exact problem. So it seems like your body image is making you feel bad about yourself, maybe out of control too. And you purged with the intention of losing weight... or with the intention of numbing the pain?"

Harry shrugged. "I... I guess both. Part of me didn't think I should be eating so much -- since I'm fatter. And another part of me is just so frustrated that I just wanted to do something, anything for relief," he said, nearly crying as he admitted his deepest thoughts to the doctor. He got up to grab a tissue, thinking to himself how badly he wished he didn't have to be here in the hospital right now.

"I understand. So there's two things I'm going to recommend you try, Harry. Remember what we went over about what to do before purging? Just wait for 10 seconds and take some deep breaths. And while you're taking those breaths, think of your recovery and why you're doing this. And if you need to, call or text someone. Okay?" she said. Harry nodded. He wasn't quite sure how effective that strategy was, but he figured it was worth a try.

"The second thing I'm going to ask you to do is a bit odd. But it might help. So body image is usually the hardest thing that patients here struggle with.. because their body heals faster than their mind. And so you end up not being able to register how you actually look because of your body dsymorphia," she said slowly. "So something that might help is looking at old pictures. Ones of you before you got ill. And ask yourself what you think of that. And then if you get brave, maybe take some photos of yourself now. It might appear different to you in picture form."

Harry nodded, making a mental note to do the part about the old photos but to definitely not do the part about taking current photos. "And Harry -- one more question. How is this relationship with this new guy affecting you? You said you wanted to get physical with him.. is he pushing you into sex?"

Harry giggled a bit at such a hilarious question. "No. Not at all... It's me. I really want to, well, get with him. I'm just not ready to show him body yet -- he's totally patient though," Harry said with a smirk. "But my everyone keeps asking if I'm ready to be in a relationship right now. I think that's crazy, right? I can make my own choices."

The doctor raised an eyebrow and shrugged, a bit taken aback by the question. "Well, I think right now you should focus on surrounding yourself with supportive people. Assuming he's as patient and supportive as you've told me he is, I think it's totally fine. But recovery should always be prioritized over everything. You got that right?" she responded, shifting in her seat.

Harry nodded, hoping the session would end soon so he could go literally anywhere but here. "Yup. I understand. We all set?" he asked quickly. "If you're all set, then I am too. Use those techniques and let me know how they worked out next week. You're still on track to get cleared for work next week, as long as you make next week a better one. The nutritionist will help you up your meal plan," she responded walking away.

Harry's eyes followed her as she closed the door, leaving him alone in the cold, sterile room.

A/N: Ah, sorry if this chapter was boring. It's kinda personal as I used to have to do this literally every week when I was younger and it was the worst experience in a lot of ways. I hope this gives an inside look to what Harry's going through— he's pretty self aware which is great. And it seems like he's motivated to get better as much as he can. For me body image was always the biggest thing holding back from recovery, and that's Harry's issue too. Moving forward, Harry and Lou will be going on their date.... but I'm not sure where to take this story next... I want to do some more fast forwards to the future so we can see what Harry is like further along in his recovery. Zouis is still lurking, kinda... we haven't heard from Zayn. So maybe there's gonna be a chapter on that ;) who knows.... I hope you like it so far! Thanks for reading


	20. Date

Harry waited anxiously by the door for Louis, who always seemed to be running perpetually late to everything. He was wearing a black peacoat with a red scarf and dark denim skinny jeans, with a light blue jumper underneath and lace up boots on his feet. It was a simple enough outfit to wear, but Harry had spent nearly an hour agonizing over the perfect outfit, trying on one after another and never feeling satisfied--and certainly never feeling attractive.

Finally, after hearing all the racket, Zayn waltzed into his room and told him to calm down. "Haz," he said, gently, examining the array of jumpers and pants all over the floor. "You look great, love. What's wrong with your outfit?" Harry shrugged, embarrassed to be caught in the act of struggling with his image and looked at the floor.

"You're probably just nervous for your date," Zayn began, trying the best he could to relate to Harry. But deep down, he knew he couldn't. Sure, Zayn had felt a little insecure about his body from time to time, but never to the extent that Harry had... and never to the extent of panicking over clothes. He gave Harry a sad look, and tried to get the younger boy to look up at him instead of at the dusty corner behind his bed.

"Haz, I know it's tough, okay? I know you don't feel great right now. But trust me, if you could see what I see -- and what Liam sees and what Louis definitely sees— you'd know you look gorgeous in literally anything, love," Zayn said, touching Harry's shoulder with a firm grip. Harry looked at Zayn, studying his soft brown eyes and thoughtful smile.

"Thank you, Z. That's super sweet. I suppose you're right," Harry said with a sigh. He knelt down to start cleaning up the mess he had made, but Zayn stopped him. "Hey, I got this. Go have fun on your date, Haz. And take my red scarf -- it's lucky! It's the scarf I met in Liam in," he said with a giggle as Harry nodded and jumped towards the door, eager to get away from his closet and all the insecurities that came with it.

Now, as Harry waited, he wondered if Louis ever felt insecure about his body. He remembered he had said his exes made him feel like he wasn't good enough or attractive enough, but he wasn't sure that meant he didn't feel confident in his appearance. From the looks of it, Lou was super confident, always sporting some kind of super tight shirt or pair of skinny jeans, tussling his brown hair in ways that Harry never dared to style his. It was as though he loved attention.

Suddenly, Harry heard a knock at the door, and opened it to find Louis looking stunning in a pair of marroon skinny jeans and a silver winter coat with black converse that only enhanced the peppy, youthful glow he gave off. "Hey, Hazza. Sorry I'm late, love," Louis said, leaning in to give Harry a hug. Harry hugged him back, breathing in a bit of Louis' cologne as their torsos met -- it was strong and sporty, just the way he liked it.

"No worries, Lou. After you ran into my house in your underwear early in the morning, I've learned to live with the fact that you'll never be on time," replied Harry, coyly, a silly smile creeping across his lips. Louis stood on his tip toes and tried to kiss Harry on the forehead, completely underestimating how much taller he was than him. "Fuck," Louis said, laughing, as he missed and ended up kissing Harry's chin. Harry shook his head, his curls bouncing lightly on his shoulders, and smiled at Louis. "Forehead kisses are for you only, love. You're simply too short," he giggled, planting a smooch on Louis' head.

The two boys walked down the stairs and to the tube, shivering a bit in the winter cold as they waited for the train. "I can see my bloody breath," Louis said, laughing as he jumped up and down to keep warm as they stood under the dark green awning. "Stop jumping like a weirdo," Harry replied, watching with an exaggerated look of horror as Louis jumped to and fro on the platform.

Without thinking, Harry lunged forward and grabbed Louis in a bear hug, laughing all the while. Louis tried to squirm out his grip, but Harry was much stronger now, and he didn't let up. "Let go, Hazza," Louis said, chuckling as he strained against his biceps. "Okay, look the train is coming!"

Harry released Lou, holding him gently by the arm to make sure he didn't get too close to the moving train, and then looked into his bright blue eyes. Something about Louis just made him feel.... happy. Careless. Free. Like he could truly be himself without worrying about anything... without even worrying about his disordered thoughts.

"Haz, I really hope you like this place I picked. It's a little upscale -- it's one of those fusion restaurants. But I wasn't sure what kind of food you wanted, so I figured we'd just try a combination of a bunch," Louis said excitedly, as he took a seat next to Harry in the train car. Harry nodded excitedly, trying to think of how the old Harry would have reacted to a fusion restaurant. He would probably have been stoked -- not nervous and shaking.

"That sounds pretty cool, Lou. I've never been to a fusion place before," Harry said, stroking Louis' hair softly with his hand. "Neither have I," Louis admitted, biting his lip. "My friend recommended it to me. So if it's not good, it's on him." Louis tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach as Harry grabbed his hand, tracing small circles on it with his thumb. He really wanted this date to be perfect for Harry. Because after working so hard in rehab, he deserved something special-- and Louis wasn't sure if he could give him that something special, but he would be damned if he didn't at least try.

"Oh, we're here," Louis cried, jumping up at the Waterloo stop. Harry followed after him, his long legs quickly outpacing Louis' short ones. "Where do we go? I'm following you, babe," Harry said in a deep voice, licking his lips a bit. Damn, Louis looks hot in those skinny jeans... he thought. Mmm...

Before meeting his longtime girlfriend a few years back, Harry had been a bit of a wild rollercoaster when it came to relationships. When he felt attracted to someone, it was a feeling he couldn't shake, and he quickly began to crave their body, their scent, their skin. Back in uni, Harry was into hot, wild hookups, with either gender, letting his body do the talking as he smashed genitals with strangers, trying to ride out the wave of euphoria before he crashed the next morning. He wasn't one to text back the next day, but he certainly wasn't one to reject a second round if it went well.

Harry had of course, matured over the years, finding something more meaningful with his girlfriend Kaley, who showed him that sexual attraction was just a small part of a romantic relationship. Kaley showed him what it meant to have butterflies for someone just after a short conversation and what it felt like to be the reason for someone else's smile. Kaley was his first -- his first serious girlfriend, the first person he loved. And if he was being honest, he still loved her, but not in that way anymore... Their relationship had gotten toxic by the end, and they wanted different things, had different desires. Kaley went on to date some guy named John from Liverpool, moved in with him even. And Harry, well, he spent the past two years getting sicker and sadder until death was the only thing on his agenda.

Until he met Louis.

There were a million people in his life who told him he had to recover -- Liam, Zayn, his mum, his sister. But none of that seemed to matter until the blue-eyed boy in too-tight skinny jeans found him freaking out over a pie and told him a story about his sick sister who recovered. Louis gave something Harry he hadn't had since he got dumped by Kaley and lost his baking job: he gave him a passion, a purpose, a reason.

As the two boys manuevered through the evening foot traffic of the tube, Harry grabbed Louis' hand gently, giggling as he tried to slow down his long legs as he followed after the shorter boy. "Oh my god, Harold," Louis laughed. "What on earth are you doing?" He stopped short at the top of the stairway and jut out a hip, giving Harry a snarky smile.

"Just following you, daddy," Harry said, biting his lip in embarrassment as he realized what he had just said. "Where on earth did you learn such a term?" Louis asked, cocking an eyebrow as he pointed forward in the direction of the restaurant. The sun was beginning to set and the street lamps were coming on now, creating a soft glow around the greywashed city streets.

"Zayn," Harry said, giving Louis a silly look. "Plus it's in your articles! Runway model Jack Holden looks 'daddy' in menswear cropped suit." Louis' face reddened as he thought back to his article, which had caused a lot of controversy at the magazine -- they almost made Louis delete the article, until they saw how many views it got. Record breaking, of course, because sex sells.

"Alright, well, if anyone's daddy here, it's you Mr. Styles. You're the one with gorgeous green eyes and long legs," Louis said with a grin, looking up at Harry and half wondering how the hell he was even dating someone so beautiful... well about to date.

"Is this it?" Harry asked, pointing at the towering building next to them that said "FUSION FOOD." Louis nodded, pretending he hadn't just tried to completely overshoot the restaurant. "Yup -- this is it. You distracted me, curly," Louis replied, jogging over to the front door. "After you, love." He held the door open for Harry, sending shivers down the younger boy's spine over the adorable gesture.

"Hi, I'm Trisha and I'll be your server today," said the waitress, handing Louis and Harry each a menu. Harry tried to hide the growing anxiety in the pit of his stomach as he grabbed the thick, ten page menu with sweaty hands. Fuck.... he thought to himself. Can't I just enjoy this?

Louis looked over at Harry, carefully analyzing his tense body language. "Hey. I know it's a lot on the menu. Do you want to go somewhere else? Even I'm overwhelmed," Louis said quietly, reaching for Harry's hand across the dark wooden table. Harry looked around at the decorative waterfall and paintings that hung on the wall and shook his head. "No, Lou, this place is so perfect and romantic," he said, squeezing Louis' hand. "I can do it, I promise."

Louis nodded and began leafing through the menu, calling out things that sounded good to him. "Oh, ramen burger.. I've always wanted to try that. They also have buttered chicken tacos," Louis said, licking his lips. He periodically looked over at Harry, who had a blank expression on his face and was twirling his curls nervously.

"Haz. What do you want for dinner?" Lou asked softly. "Just name anything and they probably have it. I'll ask okay?" Harry looked at Louis and shrugged. "I don't know, usually I just have a meat with pasta or rice. Sometimes I have pizza, but I have to have milk and a salad with it... umm..."

Louis shook his head. "No, love. What do you like? What do you enjoy eating?" he questioned. Harry resisted the urge to shout: NOTHING and began to think about what he liked eating back before he got sick. "Well, um. Right now it's still hard, but I used to really like curry take away, pizza, burgers. All that stuff," Harry said, his stomach lurching at the thought of those greasy, fatty foods.

"Okay, well they have a whole section on curries. Do you want me to read them to you?" Louis asked. At this point, without asking, he had moved into Harry's side of the booth and was sitting next to him, gently stroking his arms to calm him down. "You're doing great for me babe," he whispered, kissing his head gently. "And if you want to go home at any time, just tell me. Okay?"

Harry nodded and listened carefully as Louis read out the different curry dishes, ultimately deciding upon a spinach ginger chicken curry, that sounded both healthy and delicious. It was so much easier having Louis read the dishes to him rather than having to stare at the menu, which was covered in intimidating photos of fried, unhealthy heaps of food.

"Okay, all set babe?" Louis said, checking in with Harry before he returned to his seat. In perfect timing, the waitress returned to the table with a bowl of bread, ready to take their orders. "I'll get the ramen burger," Louis said, placing his order first. Harry stared in Louis in amazement at how he could so shamelessly order such an unhealthy dish and not be embarrassed or upset.

"Um... I'll have the spinach ginger... um.. chicken curry dish," Harry said, the words barely escaping his trembling lips. "Okay, coming right up," the waitress said turning on her heel to place the order.

"I... um. Lou? Thank you so much for helping me back there. It's still a lot for me. I guess I was being overconfident over text because I was so excited, but if I'm being honest restaurants still scare me a lot... like, I don't really like people to watch me eat and order and all that," he said quietly, locking eyes with Louis who was smiling back at him. "But I want that with you. I want to be able to go out to restaurants with you and   
get hot chocolate with you and have ice cream at the beach with you when it gets hot... I, dunno, you just give me a reason to try and be better...."

Harry's voice trailed off and he looked at the floor. Maybe he had revealed too much to Louis... maybe he didn't feel the same way. But Louis was still smiling at Harry, his blue eyes wet with emotion. "I want that too, love. I really do," he replied. He leaned over the table and locked lips with Harry, giving him a soft kiss that made him feel like maybe, for once, things were going to be okay.

A/N: this was actually my favorite chapter to write out of all of them so far!!! Larry is goals. I'm so proud of Harry — and even prouder of Lou for being so supportive :) this was just too cute and sweet and I was smiling the whole time as I wrote it ahhhh. Hope y'all liked it!


	21. Perfect

"Love that new article, by the way," Harry said, sipping on his water as he made heart eyes at Louis. "25 reasons to never wear non-skinny jeans again. Who would have thought, coming from you?" Louis blushed and laughed a little, impressed by how carefully Harry was following his posts.

"Yeah, that was super last minute. Didn't have time to research, so I stuck with what I knew best. So what's up with you, Styles? Excited to get back to baking?" Louis asked, shifting the conversation to the younger boy's life. He knew Harry didn't like the attention, but he had to help him learn that he deserved to be the center of attention sometimes.

"Yeah, I'm excited. I applied to a few local bakeries, even heard back from some," Harry said as a smile spread across his pale pink lips. "I'm ready to get back at it. It's been so long... the time we baked together was the first time I've done it in over a year." Harry lowered his gaze as he admitted this to Louis.

"I'm so happy for you, Haz! That's awesome, love," Louis exclaimed, wishing he could hug him from across the table. "Maybe once you get settled I'll come do an interview with you... and you can share your baking secrets," he said, only half joking. "32 ways to use frosting seductively?" Harry said, wagging an eyebrow. "Thanks, Love, But I'll pass. I need to get the job first anyways..." he began. But he was interrupted by the waitress, who was coming towards them with two large plates.

Harry widened his eyes in horror over the massive plate of curry she set down in front of him. He looked over at Louis, who seemed perfectly content with his burger, which was big enough to feed a small family.

"Harry, relax, love. You don't have to eat all this. The portions are really big, okay?" Louis said in a soothing voice. "Miss, can we get an extra plate please?" He asked the waitress before she left.

"Look, we'll get you a new plate and we'll put only the amount you're going to eat on it, so you don't feel overwhelmed. Sound good love?" louis asked, moving back to Harry's booth and rubbing his shoulders.

"I'm... so sorry for this, Lou," he choked, feeling terribly embarrassed. "Go eat your food while you wait, it's okay." Louis shook his head. "I'll wait for you, Love. Want you comfortable, okay?" He replied, his thick thigh rubbing against Harry's lean one.

"Here's your plate," the waitress said, returning with a large white dish. Harry set it in front of himself and stared at the pile of food, unsure where to begin. "Here, babe. I'm gonna scoop out half of this. Okay?" Louis said, using his spoon to move the food from the first dish to the second. He created a cute little mound in the middle of the plate, decorating it with little drippings from the sauce to emulate the original dish.

"Thanks, Lou. That's so much better. Now, go eat," he commanded, pretending to push Louis out of the booth. Louis returned back to his booth and cut his burger in half, struggling to cut through the crunch ramen. "Oh my god, this is not a good first date food," Louis giggled, looking at how messy it was already. "I'm gonna get so messy eating this." Louis crunched on a fry and looked up at Harry, who was taking his first bite of the curry.

"This is actually quite good," Harry said, raising his eyebrows. Louis smiled and took a bite of his burger, trying his best not to let the sauces get everywhere. "Mine too! Glad you like it, Haz," he replied after he swallowed his bite.

Harry took bite after bite of his curry, too afraid to slow down as he might lose his momentum. He learned in the hospital that stopping only made things worse because once he took a break—even a short one— he wouldn't want to go back to eating. Louis was a quick eater too, and finished the first half of his burger within just a few minutes.

"Oh my god, I'm so full," Louis said, a few bites into his second half. Harry looked up at Louis, curiously, to study his facial expression. For Harry, being full was an awful, unpleasant feeling. But Louis didn't seem bothered at all— in face, he was smiling.

Harry nodded, unsure what to say and continued finishing what was on his plate. He was getting pretty full too, and didn't want to push the envelope this his already shitty body image. "Done," he said, pushing his plate away. "Did you like it?" Louis asked excitedly, head bobbing. Harry nodded. "It was really good— I'm surprised I liked it so much. Do you want a bite?" He asked, pushing his plate towards Louis. Louis nodded and took a bite of the curry, his eyes widening as he took in the flavor.

"Ah, that's so good, Haz. The flavors combine so well. Do you want some of mine?" He asked, absentmindedly. Louis was only really asking out of habit, as he knew Niall and his other friends were always begging for a bite of his food. But the look of nausea on Harry's face said otherwise. "Oh right, you don't have to," Louis mumbled, blushing a bit.

"Well, I'll try a little part of the ramen. Not the burger," Harry said, making an awkward face at Louis. Louis smiled at him encouragingly and watched as Harry inched his fork onto the ramen bun, taking off a small piece and eating it slowly.

"Reminds me of uni," he said, sticking his tongue out and giggling. Louis chuckled at the younger lad, his heart feeling light and airy upon seeing Harry so happy for once. "That it does," Louis replied. "Hey, I'm getting the rest of mine to bring home. Would you like to bring that home too? For tomorrow?" Harry looked at Louis with a confused expression, his eyebrows furrowed and a lazy frown on his lips. It had been so long since he last ate out with friends that he had forgotten the concept of a doggy bag.

"Oh, yeah. Sure," he said, remembering. Louis nodded eagerly. "Awesome. I am so damn proud of you, love. You're so incredible, Harry, you really are," he said. "And you're so beautiful."

Harry smiled at Louis, wanting desperately to believe him, wanting so desperately to feel attractive, to feel confident. But the bloating in his stomach didn't make him feel so beautiful — it just made him want to skip another meal.

"I.... thank you, Louis. Really you don't know how much all of this means to me. I mean, you met me when I was at my worst, and you still stuck around. And that means so much. Most people wouldn't have stayed," he said quietly, looking deep into Louis' sapphire eyes. "I just... honestly my body image is the biggest issue for me right now. It's just so hard to like, accept this—" He paused and motioned to his torso. "After being so tiny and so thin... I'm sure you know, from Fizzy. But when you tell me I'm beautiful, I want to believe you. And I do believe you pthink I'm beautiful. But I don't believe that I am."

His words hung in the air for a while, as Louis tried to take in what Harry had told him. It made him sad, really, to know that Harry didn't feel beautiful. But he understood why he was struggling, and knew that it would take a long time before he began to feel comfortable in his skin.

"Well, thanks for sharing that with me love. It's good to hear how you're feeling— never hesitate to tell me. I want to know the good and bad, love," he said, motioning for the waitress to wrap the two dishes as she walked over. "And that's okay if you don't believe it, but one day you will see how gorgeous and amazing you are, Harry. I promise you that."

Harry nodded, wishing that his answer was enough. But someday was too vague — he wanted it to be today or tomorrow or sometime soon. He was tired of feeling so shitty about himself, so gross and ugly all the time.

"I... Lou? Can I ask you something?" Harry asked, getting up and moving into Louis' booth. He cuddled up onto Louis, putting his face in the crook of his neck and kissing his cheek gently.

"Of course, Haz. Anything. Just don't ask me about any of my silly articles because I'm getting so embarrassed just thinking about some of them," he replied, his face growing hot.

"Okay," Harry giggled. "But Um. I was wondering, do you ever have.. or have you ever had... body image issues?" Harry instantly regretted asking the question and started to babble, trying to cover it up. "I mean I assume no, cause you're so damn attractive and you always wear tight clothes and skinny jeans and there's no reason...."

Louis smiled and put a finger to Harry's lips to stop him from talking. "Shhh. Love, give me a minute to think. Okay. The answer is definitely yes," he replied to the younger boy. Harry nodded and rubbed Louis' arm slowly.

"So yeah, I definitely do. But I don't really talk about it and I wear tight and colorful clothes so I can see why you would think no... but the truth is, I'm a little insecure about my body shape," he admitted. "I... I mean, I generally accept the way I look. I'm built to be short and stocky. So I've sort of just embraced it over time, even though it's not the ideal male body. But sometimes I get a bit embarrassed by my stomach and my thighs.... I know I'm curvy, but I've been called fat before. And I've tried to diet so many times, you know, to lose the weight. But I shouldn't be triggering you with all this..." Louis said, cutting himself off before he got deeper into the story.

Harry shook his head, sending his curls flying. "No, Lou. I wanna know," he whispered. "And you're not fat, love. Not at all. You're sexy." Harry smiled and quickly ran a hand over Louis' torso, which surprised the older boy a bit. "Haz, tone it down with the PDA, Love. You're gonna give me a hard on," Louis whispered back in astonishment. "But thanks babe. And yeah, I suppose I did struggle with disordered eating for a bit. I lost a bit of weight through unhealthy dieting, but kept putting it back on. And I figured, this is just how I'm meant to be, you know? I guess I still feel a little weird about it... I was nervous for you to see me shirtless, to be honest."

Harry looked up at Louis, completely perplexed how Louis could ever feel insecure, especially around him. "Babe, no," Harry cooed. "Really, why?" Louis shrugged, motioning for Harry to return to his seat so he could get the check. "Wait— babe, you don't have to pay," Harry interjected, trying to grab the check.

"I'm treating you, love," Louis said with a smirk, putting his card into the checkbook before Harry could intervene. "But I don't know, Hazza. You're just so perfect to me. I want to be as perfect as I can for you."

Harry nodded, his green eyes squinting a little as he thought about what Louis said. "Thanks love, for the food and all," he said slowly. "But guess what I realized, Lou? I think you're perfect and you think I'm perfect, but neither of us feel perfect ourselves. So... maybe we just need to help each other learn to love ourselves. You know, the way we are."

Louis locked eyes with Harry across the booths, smiling softly. "That's an incredible idea, Hazza," he said. "We should do exactly that."

A/N: I am giving myself the feels by writing this omg tommo you are too much Mr. 10/10 A+ 


	22. Trouble

"Hey, Li," Zayn said, looking over at his boyfriend, who was sitting on his bed reading magazines. "Sup?" Liam asked, without looking up. "Was wondering if we could talk," Zayn replied, climbing the loft and plopping down next to Liam on his bed.

"Sure, what about?" Liam said, putting down his magazine. He was trying his best to contain his anger these days, but he knew that talking with Zayn was probably going to set him off. He took a deep breath and turned to face Zayn, who was nervously playing with the sleeve of his shirt.

"So, um. Please don't get mad, Li. Please. But I, um, talked to Louis and he said that something, um, happened the other day. Where you basically came into his apartment and told him he shouldn't be romantically involved with Harry," Zayn said, trying to get the words out without choking. "And um, he said things almost got physical. And I was just wondering, what happened? Is everything okay with you, babe? You've been super closed off lately... I thought you would have told me this."

Liam looked at Zayn with dark eyes, struggling to come up with an acceptable answer. He clearly couldn't lie, because it seemed like Zayn was thoroughly convinced by Louis' story -- after all, all those things are exactly the types of things Liam had done in the past. "I, yeah, I did that. I'm really sorry for not telling you, Z," Liam said, frowning slightly. But Zayn could tell the look in his eyes wasn't genuine. He wasn't really sorry, he never was. "Thanks for apologizing Liam, but this has happened way too many times to count. You blowing up on other people -- or me. And keeping secrets. I'm really hurt, Liam," Zayn said, locking eyes with a guilty looking Liam.

"Baby," Liam said in a husky voice. "I said I'm sorry. I'll stop, I promise. I'm going to therapy -- I've gotten better." He tried to put his hand around Zayn's waist, but Zayn jerked out of his grasp. "I'm getting really sick of you being sorry, Liam. Can't you just fix it?" he snapped. "And yeah, you have gotten better... and you've been better until Harry got back. Don't you think that he might be your problem? All of your anger is revolving around Harry-- you trying to meddle in Harry's life, Harry's recovery, Harry's relationships. We all care about Harry, Li. We all want him better-- but you're taking things too far. He can date who he wants--he's 23."

Liam felt his blood boiling and tried to shove his coiled fists under the blankets to keep Zayn from seeing how angry he truly was. "He isn't stable enough to be in relationship," he growled. "Well did you ever think maybe you aren't either?" Zayn snapped back, jumping off the bed and walking towards the door. Liam stared at Zayn, completely shattered, a sorrowful tear forming in his right eye. The tension in his fists released and he stared over at Zayn, who's hands were shaking as he grabbed at the doorknob.

"I.. If that's really what you think, Zayn," he said quietly, not sure how to handle this situation. Zayn shook his head, his dark hair shimmering. "I... I just need my space for a while, honestly, Liam. I don't know what I think anymore."

He exited the room, closing the door behind him and leaving Liam shaking on his bed, screaming bloody murder into a pillow.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"Oh my god, this was so much fun, Louis," Harry giggled as the two boys made their way down the corridor where both their flats met. "I almost wish it didn't have to end." Louis raised an eyebrow. "Well it doesn't, Mr. Styles," he said, eyeing the door to his flat. "Ni is at Sophie's. We can have a pajama party. You know, just you and me cuddling. You can even sleep over. No sexy stuff tonight, just watching movies and spending time together."

Harry's face lit up at the thought of it, his green eyes gleaming. "Yeah, I'd love that, Lou," he said excitedly. "I just have to get my pajamas." He started to walk into his flat, but Louis caught him by the hand. "You can borrow a pair of mine, if you want love. And change in the bathroom. Or go get yours. Whatever makes you comfortable."

"I think I'll just go change into my own," Harry said quickly, too nervous to get undressed at Louis' place after the last encounter -- even if he would just be alone in the bathroom. He unlocked his flat and jogged into his room, closing the door quickly behind him. It was pretty quiet, and most of the lights were off so he assumed that Liam and Zayn were out on a date or something.

Harry smiled when he saw that the pile of jumpers and jeans were all put away, folded neatly in his drawer. Zayn was so thoughtful. Harry grabbed a pair of black and gray striped pajama bottoms, a fresh pair of boxers and a black thermal, all of which were relatively loose on him, and began to undress quickly, trying to avoid looking at his body as much as possible. As he tugged on the pajamas, he bit his lip, wondering if they were too tight, and decided to pull on a hoodie over the thermal just in case.

Then he sasheed out of the room, closing the door gently. As he began to leave the flat, he turned around, noticing Liam's light was on. "Li?" he called. A muffled response sounded the room and Harry walked in to find Liam at his desk, furiously typing something on his laptop. "Is... is everything alright, Liam? Where's Zayn, love?" Harry asked with a worried expression on his face. 

"I'm fine, just have a work report," Liam assured him without looking up. "Zayn went to get some pints of ice cream or something. You home for the night?" Harry shook his head and smirked a bit. "No, actually, I'm spending the night at Lou's. We're having a pajama party. And I know what you're thinking -- but there will be no sex. I assure you that," he replied, pointing to his oversized hoodie.

Liam looked up at Harry with bloodshot eyes and sighed slightly. "Okay, Haz. Let me know if you need anything. And come back for breakfast, okay? Or if you eat there, tell Louis to check in with Zayn," Liam said distractedly. "I.. um. Have to go see my parents this weekend. Last minute thing..."

Harry raised an eyebrow, suspicious of Liam's behavior. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. "You alright, Li?" Harry asked, walking over and stroking his back slightly. He felt Liam's back muscles tense as he touched him. "I'm fine, Hazza. Just really stressed with work. But don't worry about me, love. I just want you happy," Liam replied, planting a kiss of Harry's forehead. Harry nodded and gave Liam a quick hug before darting off to join Louis for their PJ night.


	23. Confessions

"Mmm, so cozy," Harry cooed. He was cuddled up with Louis on the couch, watching a cheesy romantic comedy movie as the two boys snuggled closely under a wool blanket. "Yes, very cozy. You comfy like this, love?" Louis asked with a soft smile. Louis was positioned behind Harry as the big spoon, hugging Harry tightly against his chest as he stroked his long hair. Louis felt warm and strong against Harry's back and he tried his best to control his excited breathing.

"Yea, I like little spoon," Harry lied, knowing quite well that he preferred big spoon, but was too anxious about his torso being all pressed up against Louis' back. But Harry didn't really mind at this point, because he truly was comfortable and absorbed in Louis' embrace. "Okay, let me know if you want to change or if I do something that makes you uncomfy," Lou cooed as he continued to stroke Harry's long locks.

About twenty minutes later, towards the end of the movie, Harry started to drift off to sleep, his face softening around the eyes and his lips parting slightly. Lou watched Harry's still, angelic face as his chest slowly rose and fell. Lying there in his arms, Harry was just so beautiful... so peaceful.

Louis didn't want to wake him, so he waited until the movie had ended and then slowly got up, creeping around the side of couch and covering Harry up with the blanket. Upon feeling the blanket touch his skin, Harry lurched up off the couch in a panic, looking wildly around the room.

"What... what happened?" He said hoarsely. "Shhhhh. You fell asleep during the movie," Louis said, sitting down on the couch and rubbing Harry's arms up and down. "You're okay Hazza." Harry nodded and then sat upright on the couch next to Louis.

"What's wrong, Love? Do you want to go home?" Louis asked, looking at the worried expression on Harry's face. "No," Harry replied, shaking his head. He took Louis' hand and stroked it softly, trying to take in his surroundings. "I just was wondering if I could sleep with you. In your bed," Harry proposed innocently.

"Of course you can, babe," Louis replied, kissing Harry gently on the forehead. He grabbed Harry's soft hand and led him to the bedroom. "Get comfy and then I'll join you, love," Louis instructed, allowing the younger boy to climb into bed first. Harry nodded and jumped in, sprawling out on the king sized bed and then rolling towards the right side.

Louis joined him on the left side, his arms still at his sides as he contemplated cuddling Harry. "Haz?" He asked quietly, as Harry settled his head onto the pillow and began to close his eyes. "Can I hold you?" Harry nodded, sleepily, and rolled towards Lou, allowing him to grab his waist with gentle hands. Harry was surprised to find that he didn't feel anxious from Louis' touch, but soothed and comfortable.

"Mm, Lou. That feels good," Harry murmured, nestling his head into the crook of Louis' neck. Louis stroked his hair, smiling as he felt himself drift off to sleep alongside Harry.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Harry woke up to the sound of his stomach grumbling. In rehab, he had eaten breakfast each day at 8am— and now it was 10am. This had been happening a lot lately when he tried to sleep in, as his body was programmed to eat at the same time. He groaned and rolled over, hoping he wouldn't wake up Louis.

"Harry?" Louis whispered, opening his bright blue eyes. Harry looked up to find Louis staring back at him from across the bed — shirtless. He started to get up, rubbing the stubble on his face gently, and then realized his shirt was off, as were his pajama pants. "Harold did you undress me in my sleep?" He asked in horror, jumping up to look for his clothes.

Harry shook his head and giggled, wrapping himself into the cream sheets as he studied Louis' muscular body. "I think you probably got too hot and took them off in your sleep. But Maybe you don't have to get dressed," Harry said, raising an eyebrow. Louis laughed and flashed a smile at Harry, who looked like a caccooning caterpillar under the covers.

"Alright? Why though?" He asked, an uncomfortable feeling filling his stomach. Harry, still bundled, got up and moved towards Louis, motioning for him to lay back down. Then, in one swift motion, he threw off the covers and climbed next to Louis, covering his exposed torso with kisses. "You're so beautiful, Lou," he cooed, working his way from his collarbone down to the little trail of hairs under his belly button. Louis let out soft moans in response, his back arching as Harry coated him in soft, sensual kisses.

When Harry slid a hand into Louis' boxers, Louis removed it quickly. "I'm sorry love, but I don't want you to please me until we're both able to please each other equally. Okay?" Louis said, though part of him really wanted to allow it. Harry nodded, frowning at the floor. "Just not sure I'll ever be ready for you to touch me," Harry said slowly.

"Well, I Can try and help," Louis said slowly, nervous he might be overstepping. "How?" Harry asked, furrowing his brow. "Well What parts of you do you not want me to see?" Louis questioned.

"Um... my tummy, my thighs, my hips. Basically my whole middle and my legs," Harry said, shrugging as though he was unsure, even though he was 100% certain.

"Okay, so just try something. Try touching me in those places," Louis said, taking a deep breath as Harry began to gently rub his lower torso, slinking his way down to his waist and then his legs. Louis, feeling 20% insecure and 80% turned on, looked up at Harry with shining eyes.

"How did I feel?" louis asked quietly. "Mmm," Harry said, parting his lips. "So good. You're legs are hard and muscular, and you're soft and smooth around the middle. So sexy. Gets me hot." Louis felt himself blush. No one had ever described him as sexy before... at least not in a long while.

"Thank you love. Now touch yourself in those places and tell me what you feel. Only if you want to of course," he said slowly, hoping this exercise would work. Harry carefully pulled the blanket over himself so Lou couldn't see as he stroked his body with a trembling hand.

"I... um. I feel hard, mostly. Not bony anymore, but not soft," he said as his hand ran over the sharp edges of his hips and his lean thighs. Louis nodded. "Yes, Love. You're still very thin. You have hardly any softness, that's why you need to gain a bit more," Louis said quietly, wishing he could just show Harry what he looked like through his eyes, even it were just for a few seconds.

"I... yeah. I guess you're right. We feel different. But I think you're sexy even though you're softer than me.... but I still don't feel sexy. Even though logically I can feel the thinness," Harry said, a look of confusion spreading across his face. Louis shrugged. "But at least you recognize that now. You just have to train your mind into believing it," Louis said, planting a kiss on Harry's forehead. "There's no rush babe."

Harry nodded slowly. But this wasn't enough for him... and he knew it probably wasn't enough for Lou. "Lou, I'm so tired of this, though. I want to just try now to be comfortable," he whined. Louis raised an eyebrow. "Babe, I'm not gonna push you," he said quietly, resisting the urge to undress Harry and make love to him on the spot.

Harry took off his thermal under the covers, immersing himself like a deep sea dive and then shooting back up, shirtless. Louis bit his lip to suppress a low moan as he saw Harry's collar bones emerge from the blankets, followed by his hard chest and his chiseled stomach. "Darling, you look amazing," he whispered, maintaining his distance.

Harry jumped up and walked to the bathroom quickly, shouting a soft "thank you" over his shoulder. Louis nodded and slowly followed after Harry, watching his curls bounce along his shoulders.

He watched carefully as Harry stood in the bathroom mirror, inspecting his torso, and pulling at pieces of skin with his long fingers. He took a step backwards to do the same with his legs, but Louis ran over to him, using his arms to prevent him for body checking further.

"Harry, please stop. I'm sorry I pushed you too far, Love," he said. He had been holding Harry's shirt, and now he handed it to him to put back on. Harry's eyes filled with tears and he shook his head, throwing the shirt to the floor and burying his head into Louis' shoulder.

"I'm sorry I can't do this for you," he whimpered. "Can't be this for you." Louis took a step backwards, gently cradling Harry's sharp jaw in his hands. "Look at me love," he said, peering into his deep blue eyes. "I'm not going anywhere. This is going to take a while. And I'm completely okay with that. Alright, honey?"

Harry nodded, trying to wipe his tears away as he hugged Louis. Then, he whispered something softly into the older boy's ear, causing Louis' eyes to widen and his hands to shake. "Lou," Harry breathed, squeezing his shoulders tightly. "I think I love you."


	24. Reacting

Oh. My. God. Louis stared at Harry in disbelief after he said those three words, his blue eyes wide as saucers while he tried to digest the feelings Harry had just expressed to him. Aside from Niall and his family members, no one had ever told him he loved him before...

"I...wow," Louis stuttered, his face flushing red as his temperature began to rise. "Oh my god." Harry looked back at him, Mildly terrified by the confession that had just escaped his lips. "Fuck," Harry breathed, wringing his hands quickly. "Too soon."

Louis shook his head, his bed hair flopping into his eyes. "No, Haz," he said, walking towards the younger boy who had escaped Louis' embrace and was cowering near the door. "I am so psyched... no one has ever told me that before... like oh my god..."

Harry smiled at Louis, but felt his heart sink and his stomach begin to bubble with anxiety. He was wondering how Louis felt— if what he had told him was just a pathetic ego boost or if he actually had the same feelings.

"What? Why are you upset?" Louis asked. grabbing Harry gently by the arm, preventing him from exiting the bathroom. Suddenly, as Harry looked at the floor nervously with a nauseous expression on his face, it hit Louis: Harry wanted him to say it back. Louis suddenly began to feel extremely strung out, his head whirling as he thought about how fast this relationship had gone— they had hardly been on two dates and the emotions were already at an all time high.

"I..." Louis began. He felt his heart racing and tears forming in his eyes. He had never felt this intensely about anyone before... he had never even said the L word. And as a hopeless romantic, who was all too often more hopeless than romantic, Louis found himself wishing the moment was more perfect— in some sort of flower filled park or at a fancy restaurant rather than in his bathroom, which he probably hadn't cleaned in a month.

But as he looked at Harry's worried face and baggy hoodie that covered his beautiful body, he realized that this relationship wasn't perfect— it never was and it never would be. But it was special. Harry was special. Special, daring, beautiful, and strong— even if he couldn't see it yet. And that's why Louis loved him.

"I love you too, Harry Styles," he said, grabbing Harry forcefully by the face and kissing him passionately. Harry pulled away from the kiss, laughing. It felt like the weight of a million Weight lifters has magically disappeared from his shoulders. "Oh thank god," he gasped. "I felt like— it was just too soon. But we've already been through so much, and you're so good to me. So understanding, so sweet. I've never felt more in love...."

Louis nodded, beaming as he took Harry's hand and led him back to the bed. "I feel the same way, Hazza. You just get me... you get my weird ass articles and sense of humor and my obsession with skinny jeans. You know how to make me feel sexy...." Louis said, wiping another tear as he let the sappiness pour out of his mouth like fresh honey. Harry nodded. "You are so daddy," he whispered with a wink, wrapping an arm around Louis' waist.

Louis felt a warm feeling in his crotch. He loved when guys grabbed him by the waist. "Stop it with that word you crazy lad," he giggled, melting into Harry's tight embrace. "Mmm, need you," Harry whispered tracing circles on Louis' torso with his index finger. Louis was still shirtless after all this time, and he felt his body squirm with pleasure under Harry's touch.

Louis moved forward, wrapping his legs around Harry's and kissing him passionately, letting his tongue explore Harry's mouth as he weaved it in and out. Harry bit louis' lower lip and grabbed his jaw, gyrating his hips against Lou's and softly moaning into his mouth. "Fuck...." Louis whimpered. "Haz, you're getting me hot....."

"I'm so hard," Harry said, practically preening. He felt Louis cup his balls through the Pajama pants and he let out a soft moan. Lou watched in pleasure as he saw Harry tremble at the slight touch. "Hey, Lou, can you um... slide your hand in," he whispered, to Lou, who quickly nodded and tugged at the elastic band in Harry's boxers until he was able to firmly grip his dick.

Then, he began sliding his hand up and down with a firm grip as he continued to Kiss Harry passionately. "Fuck..." Harry said, ripping off his hoodie. He rolled up the sleeves of his thermal, wanting more than anything to press his skin against Louis'. "Lou, babe. You're so good at this," he said, as Louis switched around with speed and grip, causing Harry to let out soft little groans.

"Mmm, glad you like it babe," Louis said with a sexy smile. A few minutes later, Harry closed his eyes and let out a chortled yell. "Fuck, I'm coming, babe," he choked. Louis kept his grip on Harry's dick, swiftly sliding down and catching the warm white liquid in his mouth, licking his dick clean with his soft tongue.

Harry looked down at him, mindblown.

"Oh my god," he said, his face twisted in both horror and pleasure. Louis licked his lips seductively. "Care for a kiss?" He joked.

Harry laughed and pushed him away playfully, but then crawled back over to him, resting on his tummy while Louis rubbed his back. "Give me a second and I'll show you what I can do for you, Mr. Tomlinson," he said, raising an eyebrow. Louis giggled, stroking Harry's shoulder blades. Then Harry got up and lunged towards Louis, pulling down his boxers and firmly gripping his dick until the same sensual moans escaped from the older boy's lips.


	25. Support

"Hey, Liam?" Zayn called, walking into the empty apartment. Harry had texted him that he was spending them morning over at Louis' and Niall's, so he wasn't expecting him to be home. But Liam hadn't told him he was going out somewhere. Usually on Saturday mornings, he preferred to stay in and make a traditional English breakfast or American pancakes, depending on his mood. He called it 'brunching on a budget.'

"Li?" Zayn called, opening the door to his boyfriend's room. The room was empty, and when Zayn looked closer, the majority of his stuff was gone too... nearly all his drawers were empty, and his desk, which was normally neat and organized with multicolored post it notes, files and alarm clock, was completely bare except for a tiny pink piece of paper in the middle of it. Zayn picked it up and tried to decipher the tiny, cursive handwriting.

I can tell when I'm not wanted. Leaving. Please take care of Harry. -Liam

Zayn felt himself start to get dizzy with fear and anxiety as he read the note, grabbing on to Liam's desk to steady himself. When he had told Liam he needed time to think, he didn't mean that he should move out. It had been pretty harsh what he said to him, about his stability and all. But he didn't mean it -- at least not entirely. Liam had to know that right?

Hands shaking, Zayn hopped up onto Liam's bed and gave his cell phone a ring. It went right to Liam's business voicemail in which he said: "Hi, you've reached Liam Payne of Klein Associates. Please leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you at my earliest convenience." Zayn shook his head and tried again... and again. Still no answer. He tossed his phone down on the bed and plopped down next to it, his stomach churning. Liam could be extremely destructive when he was upset, and he didn't want to think about what he might be doing right now.

Zayn turned onto his stomach, his face landing on Liam's pillow. It smelled like him, a mixture deep cologne and hand sanitizer. Fuck, Zayn thought. What have I done?

Just as he felt he was about to start crying, he picked up his phone again with a strong desire to talk to someone. Not Harry -- he had enough to deal with. But Niall... Niall had to be around. And he was so cheery and positive all the time. He could handle this.

"Hello?" Niall said in a muffled tone upon answering the phone. "Hey, Niall," Zayn said quietly. "Sorry to call you randomly. But I kind of need to talk about something important."

"Is it about Harry? He okay?" Niall asked, his voice becoming more clear. "Sorry, love. I have to take this, Soph." Zayn felt a pang of jealousy at Niall's relationship with his girlfriend... he and Liam were anything but in love right now. Christ, he didn't even know where Liam was.

"Um, no. Harry's fine. He's with Lou, actually. I just... I thought you were home. Sorry to interrupt your time with your girlfriend," he stammered, fully intending to end the conversation and leave Niall to hang with his girl. But the feelings came flooding in, hitting him like a truck, and he clutched his stomach on the bed, unable to contain his emotions. "It's just.... Liam and I got into this huge fight, and he left. And I don't think he's coming back. He left me a note saying to take care of Harry... and honestly, I don't know if I can even take care of myself right now... and he won't answer his calls..." he blurted out, tears streaming down his cheeks.

"Hey," Niall said softly. "Hey, mate. I'll be right over. Alright? It's gonna be okay, lad." Zayn nodded, forgetting that Niall couldn't see him and then clicked the phone off, balling his knees up to his chin and moaning softly.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
"Zayn?" Niall called, knocking on the door. He waited a few seconds, but there was no answer, so he texted Zayn: "here @ door." A few seconds later, Zayn appeared at the door, ruddy eyed with a red nose.

"Sorry to keep you waiting. I was listening to music. Helps," he said softly. He led Niall into the living room and Niall took a seat in Harry's usual spot, crossing his legs as he studied Zayn.

"So let's talk. How you holding up?" Niall said, his thick Irish accent causing Zayn to feel a teeny bit less sad. Zayn took a seat next to Niall, feeling a bit embarrassed about how vulnerable he was being. Niall was a tough guy, and he didn't want to come off as an emotional wreck. He took a deep breath and tried to compose himself.

"I'm okay. I just.. I feel so abandoned. So betrayed. But I guess it's my fault. I told him he was too mentally unstable to be in a relationship," zayn admitted, putting his face in his hands. Niall put a strong hand on his back, patting it lightly. "It's okay, Zayn. That's really rough, if I'm being honest. But I'm sure you didn't mean that," he said reassuringly, his blue eyes connecting with Zayn's brown ones.

Zayn shot Niall a guilty look. "Well...." he said. "I did a little bit. He's been so damn touchy lately. He's always angry and he's been meddling in Harry's life— you heard what he did to Louis right? It's unacceptable. And he didn't tell me about any of it. He keeps on keeping secrets. And I'm so tired of it." Niall looked at Zayn with wide eyes. "Sounds like this has been going on for a while, yeah?" He said softly. "And yeah I heard he freaked on Louis. Good thing nothing serious happened..."

Zayn nodded. "He has anger issues. But that's not an excuse. He was going to therapy and it got so much better until Harry came home... I think Harry is a trigger for him. The bloke just makes him crazy," Zayn said, his tongue thick with envy. "I mean we all care about Harry and want to take care of him. But Liam turns it into a competition. It's like he wants to help him the most.... but Harry isn't his. Harry's his own person. Sometimes I feel like there's not enough room in his heart for both me and Harry...."

Niall nodded, running a hand through his chestnut hair. "Yeah, I agree. The level of attachment Liam has to Harry looks unhealthy," Niall admitted. "Zayn, listen. I think this break is gonna be valuable for you. Because based on what you've told me, you and Liam haven't been in a great place in a long time. Your needs are important too— not just Harry's. I think you should reflect and see if Liam has really been treating you right. Don't get too down, lad. He left, but it's not your fault. He hasn't been himself — anything could have drove him over the edge."

Zayn looked at Niall in awe, surprised that such a deep conversation came out of such a carefree guy. "Yeah... I think I'll do that, Ni," Zayn said, putting a hand on Niall's strong back. "You're right. He hasn't treated me right. I just hope he's coming back..."

Niall nodded understandingly. "He will mate. Trust me he will," he said with a smile. Zayn nodded, hoping he could trust the peppy boy next to him. For the most part, he felt he could, but there was still one more fear lingering in the back of his head. And it had nothing to do with Liam.

"Niall. There's one more thing though. And it's awful to admit," he said softly, looking into Niall's deep blue eyes. "It's Harry. I — I can't take care of him on my own. I'm awful at it. When I'm alone with him, I usually break down and let him get away with eating less just because he whines. Liam always keeps me grounded and strict with the rules. I don't want him getting worse..."

Niall shook his head quickly. "Don't think that'll be a problem, mate. Louis will help you," he said with a grin. "They're hitting it off great. It's so sweet. Don't tell Harry I told you this, but Louis told me he got him to go to a fusion restaurant and he ate his whole meal. Purge free."

Zayn's face lit up, a smile spreading across his soft lips. "That's incredible. He hasn't been to a restaurant with friends in years," zayn gushed. "Oh my god, thank the lord Louis is helping him. Thank you, Niall. You're so helpful too. I swear, my life has been falling apart lately."

"No problem, mate," Niall replied, standing up. "So what do you say we get some brunch? I'm starving and the Love birds are still canoodling at my place or else I would cook you one of those American wonders. What do they call them? Omelettes. The things you can do with eggs..."

Zayn smiled, getting up and jogging after Niall. "Sounds like a plan, mate. Let's go," he said, locking the door and leaving behind the memories of his dying relationship behind in the empty flat.


	26. Breakfast

"Okay, Hazza," Louis said softly, sitting up in bed with messy hair. "I think we've both worked up an appetite, don't you?" Harry nodded nervously, swallowing as he thought of his next meal. He had already eaten so much last night at the restaurant and all he wanted to do was restrict his calories. But he knew Louis wouldn't have that. Plus, he needed to maintain his weight this week so he could start working. It was for these two reasons that he followed Louis into the kitchen with sleepy eyes, twirling his hair lazily.

"Pancakes? Eggs? Yogurt? What do you fancy?" Louis asked, opening the fridge. Harry stared in horror at containers of half eaten takeaway pizza and Chinese, trying desperately to focus on the task at hand. "Up to you, babe," Harry said weakly. Louis furrowed his brow and put his hands on his hips. He had changed into a pair of joggers with a light blue long sleeved shirt and was looking at Harry with soft eyes and pouty lips— which, If harry was being honest, he found sexy as fuck. 

"Babe, I can tell you're uncomfortable. What's wrong? You don't have to bottle it up and pretend you're fine for me. That's just gonna make it worse," Louis said, watching as Harry looked back at him with guilty eyes. "You're right, Lou. I'm not being totally open about how I feel right now about breakfast. But if I told you every thought I had about food, we would be here all day. It's too much," Harry admitted, taking a seat at the mahogany table and putting his head in his hands.

"Well lucky for you I have all day, Mr. Styles," Louis said with a tiny smirk. "Tell me what's on your mind babe. I'll try to help you the best I can. No secrets, okay?" Louis poured Harry a cup of English breakfast tea and he drank it, holding the powder blue cup with his long, lanky fingers. Then he nodded, rubbing his hands through his long curls, which he realized he hadn't brushed since before the date.

"Fine," he muttered, patting at the chair next to him and motioning for Louis to sit. "So I just feel a bit guilty after that big meal last night. I want to restrict. But I know I shouldn't." Louis nodded understandingly, as restricting was something that Fizzy commonly struggled with, though she never voiced it openly.

"Well, I understand love. I know restaurant food makes you uncomfortable. But if we look back, you only had half of the portion and it covered all of the nutrients - carbs, fats, and protein. Plus you had veggies. It was a balanced meal love. And even if it wasn't, you deserve to enjoy yourself and have treats and things. You know that right?" Louis explained, breaking down the situation into small dissectible parts that wouldn't overwhelm Harry.

Harry looked at him in bewilderment. It seemed so simple the way Louis was putting it, and suddenly he felt a feeling that he hadn't felt in a long time: he felt like he had permission to eat. Because even though the voice in his head was screaming that he shouldn't eat and that he was too greedy, Louis was telling him he deserved to eat. And that's all that really mattered right now.

"That's... thank you love. That really helps, truly," Harry said looking up at Louis with wet eyes. "I usually don't feel like I deserve that if I'm being honest." Louis stood up and wrapped Harry in a warm hug, rubbing his collar bone gently. "Well you should know that you do. Always. So what do you like for breakfast usually? Or what did you used to?"

Harry raised an eyebrow, a tiny smile spreading across his lips. "Can we make something together?" He asked. Louis nodded, excited that the younger boy wanted to cook with him again. "Alright. I'll get the baby powder," Louis joked, leading Harry to the counter. "Don't you dare," Harry giggled. "Wanna make English breakfast? My mum used to make it so I sort of remember."

Louis nodded. "Sure, but I don't fuck with those beans. Never have," he said with a trite laugh. "But then it's not authentic," Harry whined, grabbing Louis' waist and hugging him from behind. "Fine, we'll make the beans, Harold," Louis replied. "But it's on you if I have trouble in the bathroom later..." Both boys burst out laughing at that comment— even Louis was shocked by how open he was being with Harry. This was a bit too much information....

Louis and Harry began taking the ingredients out of the fridge, first the eggs, then the tomatoes and sausage and beans. "I'll make the toast!" Louis called over his shoulder as he grabbed the bread. Harry rolled his eyes. "Knowing you, you might even mess that up— as simple as it is," he teased. "Would not. I'll make it a perfect dark black shade," he giggled.

"My mum used to make this for my sister and I every Sunday," Harry said, cracking the egg carefully into the skillet, his thin wrist twirling. "It was my favorite. But I always hated those bloody tomatoes. They're just too squishy." Louis smiled, rubbing Harry's back, happy that Harry was opening up about his childhood more.

"That's hilarious. Not a big tomato fan myself. I just eat them cause I'm too lazy to pick them out," he admitted. "My mum used to make American pancakes every weekend. I'm pretty much sick of them now." Harry laughed, grabbing a spatula from the drawer to remove the eggs.

"But pancakes are amazing. The americans know how to make dessert into breakfast," he laughed, his heart lightening as he conversed with Louis. "Have you ever been to America?" Louis inquired, trying to find out as much about Harry as he could. Their emotions ran deep— they had already told each other they loved each other, and confessed so many personal feelings to each other— but there was still so much he didn't know about Harry and his life before his eating disorder. It was like working backwards, uncovering the beautiful masterpiece that was his boyfriend after diving into love at first sight. 

"No. I wish," Harry said, moving on to the beans. "Always wanted to go to New York." Louis tried not to wrinkle his nose at the beans, but Harry caught him in the act. "Knock it off, you wanker," Harry laughed. Louis shrugged and turned his back to the counter, resting on it with his outturned hands.

"We'll go one day. To New York," Louis said with a soft smile. "It's beautiful. Just like you." Harry blushed, grabbing the skillet and shaking it a bit. "Aw, thanks. You can write an article about 25 reasonsPidgeon poop reminds you of me," Harry said snarkily.

"Or 25 ways your beautiful smile reminds me of the New York City Skyline," Louis said, planting a kiss on Harry's lips. "Love you." Harry's face lit up as Louis told him again, just in case he forgot. "Love you too, babe," Harry said, cuddling onto Louis' chest.

Suddenly, the beans began to hiss on the stove and he jumped back. "Beans more important than your boyfriend, huh?" Louis quipped jokingly. His face turned red at the word "boyfriend," as he wasn't even sure that's what Harry was — or if that's what he wanted.

"Boyfriend?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow. "Wow, Louis. I don't know.... that's sort of a lot to process...." he leaned over the counter pretending to look upset. Louis stared at him in terror, mentally cursing himself for being so impulsive.

"Relax, Lou. I'm kidding. I would love to be your boyfriend if that's what your asking," Harry said sweetly, causing Louis to fold his arms and pout in the corner. "To be honest... you're the first guy I've dated. Like I slept with a few in uni. But I only had one serious girlfriend before this.... oh shit. You know I'm bi right?"

Lou looked at him with a sexy smile. "Doesn't matter to me love. Yeah I picked up bi vibes. I'm only into guys," Lou admitted. "Though I got with a lesbian in uni... wild ride..."

Harry hit him playfully and then spun around to begin plating the finished food. "Same," Harry said biting his lip. Louis hit him back. "Harold.... oh my god," Louis scolded. He grabbed his boyfriends shoulders and massaged them lightly as he created a neat, aesthetic plate, with all of the food arranged in a perfect circles.

"That looks so good, Haz," Louis cooed into his ear, sending a tingling sensation down Harry's back. "Thanks love," Harry said. "All were missing is the toast that you're burning." Louis jumped up and ran to the toaster, which sure enough, was turning a woody shade of brown as they spoke.

"Fuck. Hope you like it crunchy," Louis joked, truthfully a bit embarrassed that he couldn't keep up with Harry's cooking skills. Harry set the plates down on the table, getting an extra plate for the toast that they were to share.

Harry's stomach flipped a little when he realized he was going have to eat all this food. He has enjoyed making it and creating it, but having it fill his stomach was a completely different feeling — and one that he didn't want to experience. "Umm... I may have made too much," Harry said, staring at the mound of food on each plate.

"It really isn't that much, babe. I can finish this. Try your best to, okay? You don't have to finish it all. We can take a little off if you want," Louis said with a smile. Harry nodded, tucking his hair behind his ears as he sat down to eat. "Alright Lou. I'll try," he said with a small smile. "I'll try for you."


	27. Chaos

Zayn barely made it out of bed for work on Monday morning, as Liam was always the responsible one who set an alarm -- or three -- set out their suits, and made breakfast. Zayn's morning routine usually consisted of putting on his clothes, brushing his teeth and trying to make it to the door without stumbling.

Now, left to his own devices, Zayn was struggling to put on his suit, and ended up leaving the house with his tie undone. He told himself he was mad at Liam for abandoning him and that this morning's inconvenience was all his fault -- everything was his fault for being so damn touchy and immature. But in reality, Zayn couldn't help but feel blame boiling in his stomach. He couldn't help but feel guilty for the hurtful words he had flung.

When Zayn entered his office a half hour later, after a tube ride delay and minor incident with his tie, he fully expected Liam to already be at his desk, in a clean-pressed suit and tie, starting a fresh case report. It was already 9:23 -- that's how late Zayn was. But when he looked around, Liam was nowhere to be found. "Hey, um, Chris. Where's Liam today?" he asked his associate quietly as he opened his briefcase.

"He said he's pretty sick. Probably won't be back in for a few days. Wouldn't you know that, Malik? He's your roommate, right?" Chris asked, raising an eyebrow. Zayn shook his head as nauseau wracked his entire body, causing him to shake slightly. "I--yeah. He was. Moved out recently," Zayn stammered. Then he tossed his suitcase onto his desk with a clammer and ran to the bathroom, leaving his coworker both baffled and amused.

Zayn rarely got panic attacks. In fact, his last one had been 6 months ago at an amusement park when he got overwhelmed by the sheer number of people and blatant lack of breathable air at the indoor log flume ride. But now, as he stood over the porcelain sink in the men's room, he felt completely out of control. He was struggling to breathe, his chest rising and falling at an unsteady pace and his heart was racing as if he had just run from London to Doncaster.

Zayn felt his vision begin to get blurry and he lurched forward over the sink, vomiting violently. "Fuck," he bellowed into the sink. He watched a nasty orange substance splatter onto the porcelain and quickly washed it down with a shaky hand before falling to the ground.

Zayn sat in the bathroom under the sink, with his back against the granite wall clutching his stomach and wishing he could fucking feel something--anything--but panicked. Panicked about Liam--where he might be, what he might be doing, if he was even okay. Liam never missed day of work since he started working here. He had come in with the flu a few months ago and worked from dawn until dusk with a blanket over him and tissues by his side just because he had a report to finish. If Liam was ditching work now -- in the midst of report season -- it probably meant something extremely horrible had happened.

"Hungover much?" a voice laughed. Zayn saw a black pair of men's shoes on the floor next to him, and looked up to find a coworker standing over him with a sneaky smile. Zayn mustered up the strength to uncurl himself and crawl out from underneath the sink, readjusting his collar quickly after he stood up. Then he proceeded to wash his face, rinsing his mouth a little. "Stomach bug," he said with a shrug, heading out and leaving his coworker to wash his hands in the sour smelling restroom.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Rain showered down softly from the sky, cooling his skin which had felt hot for way too long. Rolling over, Liam turned to face the window. Only it wasn't a window, and it wasn't rain.

Liam was lying in the middle of an alleyway somewhere in Newcastle, staring into his reflection in a storm drain. His vision was blurry, but he could still see that one of his eyes was black and that there was now a long, jagged scrape that danced along the flesh between his left eyebrow and his left ear. And the trickling sensation he had felt before? Turns out it was blood, pouring from a deep, painful wound on his leg.

Struggling to stand up, Liam grabbed onto the base of the storm drain to steady himself, wincing in pain as he tried to move his injured leg. Based on the blue sky and blazing sun beams in his line of vision, it was probably the morning--the morning after a night he could hardly remember let alone articulate.

Liam took a breath and tried to recall the few events he could piece together in his head, desperately attempting to get some sort of clarity, even if it was only a little.

Driving. Lots of driving. Driving for hours. Driving until he was sleepy. Parking. Going to a bar, any bar. Any type of drink -- any type of substance. Shots, pills, powders, smoke. Anything and everything that will dull the pain for just a little while. Too much. It's just too much. And I told him that, but he kept on giving me more. More drinks, more pills. High. Then Low. It was dark. But not dark because it was night. Dark because it was hard to keep my eyes open, hard to see. Hard to feel whose body was one mine -- a man's or a woman's. They all felt the same at this point. And there were so many.

Liam took a deep breath, his stomach tightening as the memories came flooding back. What came next? What led him here to this alley?

Screaming. Screaming to get the fuck off me I want to go home. Falling. Hard and fast. Throwing a punch. Blow to the face. Door opening. Closing. More punches. Falling. Crashing. Fuck. That bottle. They threw that bottle at my leg and that's why it god damn hurts. Burns. So fucking much that I forgot my skull feels like it's being crushed into a fine powder....

Liam's hands quickly rushed to his head, where he tried to stop the pounding, agonizing pain that was pusling through it. His thoughts continued, faster, more powerful now. Racing now, trying to keep up with the pounding in his head.

Fuck.   
Fuck.   
Fuck.

I need help.   
Need help right now.   
Need him.

Without another moment's hesitation, he reached for his phone, dialing the only number he knew could save him in a time like this.


	28. Panic

"Niall, there's an emergency," Zayn choked into the phone. "Liam went on a bender. He's really hurt... and he's in fucking New Castle... I don't even know what to do. Fuck...." He bit his lip to keep from crying. His voice was weak and raspy, constantly cracking.

"Wait... slow down. Is he okay? How did he get to New Castle that's nearly 8 hours by car?" Niall asked frantically on the other end. Zayn grimaced. "He drove. I... called the hospital and someone came and got him. Deep wounds on his leg and face, but he's pretty fucked up with drugs that don't mix. They did a stomach pump, but said it's been in his system a while.... have to wait and see how he does. Niall I've been fucking throwing up in the bathroom. I just... can you come get me? We have to go see him...."

"I'm coming. I'm coming right now," Niall replied, clicking off the phone and putting it in his pocket. Then, he turned to his client and explained that he had an emergency and had to leave. "That's okay, we don't need to see anymore of the house. We'll take it," the woman called as Niall jogged to the door. "Awesome," Niall replied. He tossed her a pen to sign the lease and then turned on his heel and headed to out the door to the tube.

"Okay, you're okay," Niall said softly, putting an arm under Zayn's shoulder and helping him to his feet. Zayn had sounded bad over the phone, but he looked absolutely terrifying in person. He was pale with a sickly grey coloring to his skin and his eyes were red and puffy, only half opened. His limbs were weak at his sides and he appeared to be partially paralyzed, stunned by the shock he was experiencing.

"Can you see me?" Niall asked, not sure what to even do in a situation like this. Figuring it would be better for him to get off the floor, Niall walked Zayn to a bathroom stall and closed the lid to the toilet seat so he could sit down. Taking a seat, Zayn nodded. "I can. But you're a bit blurry."

Niall nodded slowly. "I'm gonna get you some water..." he said, exiting the bathroom swiftly. As soon as he got into the corridor and grabbed a cup of water, he whipped out his phone and started texting Louis.

Niall: EMERGENCY! Liam in New Castle. Went on bender - has injuries and possible OD. In hospital.   
Niall: Zayn freaking out. Vomiting everywhere and pale with blurry vision. Need help ASAP. Can't handle this alone.   
Niall: 332 West Canary Wharf, Suite 2A

When Niall returned to the bathroom he found Zayn over the toilet, vomiting profusely, his back arching as he heaved over and over. "Zayn," he said, tapping him on the shoulder. "Zayn, it's clear. Nothing's coming out. Please stop. I have your water."

Zayn turned around, nearly falling onto Niall as he faced him. Niall extended a hand and helped steady him back on the toilet seat, handing him the water. Right away, Zayn's trembling hand began to spill the water everywhere, so Niall grabbed it back and brought the water to his lips.

Zayn drank slowly, finally feeling an inkling of calm as he focused on swallowing each tiny gulp. "Okay. You're okay," Niall said, stroking his back. "Can I... Can I get more water?" Zayn asked timidly, hoarseness enveloping his burning throat. Niall nodded and returned to the corridor. He returned a few seconds later with two more cups. With the first one, he helped Zayn to hold the cup as he sipped. With the second one, Zayn was able to hold it himself and drink it with only a tiny bit of spillage.

Niall's phone flashed suddenly.

Louis: Okay. Fuck. I'm on my way! Are u still at the office?   
Niall: yeah, can't move him. I don't think he can get up. Should I call 911?   
Louis: Not sure. As him if it's a panic attack. If it is then ask if he has meds for it. If not he could be seriously sick + we have to call.  
Niall: Ok. Thanks.

"Hey, Zayn. Do you think you're having a panic attack?" Niall asked softly, stroking his hair. Zayn's neck was clammy and dripping with sweat. Niall flinched a bit upon feeling the wetness, but didn't stop as it seemed to be calming him down.

Zayn nodded. "Used to get them when I was younger. Still do a few times a year," he replied breathily. Niall nodded. "How do you treat them? Do you have meds?" He asked, praying that the answer was yes.

Zayn nodded a second time, his face growing paler. "Yeah, they're at home. But we don't have time to go home. Have to go see Liam," he stammered. Niall felt Zayn's heart rate pick up beneath his fingers and immediately tried to change the subject, as it was Liam who was triggering all of this.

"Liam's fine though, love. We're worried about you right now. Once you feel better, you can go see him," Niall said with a false smile. As he watched Zayn tremble next to him in the awful smelling bathroom, he felt himself starting to get nauseous too... Niall could handle most heavy situations, but this was just too intense for him. He was responsible for Zayn's care right now and had no idea what he was doing. All he wanted was for Louis to show up and help him out....

Suddenly, Zayn started shaking around violently, loosening out of Niall's grip. "Gotta go see Liam," he growled. Niall jumped up and tried to steady him, pushing him back onto the toilet seat, which wasn't much effort considering how weak he had become.

Suddenly, The bathroom door swung open and Louis jogged in, his soft brunette hair blown in every which direction and dark sweat stains bleeding through his red blazer. "I have Xanax. Just give him one of these," he panted. He tossed Niall an orange pill bottle and Niall caught it, fumbling with the child lock before forcing it open and giving Zayn a pill.

"Swallow this, please," Niall instructed, placing the pill in Zayn's hand. Louis ran over and handed Zayn a water bottle, patting him gently on the back. Zayn nodded, throwing his head back and swallowing the tiny pill. He didn't really need water, but he looked at Niall with begging eyes, and watched as the Irish boy helped bring the bottle to his lips. That's the last thing he remembered before everything went dark.

************************************************  
"What the fuck do we do?" Niall cried, wringing his hands. He was pacing on the wooden floors of Zayn, Liam and Harry's flat and was near close to tears. "Alright. Give me a second mate. I don't know how soon we can even get to Newcastle. It'll take at least a few hours to get on a flight.... and Zayn's gonna wake up and freak again. Fuck," Louis said. He rubbed his eyes, trying to clear his mind of all the chaos. Just yesterday he had been cuddling and making breakfast with Harry. Today, he was dealing with a life or death crisis.

Suddenly, his mouth opened wide. "Oh my god, where's Harry?" Louis asked in a panic. "He's not here... must be at the doctors or some shit. He is going to freak when he finds out both his roommates are out of it..." Louis quickly texted Harry, trying not to come off as suspicious when he questioned his whereabouts.

Louis: Hey Love where are you? Knocked on apartment door but no answer. Home for lunch

Hoping he would answer soon, Louis shoved the phone back into his pocket and took his second swig of whiskey in the past twenty minutes, handing the bottle over to Niall for his third. "Okay... someone needs to stay here with Harry. So can you do that? I would send you off with Zayn to Newcastle but I can tell it's gonna be unpleasant for you...." Louis said quickly. Niall nodded with wide eyes. "Yeah I just can't go with Zayn. I'm sorry, mate. I'm just not good with these emergency type things. I'm starting to feel freaked myself," he admitted. Even whiskey wasn't helping to calm him down right now...

Louis nodded, smoothing out his wild hair. "Okay, I'll get some tickets. I have a friend at RyanAir. Hopefully we can pull some strings and get a short notice flight. As for Harry, I'll text you a plan. We can't tell him the extent of the issue. But we shouldn't hide it either. A happy medium. Please stay with him and try to make sure he eats. Watch how long he spends in the bathroom or in his room. He purges and exercises.... fuck. I'll send you instructions... I just. Let me take care of this flight shit...." Louis chattered off directions left and right to Niall and then picked up his cell to call the airline company.

"Dear god," Louis muttered to himself as he grabbed a notebook. "Please let everything be okay."


	29. Lies

"Just let me know if you need more," Louis whispered to the very sleepy Zayn who was sitting next to him on the 11:55pm plane to Newcastle. "I'm good," Zayn mumbled, closing his eyes and resting his head on Louis' strong shoulder. Louis sighed and pet his head softly, feeling sorry for Zayn in his state of panic.

As guilty as he felt for keeping him on a steady supply of Xanax, there was nothing he could do at the moment. The minute the medicine had worn off last time, Zayn started flailing around on the car ride over, shaking and screaming nonstop about Liam. Ultimately, Louis had no choice but to keep him sedated on the plane to avoid a scene, or at least that's what he told himself.

As he stroked Zayn's hair, Louis couldn't help but think about Harry. When he texted him earlier, Harry had told him he was at the doctors. Louis ended up calling him after his appointment to explain what was going on before he and Zayn left, a situation which left the younger boy in tears despite the watered down version of the story Louis had told him.

"Listen. There was an accident. Don't freak out because everything's okay. But Liam went to Newcastle instead of visiting his parents like he told you. He got hurt— he broke his leg and has a few scrapes, but he's okay. Zayn and I are flying to go get him now. Niall will stay with you for a few days," Louis explained into the receiver quickly, hardly stopping for breath as he told Harry the carefully crafted lie.

"What... why can't I come?" Harry stammered as fear began to fill his voice, making it high pitched and shaky. "Don't worry love. It was last minute. You weren't home," Louis replied softly, feeling a tinge of guilt strike him in the stomach as he fibbed.

This explanation wasn't good enough for Harry, who was quite aware of what the boys thought of him. "Is this because no one thinks I'm capable of helping out or being independent? Why didn't Niall go with you? Why is he stuck here babysitting me?" Harry demanded.

Louis contemplated telling Harry another web of lies. Something about how Niall had an important work conference and couldn't go. Or how it would be cheaper for just the two of them to go. But he decided against it, concluding that if he truly loved Harry he should be honest with him.

"Harry, Love. Please don't fight me on this. You're capable. You're independent. That's not it love. We're just worried about you and your health right now. You're just about To get cleared for work and I don't want to overwhelm you by making you travel and all that. Can you please just understand that this isn't a bad thing? Please, harry?" Louis said, practically crying by the end of his sentence.

Harry was silent on the other end. He didn't breathe, he didn't speak. Finally, nearly thirty seconds later he responded. "Alright, Lou. But you don't know what's best for me, alright? I'm really upset that you made this decision without even asking me... it's not okay," Harry said harshly, his voice booming.

"I... I'm sorry," Louis replied quietly. "You're entirely right." Harry breathed heavily into the phone. "You don't have to protect me, Louis," he said. "Where's Zayn? can you put him on?" Louis' eyes opened wide and he shook his head violently, forgetting that Harry couldn't see him. "He's not holding up well. Panic attack," Louis said quickly, before he could catch himself in another lie. "Fuck. Really? You weren't gonna tell me?" Harry spat. "Fuck off."

And that was the end of their conversation before Louis heard the steady drill of the dial tone and realized that he probably just made an extremely bad decision by telling Harry all of that. Now, as he sat on the plane, his heart ached for the thin, curly haired boy who had made him laugh and smile uncontrollably just a few days ago.

This was Harry and Louis' first fight with each other, and honestly, it felt awful. Louis had always tried to be as sensitive and perceptive to Harry's needs as he could— he always tried to be his protector. But now harry was telling him he didn't want that — he didn't want to be protected or cared for. And If he didn't want that, then what the hell did he want?

Suddenly, Louis felt a rough tap on his shoulder, pulling him out of his personal contemplation and sending him back to reality. "Mm. Bathroom," Zayn moaned, his eyes still closed. Louis nodded and grabbed Zayn's arm, leading him to the back of the plane to where the restrooms were.

"Zayn, just go in there," Louis said, pointing at the empty toilet. Zayn shook his head, his messy hair falling down into his eyes. "No. Want you to come in," he murmured. Louis shook his head. "Absolutely not, Zayn. Just go to the bathroom. I'll wait right here," Louis said, crossing his arms.

Zayn's chestnut eyes connected with Louis' frosty blue ones, begging, pleading for him to accompany him. But Louis shook his head again, more sternly this time, and Zayn shrugged and stumbled forward to the bathroom. Shaking his head, Louis grunted and followed him in, closing the door behind him. He owes me big time for this, Louis thought to himself with a grimace.

Inside, the bathroom was so tiny Louis and Zayn could hardly fit inside together. To avoid getting too close, Louis had pressed himself against the door and turned completely away from Zayn, who was softly trickling into the toilet. "Hurry up," Louis insisted, the smell of urine invading his nostrils. "Need your help to wipe though," Zayn whispered. "Fuck this, I'm getting out of the bathroom, Zayn. You're on your own," Louis said, jiggling the lock.

Suddenly, he felt Zayn grab him from behind— with a harsh grip for someone with shaky hands and muscular weakness. Louis turned around in horror to find Zayn with his pants around his ankles, wrapping his arms tightly around his torso. "Zayn, get the fuck off," Louis shouted, pushing him back. But Zayn lunged forward, pulling Louis towards him so their faces were parallel.

That's when he kissed him.

A/N. Eek! Not what I was planning for omg. What do y'all think? I did not enjoy writing this chapter haha sorry if it's kinda dull


	30. Lust

"What the Fuck are you doing?" Louis screamed, pushing Zayn's pouting lips off of his own and spitting onto the rubber mat beside him. Zayn slammed against the bathroom wall with a clatter, and Louis ran his fingers through his hair quickly, trying to quell the tension building up in his crotch.

"Always found you hot, Mr. Skinny Jeans," Zayn said with a thin voice, lifting himself up off the wall. "Liam said I had a wandering eye. He was right." Louis blinked, shaking his head at the flirty words that Zayn's lips were expelling. He had noticed Zayn check him out on a few occasions when they hung out, his deep brown eyes flickering to his legs and bum. But he never thought much of it. Louis purposely dressed to catch people's attention — and he never had an issue with someone appreciating his effort.

Thinking back, Louis could believe that Zayn found him attractive—the evidence was there. But the part about a wandering eye, Well that meant something else altogether. That indicated more than just attraction. It implied desire, tension, feelings.

Louis' thought began to race through his head and he reached for the lock again, but Zayn grabbed him by the shoulder and stared at him with wet lips. "Mr. Tomlinson, I can show you something to write about," Zayn said, twirling Louis around and thrusting his firm hips against Louis', roughly. Louis stifled a whimper and shook his head vigorously, his neck growing clammy with sweat. "What the Fuck is wrong with you, Zayn, are you drunk?" he stammered. He turned away, but part of him wanted to stay there, creating friction with the dark haired man beside him.

"No. Just high on my xanies... thanks for that by the way. But just so you, know you don't have to sedate me to get with me," Zayn breathed, pushing Louis onto the toilet seat and straddling him, his knees digging into Louis' thighs. Louis let out a sigh, suddenly realizing his own true motives. The fact that he had allowed things to get this far showed that he was purposefully trying to play the victim in this situation— he could have easily left the bathroom minutes ago, but he didn't. He could have easily opened the door and went back to his seat, but he didn't. He didn't because Zayn's lips had felt good upon his, and the hardness in his pants didn't want him to pull away, didn't want him to leave.

But he had to. He had to leave— for Harry. For his beautiful, kind, sweet and perfect Harry who loved him with all his heart... even if he was mad right now. Even if he didn't understand that Louis' protectiveness was a part of his affection, that he was just trying to help.

Zayn inched closer to Louis' face, and his dilated pupils showed that he was clearly on something more than just the Xanax he had given him. "Why are you resisting? For Harry? Please.... Harry doesn't care about you. He just needs a caretaker right now. And you happen to do it better than me and Liam," Zayn growled, tracing tiny circles on Louis' jawline. "Let me fill you in on a little secret about Harry. Didn't wanna tell you this but....He had sex a few weeks before he met you. Some girl he met off tinder. So if he can't get undressed with you, it's not his body image, Lou. It's his attraction to you."

Louis felt a sharp pain in his stomach, doubling over as if he were going to vomit in response to these awful news. To keep from crying, he bit down on his tongue, a deep, metallic taste filling his mouth as he processed Zayn's words. Its his attraction to you. He's not attracted to you....

I'm just not that attracted to you.

You're kind of gross, Lou.

You should go to the gym more.

Attraction is sort of an issue here.

Countless voices of ex partners played in his head, filling him with the deep, sinking feeling he had so badly tried to escape— and that he thought he had escaped through Harry's warm embrace and reassuring cuddle. This feeling had always been a central part of Louis' life, and now it was creeping back up, stronger than ever; it was the feeling that he wasn't, and never would be, good enough. The feeling that he was unattractive and unworthy of love. The feeling that he was worthless.

"Come make love with someone who finds you attractive, Lou," Zayn cooed, his voice thick and raspy. "Someone who loves your curves, those legs, that bum...." Zayn squeezed Louis' butt with firm hands, his erection hardening in his lap. Then, he unzipped Louis' pants, grabbing his dick and stroking it softly.

Louis threw his head back and let out a tiny moan. Then he lunged towards Zayn, ready for whatever was about to happen. He wasn't even sure if Zayn truly found him attractive... but he did know that he needed something to numb the pain the curly haired boy was causing him— and sex was always Louis' vice of choice. It numbed the pain harder than alcohol and faster than drugs.

Louis grabbed Zayn's face, his thick stubble prickling his fingers. Then he kissed him passionately, allowing their tongues to intertwine. Fuck it, he thought. Time to join the mile high club.


	31. Anger

"Who are you rooting for, mate?" Niall asked Harry, pointing to the plasma screen with his index finger. The two boys were in Niall and Louis' apartment sitting on the couch watching a football game, an activity which Niall could only hope would be relaxing for Harry. "Hmm. I guess Cheshire," Harry said with a shrug, his mind floating elsewhere as he stared blankly at the tiny bodies running across the screen.

Wish I could be thin and fit like those players, Harry thought to himself, tugging at the tangled bracelet on his wrist. He and Niall had just finished lunch — sandwiches with salad and chips— and his stomach felt stuffed and irritated as he sat on the leather coach.

Wincing, Harry brought his knees to his chest and breathed deeply, trying to fight the urge to purge all over the couch. Part of Harry wished Louis could be here to help comfort him, help him keep his food down. Help him feel worthy of eating. But another part of him wanted nothing to do with Louis. After all, Louis had just treated him like a helpless child, single handedly intervening in his best friend's life and not giving him a say in important decisions that concerned him.

"You okay mate?" Niall asked, watching Harry as he fidgeted uncomfortably in his awkward position. "Yeah. Just have to use the bathroom," Harry muttered, popping up and heading down the corridor. "Afraid I have to go with you, mate," Niall called, jumping off the couch and running after him.

Harry turned on his heel and faced Niall, sizing up the brunette boy. His arms were broader than Harry's, but Harry was much taller, and he figured he could overpower him through sheer size if he had to. "Please don't follow me in. I need my privacy," Harry said coolly, clenching his fists.

Niall shook his head fervently. Of all the things Louis had told him about taking care of Harry -- from helping to create portion sizes to soothing his anxiety-- Niall had found this one the most important. DON'T LET HIM IN THE BATHROOM ALONE.

"Honestly, Niall. I'm a grown adult. I'll just go home and use my own restroom," he said, turning down the hallway to exit the flat. Niall jogged over and blocked the door, standing in front of him with his arms crossed. "Harry, please. We were having a good time. Can't you stay?" Niall asked softly. "You know you're not supposed to purge Harry. I'm sorry you feel uncomfortable, but truly you didn't eat that much mate. I had two of those sandwiches and you only had one. And I feel like I could eat more..." Niall trailed off, watching as Harry's face turned red and he looked at the ceiling.

"Why does everyone have to treat me like a fucking child?" he asked, walking closer to Niall so that their faces were only a few inches apart, blue meeting green. "I'm not going to purge. Can't you trust me?" Niall shrugged. "If you have nothing to hide, show me I can trust you. Leave the door a crack open. Trust me, I won't be looking," Niall suggested with a weak smile.

"Fuck it. Just fuck it. I'll just wait until I get home later," Harry said, whirling around. This was the first time in a long time that he had unleashed his anger at someone. In rehab, he often sassed the nurses and doctors, yelling at them if they tried forcing him to do things he wasn't comfortable with. He fucking hated being locked up in a room all day, monitored by nurses, unable to even bathe himself without someone checking to see if he was purging. Now, he was finally free from rehab, but it felt like the same shit all over again, with Niall and Louis trying to control his every fucking move.

And that was something Harry would not tolerate. Supporting him was one thing. Louis helping Harry with his portions and talking out his problems was kind and helpful. Sharing their inner most feelings and securities? That was also helpful. But forcing Niall to put him on lockdown and not even let him use the bathroom? That was probably illegal let alone unethical. Harry was tired of being treated like a toddler by his friends and boyfriend, and now he was ready to speak up about it.

"Honestly, Niall. I appreciate what you're doing here. I really do. I know you think you're helping me, by preventing me from purging or whatever. But just so you know, I'm my own person. I'm not weak or fragile or whatever the fuck Louis made me out to be," Harry spat, his face filling with rage as he thought about how his boyfriend was trying to be his god damn mother. "I accepted Louis' support. I trusted him. But he's taken it too far. He can't make decisions for me -- he can't control me. And he certainly can't help me. I can fucking help myself."

Niall nodded slowly, unsure how to handle Harry's intense reaction. He knew he was in an irritable state and didn't want to shove more advice down his throat when he wasn't ready. "I... I understand," Niall said softly. Harry shook his head, his curls hitting his shoulders. "No, I really don't think you do, Niall. Because if you understood, you wouldn't be doing this. Okay? None of you would be doing this to me. I would be in Newcastle right now with Liam -- because that's my best friend in the world and he needs me and that's where I need to be. What would you do if someone decided for you that even though Louis was hurt, they would handle it and leave you out of the plan. Huh?" Harry's bright eyes dug into Niall's like laser beams, causing him to flinch backwards unintentionally.

"I would be pissed. Alright, Harry. You're right. Me and Louis fucked up. We weren't thinking," Niall admitted, his stomach tensing a bit as he thought of being unable to help Louis. "But you were thinking," Harry spat. "You were thinking I was an incapable, helpless little kid." Harry covered his hands with his face to prevent Niall from seeing the tears that were falling quietly onto the floor below him.

"Hey, it's okay," Niall cooed, scooting over to Harry. "That's not it. I know you think that's why. And honestly, we were a little worried it would be a lot for you to handle and that it would trigger some of your behaivors. We just want you healthy Harry. It's not about treating you like a child -- we just know how hard you've worked and don't want to mess up your progress. But you're right. WE should have asked you first."

Harry nodded, the anger in the pit of his stomach starting to simmer down a bit. "Thanks, Niall. I appreciate that apology," he said quietly, rubbing his eyes with his thumbs before he looked up at him. His face was blotchy and tearstained but Niall didn't care. He reached over and gave Harry a hug.

"Thanks," Niall replied, squeezing Harry's shoulders. "Sorry for flipping on you, Ni," Harry said quietly. "I'm just... well I just feel really angry right now. I don't like being controlled -- all they did was control my every move in rehab. And I really just want to make my own decisions. Honestly, you guys aren't always gonna be there to hold my hand or help me from purging. I'm gonna have to learn to stay healthy on my own."

Niall nodded, noting that Harry made a lot of sense. Growing up, Louis' parents had been responsible for Fizzy's recovery since she was a minor. But As an adult, Harry had to be able to sustain his recovery independently, not by relying on someone else to curb his behaviors. "Alright mate. Go use the loo. But please don't....you know..." he said. Harry raised an eyebrow at him, and then got up to use the bathroom, holding his chest high and feeling triumphant.

But Harry wasn't as strong as he thought he was.

As soon as he stepped in, he stuck his finger down his throat and tried to expel the contents of his churning stomach. But just as he felt the food resurfacing, ready to clink quietly into the toilet, he remembered what he had just told Niall about being independent, about not needing constant supervision. He took a deep breath and quickly removed it, opting to wash his face instead.


	32. Break

"Hey, Li," Zayn said, quietly, as he rubbed his thumb against the shiny metal bed frame. He was inside of Liam's hospital room, standing above Liam, who was laying in bed with a white plaster cast on his right leg and a glassy look in his eyes. "Hey," he replied hoarsely, reaching up to hug his boyfriend. Zayn felt guilt building up inside him as he hugged Liam, who was warm and muscular beneath his arms. It sort of reminded him of Louis.

"How ya feeling, babe?" Zayn asked, sitting down on the edge of the hospital bed. The white sheets crinkled a bit against his legs. "A little foggy," Liam admitted, toying with the IV on his wrist. Zayn looked away quickly, as those types of things always made him queasy.

"I'm really glad you're okay. You had us worried," Zayn said softly, rubbing Liam's good leg, which was hard and muscly. He remembered how when they first met, Liam would always poke fun at Zayn's thin legs, constantly telling him to come to the gym and do squats with him. He never did go.

Liam nodded, his eyes drifting around the room. As Zayn watched him, he noticed that his brown hair looked unkempt and greasy and realized that he probably hadn't showered since before his injury.

"I'm.... I'm sorry about what I said to you," Zayn said quietly. "I hope that's not what triggered--" Liam shook his head quickly, his heart rate beeping faster on the monitor as he interrupted Zayn. 

"It's okay," he said. "It's really alright. I have been very touchy and impulsive lately. This injury had nothing to do with you, Z." Zayn nodded, his eyes connecting with Liam's. Liam was telling him things were okay between them, but it didn't feel that way at all. And it wasn't just because of his affair with Louis. Something about their relationship seemed strained, difficult. Not just in the past week, but in recent months. It just didn't flow the way it used to.

Liam used to look at Zayn with passion and desire, like he was a brand new project he couldn't wait to start working on. Now, Zayn wasn't sure they had that type of passion anymore. He felt like Liam saw him as more of as a procrastinated plan that never worked out rather than a fresh new concept to work on and explore.

"How's Harry?" Liam asked coldly. "Harry? Oh, um he's fine," Zayn answered quickly. "We told him you were travelling and broke your leg through an accident. He's fine." Zayn fumbled in his pocket for another Xanax pill, wondering if he could make it through any more of this tense conversation without the help of his trusty pill pack.

"Sorry to put you guys through this. I'm supposed to be the responsible one," Liam replied with a strained smile, his mouth stretching a bit too far to be genuine. "No, we're mostly worried about you. I um. I was worried sick," Zayn said, looking at his shoes.

Now was the part where he was supposed to tell Liam how much he cared about him -- how much he loved him. But something was stopping him. Maybe it was his hookup with Louis or maybe it was just how secretly upset he was with Liam for leaving. But he just couldn't say it.

"I think... maybe it's best I stay with my friend Joe for a bit. I just... need some time to get my head right," Liam said, looking up at Zayn. "Harry can stay with Louis maybe." Zayn looked into his lap, picking at a breaking fingernail as he tried to suppress his emotions.

"Yeah, maybe that's best," he said, standing up. Liam nodded, weakly. "I asked to be taken off your project," Liam added, his shoulders tensing as he told Zayn the news. He didn't want to do this -- he didn't want to leave Zayn. But he felt it too -- the distance, the disconnected relationship, the strain. His anger issues were a large part of the reason the two men had grown apart; but they weren't the only reason. Zayn had been more standoffish and less open in recent months. And right now, in his fucked up mindset, it seemed nearly impossible for Liam to try and work things out.

We just need time, Liam told himself, over and over again. But he was starting to wonder if that was even true anymore.

Zayn nodded, walking towards the door. "I understand. Well, feel better," he said quietly, looking at Liam with emotionless eyes. "See you tomorrow."

"Thanks," Liam replied, waving weakly at Zayn. The door closed and suddenly, he we alone again, his mind racing and head pounding as he thought about the relationship he had just ended. With a trembling hand, he hit the button for the nurse. It was time for another morphine drip.


	33. Regret

The plane ride home was horrendous. No one spoke, and Louis somehow ended up in the middle seat between Zayn and Liam. Zayn had muttered something about how it would be best for him to sit there since he and Liam were taking a break.

That's what they were calling it at least. A break. A temporary situation. Something repairable. Because that's what it was, wasn't it? Zayn and Liam weren't so sure....

Louis was surprised to hear that Liam had called for the break -- before Zayn even got a chance to tell him about the cheating scandal. Apparently, their relationship had been in trouble for a while, and this whole injury incident was just the icing on a breakup cake... not that anyone baked cakes over breakups. Although, that could potentially be an article idea.

Regardless, Louis couldn't help but feel guilty and at least in part involved in the break. Because even if it wasn't because of him, he and Zayn had both cheated on their partners and that was pretty awful in it of itself.

Louis immediately felt nauseous as he thought about telling Harry what had happened.... as he thought about the disgusting act he had just committed a little less than 24 hours ago.

Wow. I am such a fucking hypocrite, he thought to himself. Here he was trying to protect Harry, but all he had done was betrayed him -- and in the worst possible way: by cheating on him with one of his best friends. It was so heartless and despicable that there was no way Harry was going to forgive him, or that he even deserved to be forgiven, for that matter.

Louis winced as his mind carried him back to yesterday's bathroom experience during flight. In his head, he replayed a blurry memory of Zayn thrusting into him forecefully, wracking his body with both pleasure and pain as he leaned over the toilet seat, his knuckles turning white as he gripped it tightly. He remembered moaning, loudly, as Zayn came inside him, filling him with his warm, white liquid. And he remembered coming himself a few seconds later into the toilet, as Zayn jumped off him and pulled up his pants like nothing had ever happened.

In the spur of the moment, Every second had been pure bliss. Invigorating, stimulating, electrifying.

But as soon as it was over, and he came down from the euphoric high, Louis looked at Zayn in horror, realizing the extent of the horrendous act he had just committed. As he walked back to his seat, he felt extremely guilty--dirty even, like his skin was crawling. He instantly regretted having sex with Zayn, instantly regretted cheating on Harry. And as he looked over the handsome, drugged out man next to him on the plane, he realized this may have single handedly been the biggest mistake of his life.

The worst part was that in the heat of the moment, Louis had actually cheated not even because of his attraction to Zayn, but because of his burning desire to hurt Harry, to get revenge on him. Zayn told him that Harry had sex with someone else shortly before him -- and that there weren't body issues keeping them apart, but attraction issues. And Louis had been dumb enough to actually believe him, which looking back was awfully ridiculous.

Even if it were true, even if Harry had been with someone else, it didn't necessarily mean that he wasn't attracted to Louis. But in that moment, all Louis could think about was all the other men who had felt the same exact way -- unattracted, unsatisfied, even grossed out by his body. And Louis was suddenly overcome with self-loathing and the desire to cause destruction, to get rid of that horrible, unshakable feeling that he wasn't good enough for Harry.

Not good enough for Harry? he had thought to himself. Well then maybe I'll be good enough for his best friend.

And closing his eyes, he let Zayn take control of his body, hoping that his thrusting hips could help him forget, even if it were for just a few minutes.

As Louis sat between Liam and Zayn, he closed his eyes and prayed that the three glasses of wine he had just chugged in the airport would start taking effect soon. He needed something, anything to deal with this disgusting mess he had created for himself. He needed to escape.

His head reeling, Louis pulled a book out of his bag to distract himself. It was some dumb romantic novel about a young actress that he had picked up in customs. But when he cracked open the paper back, the only words Louis could read on the pages in front of him were:

"You're a cheater."

Sighing, Louis closed the book and leaned back in the chair, desperately trying to forget, but only remembering more about the destructive decisions he had just made.


	34. Fucked

It was about midnight when Louis finally got home to his apartment. Unsurprisingly, he found Niall in the TV room eating popcorn and talking to his girlfriend on the phone with a rom com movie muted in the background. When Niall heard the door open, he turned around excitedly, nearly dropping the phone as he faced Louis.

"Soph, I'll have to call you tomorrow. Lou just got home," he told her quickly before hanging up. Then he got up and jogged over to Louis, his face falling quickly as he looked at him more carefully.

Louis' hair was course and greasy, falling flat on his face, a stark contrast to his usual perfectly coiffed style. He was wearing a pair of grey sweatpants with a stain on one leg and a weathered green tank top, holding his winter coat over his shoulder. Niall shuddered as Louis' bloodshot eyes stared back at him, purple circles accentuating his exhaustion. Further down on his face, five o'clock shadow was making a noticeable appearance on his jawline.

"Oh my god. Louis. Sit down, mate. Are you okay?" Niall asked with a concerned tone. Louis shook his head feverishly, tossing his suitcase on the ground and collapsing into one of the kitchen chairs. "I'm not okay. I cheated on Harry," he blurted out, without much of a second thought. He was tired of keeping it bottled up, exhausted really. And he needed to tell someone about the heinous, dirty deed he had done less than a day ago.

"What the fuck?" Niall nearly screamed, jumping backwards in disbelief as Louis told him his secret. "Wait... What? You're kidding right?" Louis shook his head. "Do I look like I'm bloody kidding?" He scoffed, motioning to his horrid appearance. "Well why? With who?" Niall asked, his eyes still wide with surprise.

"Zayn," Louis said. Just saying the name made him feel sinful. Zayn. It was a sexy name. A mysterious one. Felt good on his tongue. Good on his tongue, but bad for his soul....

"Wait. What the fucking hell?" Niall yelped. "In the plane bathroom," Louis continued. "I'm a horrible person, Niall. What I did was unforgivable." Niall shook his head, bringing his palm to his face and sighing deeply. "I... wow..." he stammered. "What exactly happened?"

"He was drugged out. Asked me to help in the bathroom, begged. So I did," Louis said, his face growing pale as he recalled the awful memory. "I had my back to him. Nothing was happening, until he started coming onto me. Kissed me. I pushed him off." Niall shook his head, grimacing. Louis had done a lot of fucked up shit in the past, from accidentally having sex with the wrong twin to bitch slapping the bar tender at the local pub in uni. But the way things were headed with his story, this seemed to be by far the worst thing Louis had ever done. And the worst part was, he had been sober.

"He kept making moves. Told me that Harry had slept with a girl a few weeks before meeting me... fucked her no problem despite body image issues but still can't get naked around me because he's not attracted to me," Louis continued, his breathing rate quickening and his face flushing red.

"Oh, Lou...," Niall said, frowning and sticking out his bottom lip. He knew how deeply that insecurity struck Louis, and now it sort of made more sense why he had went through with this — it wasn't his attraction to Zayn that motivated him, it was the emotional trigger and his subsequent need to drown his insecurities.

"Yeah. So you know me. I'm an insecure, emotional, whacked out fuck. And so I let him Fuck me in the bathroom stall. Then and there. Mile high club with someone else's boyfriend. Sad thing is, he and Liam broke up. But Liam doesn't even know we fucked. It just wasn't working out," Louis blurted out, his arms trembling. "What I did was so disgusting. I don't know how I can even face Harry..."

Niall gulped. Louis had a point— telling Harry would definitely make things worse. Not only had he blatantly betrayed him by cheating with his best friend, but he had also been a complete hypocrite by telling Harry he wanted to help him and then doing the exact opposite.

"I'm just gonna tell him," Louis said, shaking his head. "Fuck it. Just Fuck it!" He stood up and took a bottle of tequila from the liquor cabinet, chugging a swig from the shiny glass bottle before standing up and heading towards the door. "Louis William Tomlinson, don't you fucking dare," Niall called, his blue eyes burning a hole into his roommates back. Without hesitating, Niall sprinted to the door and grabbed Louis firmly by the bicep, forcing him to face him.

"Not right now. Please. In the morning. It's late," he begged. Louis shook his head and ripped his arm from Niall's grip. "No. Just gotta get it over with," Louis retorted, sticking his index finger into Niall's chest. He reached for the door handle, twisting it and running to the hallway, his legs swishing in the sweatpants.

Niall darted after him and watched in horror as Louis grabbed the door knob to their neighboring flat. Not knowing what else to do, Niall jumped forward and tackled Louis to the ground, sending him sprawling on his stomach.

"What the bloody fuck are you doing?" Louis screamed, trying to push Niall off of him. But Niall pressed hard onto Louis' body, preventing him from moving. "Don't do it, mate. You'll destroy him. You need to discuss this in the morning when you have a clear head..." Louis grunted and struggled against Niall's grip, flailing his limbs wildly.

Niall continued to hold his ground, firmly pressing on Louis' back. "Fuck! Get the fuck off me, Niall, you fucking arsehole!" Louis screamed. He was kicking him now, and Niall was starting to get nervous that he might not be able to keep Louis pinned down for much longer.

"Okay, I'll get off. But don't do it," Niall said, slowly releasing Louis. Louis nodded, locking eyes with Niall and feigning a semblance of calm, his eyes fluttering closed and his breathing steadying.

Niall smiled and offered Louis a hand to get up. But instead of taking it, Louis jumped up and sprinted to the door of Harry's flat. Niall spun around and chased after him, pushing him violently to the side and blocking the doorframe with his body. Louis walked over to the door, scowling when he saw what his roommate was trying to do. Then, his face softened and he began to tear up, his cheeks flushing red.

"I should just kill my self," Louis sobbed, falling onto Niall's chest. "I can't believe I cheated." Niall nodded. He stroked Louis' hair, cooing softly that it would be okay. That all he needed was some rest. Louis wanted to believe him. But he knew he couldn't. Because nothing would ever be okay after this.

Humming softly, Niall took Louis by the hand and began to lead him across the corridor and back to their apartment. Just as they turned the doorknob, however, the door to Harry's flat flew open, sending both boys jumping in fright. To their sheer surprise, it wasn't Harry who was at the door, but Liam, who was scowling at them with squinting eyes as he supported himself on this crutches.

"What the fuck is all that noise? Is everything okay?" He asked in an annoyed tone. "And who in the bloody hell cheated?"


	35. Release

"Liam," Niall said calmly, not trying to anger him. He knew how volatile Liam could be when he was upset. "Now isn't the time to discuss this." Liam looked at Niall with furrowed eyebrows, shaking his head.

"I heard someone say they cheated. And it was clearly Louis' British accent I heard. So it's pretty clear he cheated on Harry. Now is the fucking time to tell me what's going on," he demanded, his arms shaking with rage.

Niall shot Louis a discouraging look, shaking his head and widening his eyes as if to say "don't you fucking do it." But Louis just looked past his worried roommate, letting his face falling as he ran a hand through his tangled hair.

"Just beat me up now," Louis said in a breathy voice, taking a step towards Liam. Liam was tall, muscular, and agile--even on crutches, he could beat Louis in a fight three times over. Liam looked Louis up and down, his eyes flickering from the purple circles under Louis' eyes to the ragged sweatpants on his legs.

"I'm not gonna do you the satisfaction," Liam spat as he wrinkled his nose in disgust. "The mental torment seems to be doing it's job well enough. No need to beat you up and turn myself into the bad guy here."

Over the past few days, Liam learned more than anything that anger and violence were going to get him nowhere in terms of helping him deal with his emotions. In fact, they would just make him worse, sending him deeper into a world of hatred and despair, filling him with more hopelessness and making him feel worse then he even did before.

No. He wasn't going to hurt Louis. By the looks of his terrifying appearance, he was hurting already. Plus, if Louis was literally inviting him to beat him up, that meant he was going to use the physical pain as a form of release. And the last thing Liam wanted to do was help Louis escape reality through the blow of his angry fist, a crack to his unworthy body.

Louis smirked at Liam, his eyes wild and frantic as a twisted smile crept across his lips. If Liam wasn't giving in now, he would soon soon enough. It was time to turn things up a knotch.

"I had sex with Zayn," he said, walking towards Liam slowly, but confidently, like a predator encircling his prey. Liam locked eyes with Louis, his face darkening as he stepped out of the flat closing the door behind him.

"You What?" Liam growled. He took a step closer to Louis, so they were face to face. Liam towered over Louis by several inches, staring at down at him with a look of pure hatred, his brown eyes nearly black.

"Zayn fucked me. In the plane bathroom. On the way to go see you," Louis said through clenched teeth. Niall, who was watching the conversation in horror from a distance, immediately sprinted over between the two boys, trying to separate them before things escalated.

Liam took a deep breath and resisted the inescapable urge to tackle Louis on the spot, locking him into a chokehold until he was gasping for breath. He thought about twisting his ankle until it snapped or sucker punching him in his face until his nose was bloody and broken. There were so many ways to make things right.

But no. He couldn't do that shit. He had to stay in control. Even if every fiber in his body still loved Zayn— still wanted more than anything for Zayn to love him. Even if he only started that stupid break to avoid the empty, crippling feeling he felt every time Zayn looked over at him with disinterest, every time he checked out another man in the office. Every time he made Liam feel w o r t h l e s s.

And then there was Harry. Innocent Harry. Liam winced internally as he realized his worst fear had fucking come true — Louis had hurt Harry. Fragile, unstable Harry who could hardly handle eating lunch let alone dealing with a cheating scandal.

Liam let his thoughts whirl around in his head before answering. He chose his words carefully, trying to make his response as simple and selfless as possible. This wasn't about him. This wasn't even about Zayn. This was about Harry.

"You're trash, Louis. Absolutely disgusting. But I'm not wasting my energy on you or Zayn. This is just one more reason to move out. Our relationship was dead anyways," Liam growled, pushing Niall forcefully and sending him falling to the ground. Now nothing was separating him from grabbing Louis by the throat and squeezing until he turned blue....

"I don't give a fuck who you cheated with... even if it was my boyfriend. I care who you cheated on," Liam continued, his voice deepening by several octaves. "Listen to me. And listen carefully. You are not to tell Harry. Ever. Literally ever. Tell him you're not ready for a relationship. End it like I told you too so many times. But do not tell him what happened."

Louis laughed, throwing his head back to expose his bright, white teeth. "You're not the boss of me, Payne. He deserves to know how awful I am. I'm telling him. Plus, aren't you moving out of here? Fuck off," Louis spat, inching closer to Liam with clenched fists.

At this moment, as he stared into Liam's eyes, Louis could hardly comprehend anything anything anymore. He heard Niall somewhere behind him, shouting to walk away, to go back inside. And he heard Liam answering something back— saying the word Fucking over and over again, like it was the only word he knew at the moment.

But Nothing really mattered to Louis anymore. All he could think about was the tall curly haired boy with big green eyes. All he wanted to do was go inside and tell him exactly what happened, to get that dirty, guilty, dreadful feeling out in the open. To purge himself of his sins.

Only he wasn't sure if that was even fair to Harry. He wasn't even sure if that was the right thing to do anymore. It was just the thing he needed to do— he wanted to do. And suddenly he realized he was being selfish all over again, putting his needs before Harry's. Pure hypocrisy. He hated that quality in himself.

As Liam continued shouting, Louis became more and more lost in his own thoughts. Time seemed to slow around him, the sounds dulling and the corridor becoming blurrier. Suddenly, he felt a blow to the head, followed by a wet, dripping sensation on his neck.

He quickly realized that it was Liam's hand— it was bleeding from the punch he had just delivered. But Louis hardly felt the pain from being hit so hard. Feeling like he was in slow motion, he fell to the ground in the corridor, limply, and laid there, allowing the world to turn black around him.

Louis woke up a few seconds later to Niall's face— his vision was still a bit blurry, but he could easily decipher the strong sense of panic and anxiety in his roommate's gaze. He watched as Niall's strong arms began lifting him up, pulling him back into the flat. "It's okay, Lou," he kept saying. "You're okay."

The two boys got about halfway inside the door when Louis heard something— a warbled noise, a whimper. What he saw sent shivers down his spine and caused to him lose his balance, falling onto Nialls chest with a thump.

He blinked his eyes to make sure it was real. It was. Harry was standing a few feet in front of him, staring at him with his bright green eyes, a look of confusion engulfing his angelic face.

A/N: omg I promise in the next chapter Harry will find out. I have been waiting so long to get to the point where everyone is on the same page and their thoughts are revealed. The climax is coming. How do you think harry will react???


	36. Messy

"Are you okay?" Harry asked. He was standing over Louis, who was lying on the couch in his and Niall's apartment, feeling dazed and confused after being punched in the head. Niall was in the process of grabbing him an ice pack, and Harry had just finished shining his iPhone flashlight into his eyes to make sure he could follow the light with his eyes.

Harry was completely oblivious to what was going on -- he had no idea why Louis and Liam had gotten into an altercation, but he was so startled by Louis' injury that he followed Niall inside his flat to help him out. In the process, Liam had packed his bags and left, trudging down the corridor with a suitcase and two duffle bags in tow, struggling with his crutches. He looked like he could have used help, but assuming he was the villain here, Harry left him to his own devices and went to coax his boyfriend.

Too bad he had chosen the wrong person to help.

"Harry, love. I'm fine. I just... we really need to talk," Louis said quietly, sitting up. His head was throbbing, but it wasn't enough to silence his thoughts, which were screaming at him to tell Harry the truth right this instant. To let him know exactly why Liam had punched him.

"It's 2AM," Niall said interrupting, as he handed Louis advil and an ice pack. "Is now really the time for conversation?" Louis smirked at shook his head. "It actually is, Niall. I got this far, didn't I? You truly can't stop me."

Niall sighed and shook his head, his blue eyes flashing over to Harry guiltily before he turned and left the two alone. "Suit yourself," he called over his shoulder. "I tried to stop you."

"Tried to stop him from what?" Harry asked, toying with his bracelet. He bit his lip as he looked at Louis, who looked dark and ominous with his tangled hair and bloodshot eyes. "What's going on?"

Louis sighed deeply, a wave of nauseau overcoming his body. Harry was sitting on the edge of the couch next to him, stroking his arm softly. Louis sat up and pushed Harry's arm away. "I cheated on you," he said deadpan. He closed his eyes for a second, as if to prepare for the impact of his awful words.

When he opened them, he saw Harry sitting there with pursed lips, nodding slowly. "Well. That makes sense. I'm too gross for anyone to love. Should have trusted my gut," he said quietly, getting up to go. Louis shook his head. "Wait! I know it's awful. I know there's nothing I can do to make it up to you. I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. But can I just tell you what happened?"

"I'd rather not know," Harry said, spinning on his heel as he scowled at Louis. His face was flushed and his hands were shaking as he stood there watching the man he thought he loved. Every fiber of his body was screaming for him to run out of the room and purge. Purge everything. Purge even though he hadn't eaten in hours. Even though only blood and bile would come out. Because that's what he deserved for thinking anyone -- especially someone like Louis -- would ever fucking love him.

"It was Zayn!" Louis cried out, holding onto the couch for balance as he tried to stand up. The room was spinning, but he didn't care. He tried to walk closer to Harry, his legs unsteady beneath him. "WHAT THE FUCK?" Harry shouted. "Is that why Liam moved out? Are you fucking kidding me? You selfish prick. They're my best friends. You ruined my fucking FAMILY."

"No. That's not it. Liam dumped Zayn. He didn't know about the cheating. I just told him now, which is why he punched me," Louis insisted. He reached a shaky hand out to grab Harry's hand, but Harry ripped his arm away, and turned his back to Louis. "Don't go near me," he growled, repulsed by the touch of his cold, rough skin. It was the skin of a liar, the skin of a traitor.

"You know what fucks me up the most. That you hurt Liam. And you probably hurt Zayn too, you sick fuck. You can hurt me. Hurt me all you fucking want. But do not hurt my best friends, my brothers. I hurt them enough already with my god damn eating disorder. They don't need more pain," Harry spat, practically sobbing. His shoulders bobbed up and down as he cried, salty, wet tears burning his cheeks.

Louis felt absolutely awful. He truly wanted to grab a kitchen knife and stab himself in the stomach a thousand times over -- but he knew even that would never make up for his sins. So he kept going, kept pressing. He was going to keep on talking with Harry until everything was out in the open. Because he at least deserved to know the truth.

"Zayn came onto me," Louis said coldly. "And I never, ever intended to hurt you. Well, that's a lie. I did. Because Zayn told me you fucked some girl on Tinder right before you met me. He said you weren't attracted me -- that's why you wouldn't get naked -- not body image."

Harry felt his face turn red as Louis reminded him of the kinky tinder hookup Zayn was referring to. It was true, he had fucked that girl -- and many others -- with ease before he had met Louis, surrending his emaciated body to any woman who would take it. Sometimes strartled, they would stroke his ribs as he thrusted, telling him how tiny and skinny he was. Other times, they didn't care about his weight, and simply jumped on top, pushing their hips up and down as Harry's cock penetrated them on top of the kitchen counter.

Those hookups had been Harry's release from his eating disorder. It was better than alcohol or drugs. Who needed those anyways? They had too many calories. No, Harry, preferred the natural high of sex. It was the one area of his life where he had control, where he could dominate. Where he never had to feel guilty. Where he never even had to think about anything other than smashing his genitals against some stranger, against someone--anyone-- who would spend the night with him.

Harry had never wanted Louis to find out about his sex addiction... especially not this way. It was too disgraceful. He had snuck into the women's section of the rehab facility more times than he could count, trading loose pills or laxatives for a body to mount, their skeletons colliding in a meaningless mess of moaning and repression. It was horrendous what he was doing -- heinous really. But his eating disorder had driven him into another vice, pushing him into an unhealthy cycle of fighting addiction with addiction.

And that's why, as mad as he was that Louis had cheated, he couldn't entirely blame him for doing it. Rehab had been the last time Harry had sex with someone, so he hadn't technically been unfaithful to Louis because they weren't dating then. But he knew all too well the strong desire to forget, to escape your worries even for just a night. It was probably that very type of longing that had driven Louis to have sex with Zayn. It was the same desire that Harry felt himself every time his Tinder messages buzzed in his pocket asking for a chill night--because even though he was with Louis now, he still wasn't strong enough to delete his account.

Harry clearly used sex as an escape way more than he should have. But being with Louis, getting to know him emotionally. That had changed Harry in more ways than one... Feeling wanted and loved as a person was entirely different than being needed for your body. It meant things were serious-- long term. That it wouldn't be over in the morning. That it would be the same person every time, and whatever memory of your body they have in their head will always be with them after they see you.

This relationship was different - it was too much. Harry was in too deep - he cared too much about Louis and what he thought. He liked him, fuck he loved him. He loved those icy blue eyes, that perfectly coiffed hair, those sassy articles, the perpetual skinny jeans, the hilarious comments. He loved Louis and he didn't want to let him down by showing him what awful mess lied underneath his clothes.

So Zayn was wrong about the lack of body insecurities. But he was also right. You see, Harry truly was embarrassed of his body and didn't want Louis to see it. But he also knew that the minute his clothes were off, his mind would be too focused on Louis and his sexy thrusting hips to focus on his own body. He knew that, like in his past hookups, the insecurities would momentarily melt away.

No, Harry wasn't withholding his body because he was insecure or because he wasn't attracted to Lou -- he was doing it because he wanted control. He wanted to make Louis work for it, beg for it. Rip his fucking clothes off and ride him like a horse. Because if he couldn't control his weight anymore, at the very least he could hold control over Louis, tormenting him with something they both so badly wanted.

Was it selfish? Yes. Fucked up? Very. But Harry didn't seem to care. It was what worked right now-- or at least what was working. Until Louis found out.

"That's true," Harry responded, twirling around to face Louis. "I did have sex with her before I met you and I had a bunch of sex in rehab. I've probably slept with thirty people in the past year, mostly girls. It's my way to escape, when even my eating disorder can't take me away from the pain."

Louis stared at Harry with wide eyes. This wasn't supposed to happen... Harry was supposed to get mad, break up with him. Leave him. Not admit to even more faults of his own.

"I don't have body insecurities when I'm fucking. I do... I do in general, like nothing I've told you has been dishonest about my body image. But once I'm having sex, I forget about that. And I'm fine. Sex helps me, honestly. I've just been.... well I've been trying to control you.... because, I mean. I'm pretty much powerless Lou. I can't eat on my own... I stopped fucking random people every night, which if I'm being honest has been pretty difficult for me. I just, I want to have a fucking say in something for once..." he choked out, gagging on his own words and wishing he could swallow them back down.

"WAIT WHAT THE FUCK?" Louis screamed, jumping back in horror. Harry shrugged, his eyes watering. "I know I'm disgusting. I wasn't being honest with you and I'm sorry. I'll just leave." Louis shook his head incredously, his vision suddenly sharpening has he examined Harry's long legs. He imagined them being wrapped around some woman, carefree, as he busted a nut.

"This is all kinds of fucked up," Louis said, dropping his face into his hands. "Both of us... we're both just really messed up right now. Harry... I don't even know. Wow. Let's just talk about this in the morning. I need a drink."

Harry nodded, hopping up and exiting the flat swifly. He told Louis he would see him tomorrow. But he certainly didn't plan on it.

A/N: what have I done


	37. Desire

"Hey," Louis said, awkwardly, as Harry pulled upon the door to his flat. It was about 1pm the next day, and Louis still looked rough, but a lot better. He had showered, and his hair was perfectly styled as usual, though his unruly stubble was still thick on his chin. He was also wearing a pair of skinny jeans and a white hoodie, an outfit which caused Harry to smile shyly he looked at the older boy.

"Um, Hey," Harry said, forcing a frown and stepping out of the flat. He was wearing black skinny jeans and a dark blue v neck. Louis looked at his green eyes longingly, but then turned away, deeming himself too unworthy to even look at Harry.

"Is now... um..." Louis stammered. "A good time to talk? Yeah, come in," Harry said coolly, leading Louis into the apartment. Thankfully Zayn had left for the day, though Harry didn't know where he had gone.

To Louis' surprise, Harry kept walking past both the TV room and the kitchen, motioning for Louis to follow him into his room. Louis had never been in Harry's room before. Harry had only been in his. He looked around at the posters of Lana Del Rey and Cher Lloyd that covered the walls, smiling to himself at the younger boy's taste in music. Louis also noticed that both the walls and the bedspread were a dark cream color, and Harry had put a string of Christmas lights around his lofted bed, as if he were a uni student.

"Over here," Harry said, tugging at Louis' wrist. Louis looked up at Harry, surprised he was even touching him after his reaction last night. Harry led him to the corner of the room, where a small brown door led to the outside terrace.

"Oh nice... you have a balcony. Niall got the room with the balcony in our flat," Louis said, feeling empty inside as Harry nodded shortly without replying, purposefully avoiding small talk with his former boyfriend.

Harry and Louis walked through the door and onto the terrace, taking a seat on the two beach chairs that had been left outside. It was still pretty cold, but a heater was located on the top of roof, allowing them to stay warm despite the winter chill. Harry positioned himself pretzel style on the seat closer to the heater, folding his legs neatly as he let the hot air blow on his face.

Louis felt his stomach tangle in knots as he thought of how peaceful and angelic Harry looked right now. He wished he could take a photograph.

"So," Harry started, folding his hands in his lap. "Let's talk." Louis nodded, fidgeting awkwardly in his chair, trying desperately to steady his breathing. "Umm... yeah. So I'm extremely sorry, again, though it'll never make up for it. I doubt you'll trust me again. But I want you to know I did love you... and you're worthy of love Harry. You really are."

Harry nodded, wishing he could believe Louis. But his eating disorder whispered in his ear, telling him he was lying. He was too fat and gross to be loved. And why did he need a boyfriend anyways if he had Ana — if he had those girls who spent the night?

Harry breathed deeply through his nose and crossed his arms. "Wanna believe you, Lou. But it's hard for me. Things are hard for me right now. Maybe it's better we just let things end here," he said, watching sadly as Louis' face fell. "I'm sorry too. I'm not completely innocent. I... I should've been more honest and I'm sorry. I did love you too."

Did. That was the worst part of it for Lou. Did indicated that he used to love him, but not he didn't. That it was over now. That Harry was leaving him, just like all the others. And what hurt the most was that it was his own doing; that he truly deserved it.

"I... Okay," Louis said, fiddling with the sleeves of his hoodie. But his words didn't match his face, which was coated in tiny tears, and it certainly didn't echo what he felt in his heart. "If that's what you want... I mean... is that what you want? I respect you either way, Harry. But people make mistakes.  
My mistake was way worse than yours and if I could, I would spend a lifetime making it up to you... I, fuck, I would do anything. But I know what was so awful. So I understand and respect your decision."

He looked up at Harry, who was still cross legged on the chair, his lean legs folded nicely. "I don't want to end things with you. It's just a lot is mixed up in my life right now. I just want to be alone," he said, his curls falling into his eyes.

Louis looked at Harry carefully, examining his glassy stare and compulsive lip biting. "You want me to leave right now so you can purge, don't you?" Louis asked, raising an eyebrow. Harry shook his head quickly, his eyes widening. "Not at all," he replied, his voice a bit higher than normal. His tone seemed defensive.

"Alone... meaning. Alone with your eating disorder... I... Harry I know you. I know this," Louis said, standing up and shaking his head as he looked up towards the heater. "And you're cold because you've lost weight... are you okay?"

Harry stood up, his eyebrows furrowing. Why was Louis always fucking right? He hated that about him... he didn't want Louis to be right. He didn't want it to be true that he lost more weight in the past few days and had to do extra bloodwork at the hospital yesterday because his vitals were low.

"I think you should, go," Harry said, pointing to the door. "Harry... this isn't even about our relationship. I'm worried about you. This is serious," he said, sighing and taking a seat back in his chair. "Liam left. Zayn's not doing well. Fuck, I'm going mentally down hill with my drinking. Harry... I'm worried. Are you taking proper care of yourself? Do you have the proper support?"

At this point, Harry was shaking with rage. He was done being treated like a god damn child. "For your information Louis, I was fucking fine until you fucked me over by excluding me from the Liam plan. And now I'm purging again... like every meal... as soon as I got off lock down from Niall. So thanks," Harry shouted, throwing his arms up. 

"Did you ever think Harry... that you purging isn't my fucking fault? You're the one saying you want to make your decisions. That you're capable. Show us you're god damn capable then god damn it," Louis yelled, slamming his hands down on the wooden chair. "Niall said you gave him a hard time about the bathroom and he heard you gagging in there. When is it gonna end Harry? Because I love you and I don't want to see you in a god damn casket. Broken up or not, I fucking won't have it."

"We wouldn't even be broken up if you hadn't cheated on me, you god damn Fuckboy. Did you ever think you are part of the problem? Fuck my eating disorder, Louis. It's not your job to help me. So what if I die? Everyone in my life is fucking leaving me anyways," Harry spat, rising to stand on his feet. The patio floor felt hard beneath his worn out converse and he kicked at his untied laces, trying to suppress his tears.

"I'm not leaving. You're telling me to go, Harry. But I can't. I can't let you go because you're fucking amazing... I... if you want to be with those one night stands on tinder, people who don't care about you, then do it. But don't god damn tell me that no one ever cared about you or that you were too gross for anyone. Because I called you beautiful every god damn day I was with you. Every god damn day you pretended you couldn't be intimate with me, while you probably envisioning railing some fucking broad on a pool table at a dive bar," Louis screamed, his hands shaking.

He and Harry were face to face now, their eyes connecting as pure emotional pulsed through their veins. Without responding, Harry grabbed Louis by the front of his hoodie, and ripped him towards him, kissing him passionately.

"Shut up and take your fucking clothes off," Harry growled, his hands reaching for his blue shirt. He pulled it off over his head, tossing it onto the patio floor, and then reaching for his pants to do the same.

Louis stared in awe at Harry, who was now completely naked in front of him, tall and lean. Suddenly, Louis forgot why he was even mad in the first place... Harry's chiseled body was too much in it of itself to focus on. His long, hard legs, his muscular torso, his tattooed biceps. Louis felt the pressure in his pants rising, and tried to fight the urge to grab Harry by the waist and bend him over the terrace railing.

"Harry, I can't, not like this. We haven't resolved things," Louis said, though his body disagreed. Harry tugged Louis' hoodie off of his head and smiled at him with wild eyes. "This is how I resolve things," he said with a smirk.

Unable to resist anymore, Louis began to take off his pants, unbuttoning his jeans and shimmying out of them. "Let me take those off, darling," Harry whispered, pushing Louis onto the lounge chair and sliding off his jeans. Louis stared at Harry, who was now reaching for his dick with wiggling fingers.

All it took was his gentle grip to stimulate Louis. "Ah, that's good," he moaned as Harry jiggled his wrist, tugging his package up and down. Without hesitating, Harry leaned down and replaced his hand with his lips, completely engulfing Louis' entire length in his mouth.

Louis looked at the curly haired boy, completely in awe, his eyes popping out of his head. "Fuckkk," he moaned. "Damn it Harry." Harry continued to suck up and down, tracing tiny circles on the tip of Louis's dick with his tongue, making a conscious effort to suckle on the sensitive part near the rim.

"Ah, Alright, get off," Louis said, nearly coming as Harry continued the blow job. Harry smiled up at him jumping onto his chest like a tiger going after it's prey. "What do you want me to do for you, Lou?" Harry asked, licking his lips.

"Whatever you want," Louis said, secretly hoping that what Harry wanted involved a railing. But Harry had an entirely different idea. He had wanted this for so long— in fact, he had been pretty much planning it in his head. He didn't think he would have given up his control over Louis this quickly — but then again Harry didn't have much willpower left at this point.

Grabbing Louis' hand, Harry raced through the apartment, leading him to the island kitchen. Then he grabbed the granite countertop, bending over it and spreading his cheeks, all while smiling over his shoulder at a startled looking Louis.

"Fuck, that's hot. You're sure about this?" Louis asked, his dick rock solid. Harry nodded, pulling at Louis' hips, positioning them against his bum.

That's when Louis remembered Zayn. And how Zayn had fucked him the same way he was about to fuck Harry, bent over some random household object with lust in his eyes and emotions out the window.

"Oh my god I can't do this," Louis said, taking a step back. "We can't do this. Harry.... I'm so sorry. I just... I want to so bad, but I feel so guilty."

"So do I ," Harry replied, wiggling his butt in Louis' direction. "It's alright"

Louis shook his head. "I. I love you Haz. And I want to fuck you, but I can't. You deserve better than me. I have to go."

And Louis ran for the door, completely forgetting he left his clothes out on the terrace.


	38. Time

It was raining. Pouring, really. The rain pounded on the patio floor, sending cold wet splatters onto Louis' legs, even though he was sitting beneath the roof, seemingly protected from the falling raindrops. Louis patted his jeans where the water had splashed, creating small, dark stains on the fabric on his thighs. He checked his phone, sighing, and then turned around and went back inside, walking through Niall's room and heading to the kitchen.

It had been three weeks since he last spoke to Harry, last seen him. The last thing he could remember was Harry leaning over the kitchen counter, shaking his ass at him, inviting him, begging him to come over and penetrate him.

Louis wondered what would have happened if he hadn't panicked and had actually gone through with it. Would Harry still be speaking with him? Would they be together? He didn't know, but it hurt to think about, so he reached for the fridge, using dinner as a distraction.

Niall was out of town this weekend. He was going to visit friends in Cheshire with Sophie. Louis had already spent so much money on takeout, that he couldn't afford to buy another meal. So he rummaged through the fridge, looking for the ingredients to make a sandwich or something simple. He wondered if Harry had been eating lately. He probably hadn't.

Louis ran into Zayn a few times in the hallway on the way to work over the past few weeks. He avoided eye contact and kept the conversation sort, emotionlessly stating something about the weather or the news. There was nothing to say to Zayn after what had happened between them.

When they were in the lift together a few days ago, though, Louis couldn't resist asking him about Harry. Zayn was wearing a slim grey suit-- it made him look regal, ethical almost. It was probably a way to make his clients find him more trustworthy, more professional. But Louis knew the truth about his across the hall neighbor with the soft brown eyes and spiky dark hair. He wasn't so easily fooled.

"How's Harry?" Louis asked quietly, his blue eyes focused on his sneakers. Zayn looked over at him, a bit surprised by the question. It was more than he was comfortable sharing with Louis. "He's good actually. He got a job at the bakery. He seems a lot happier," Zayn said with a small smile. Louis felt his lips turn upwards voluntarily, keeping his gaze on the floor below him so that his smile wouldn't be directed at Zayn.

"That's great to hear. Glad he's doing well," Louis said as the elevator beeped and opened up. They stepped out of the flat and quickly walked in opposite directions, even though they were taking the same train. Louis felt his heart lighten a bit for the first time since that dreadful plane ride. Because despite all the bullshit he had put him through, Harry was actually okay.

On his walk to work, however, Louis' happiness quickly began to fade, and he was overcome with a feeling of anxiety and fear. Harry was doing well on his own. Which was a wonderful thing. It meant he was becoming more self sufficient, he was taking charge and being more responsible for his meals. But it also meant that he didn't need Louis -- in fact, he was better off without him.

And that made Louis feel absolutely awful.

When he got to his desk that afternoon, nearly tripping over one of the plastic office plants, he didn't feel like his usual spunky self. In fact, he felt quite the opposite. Taking a seat on his swivel chair, he opened up his computer to find today's agenda.

To do:  
Funny article on fasion or lifestyle. Due at 7pm.

Louis' fingers lingered over the keys. There were about twenty different ideas he had come up with this weekend for the new article, but none of them felt right, none of them felt natural right now. Louis was used to shoving his feelings down -- or drinking or eating them away -- when he was on a deadline so that he could churn out what his editor wanted without letting his emotions manipulate his writing. But today he wasn't in the mood to do that. So he decided he would write something different.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Tossing his bag onto the couch, Harry quickly headed to the kitchen to take a seat. He had just finished working an 8 hour shift at the bakery and he was starving. Zayn wasn't home, though he usually was around this time, and Harry's first impulse was to take advantage of situation by skipping his scheduled snack.

But Harry loved his new job and he knew all too well that it could be taken from him if he didn't eat. He was finally getting back into the swing of things -- he had made a buttercream cake today for the first time in two years and somehow managed not to screw up the frosting. His coworkers, Anna and Jess, were also extremely helpful, and they often encouraged Harry to try out frosting and cake samples even when he seemed hesitant.

No, Harry couldn't lose this job and end up back in the hospital. That was the last thing he needed right now. With Liam out of the house and Zayn more distant than ever, working was the only thing keeping him sane. It was also the only thing that kept his mind off of Louis... kept him from thinking about what a fool he had made of himself the last time they were together.

Louis had texted Harry so many times of that. He called too, even knocked on the door. But Harry simply didn't want to deal with it. He didn't want to have to relive that whole experience of him finding out that Louis fucked Zayn, of Louis finding out about his sex addiction, of Louis rejecting him as he ran around naked in the god damn flat. Just the thought of talking again made Harry nauseous -- because now he associated Louis with so many awful memories. Naturally, it just felt better to just let things end, let them fade away.

But sometimes, when Harry least expected it, some of those good memories came back. The ones where Louis held him in his arms and told him he was beautiful, worth waiting for. When Louis thought baby powder was baking soda and tried to get Harry to bake a cake with it. When he could hardly make toast without burning it in the toaster oven. When he cut up Harry's food for him in the fusion restaurant so he wouldn't freak out. And when he said those three little words that changed Harry's world.

During times like that, Harry thought about picking up the phone and calling Louis a hundred times if he had to in order to get through. He contemplated running across the hall and waiting outside his flat for hours until he got home. Going to that cafe down the street that Louis always went to during the weekends when he got writers block. He thought about texting him just "hey," just a simple "what's up." But he could never, ever bring himself to do it.

Because the fear of being rejected a second time by Louis was far too great. Because even though Louis had texted him and left voicemails all saying how much he wanted to see him, Harry wasn't quite sure he could believe him. And even if he was telling the truth, Harry wasn't quite sure he could handle that awful conversation that they would have to have.

So Harry always put down the phone, went back inside,and closed himself off in his room, cutting himself off from Louis -- and everyone else around him. One thing he couldn't quite stop himself from doing though, was reading Louis' articles. Ever since they broke up, he hadn't stopped reading them for a single day, and found himself checking them compulsively as the notifications arrived on his phone.

The articles always made Harry smile. It was his way of keeping in touch with Louis without talking to him. He liked to read Louis' thoughts and lists and opinions about every little thing, from fashion to celebrity drama to music. Because deep down, he truly still cared about Lou. He really did hope he was doing well, and that he was happy.

Grabbing a yogurt and a handful of almonds, Harry sat down at the table and began logging on to Louis' online magazine. Today was men's fashion week in London and Harry was fully expecting something humorous about the latest fashion foibles, but to his surprise, the article wasn't about fashion at all.

12 Signs That You're Not Over Him

Harry blinked at the screen, the reflection of the words dancing in his Green eyes. Of all the articles Louis had ever written, he had never done one directed at Harry... at least not this specifically. Fuck, Harry breathed. Part of him wanted to close the article and stop reading then and there, but another part, the emotional part, forced his eyes to keep moving across the page.

1\. You think about him every day  
2\. You compare everything to him  
3\. You wonder how he's doing   
4\. You try to text or call him whenever you get the chance  
5\. You ask people about him

Harry shrugged. Those were pretty general. Maybe this wasn't about him after all....

6\. You replay the last moment you spent together over and over in your head  
7\. You wonder if you had done something differently, it wouldn't have ended up this way  
8\. You think about what life would be like if you were still with him  
9\. You come up with a million ways to reach out or apologize   
10\. Your heart aches every time you see a picture of him  
11\. You wish with all your heart that you could just see him, hug him one last time  
12\. You wish that you could turn back time and change everything just to be with him again

Slamming the laptop shut, Harry wiped the tears from his eyes and ran to his room. He climbed into his lofted bed, and hugged the pillow to his face, sobbing into it. Louis had captured perfectly every single feeling that he had been feeling since they ended things... every single painful, agonizing thought that's gone through his head.

His hands shaking, Harry stood up and changed out of his baker's uniform and into a pair of jeans and a T-shirt. It was time to face his fears.


	39. Back to You

"Hey, I ... are you at work? I'm sorry to call like this, but... I saw your article. I just need to see you..." Harry stammered into the phone.

"Yeah, just finishing up now. I want to see you too.... Can I meet you at the flat in an hour?" Louis answered, trying to contain the bubbling mixture of surprise and excitement that was building up inside him.

"It can't wait. I'm outside your office. Can I come up?" Harry asked, tugging at his skinny jeans and he peered up at Louis' office building.

"Sure. Come to the cafe on the 3rd floor. I'll meet you there," Louis said, nearly jumping out of his seat. He made sure to leap over the office plants before sprinting to the elevator. His heart was beating double time -- and it wasn't just because he was overexerting himself.

When Louis reached the cafe a few minutes later, Harry was already inside. "Hey," he said softly. He was wearing a black beanie, black skinny jeans, and a black leather jacket with white converse. Louis bit his lip, and looked at the floor, trying to hide his rapidly dilating eyes. "Hi," he replied quietly.

Weaving through the white tables, the two boys headed to the back of the cafe and took a seat in a booth, sitting across from each other. It reminded Louis of their first date -- they had been sitting in a similar style booth in that fusion restaurant. Only that night, Harry had appeared much less frightened and timid then he did now.

"Listen... I. I'm sorry I've been avoiding you," Harry began, locking his green eyes with Louis' blue ones. His shoulders looked tense and his face was paler than usual. "I just didn't want to have to talk about everything all over again... it's just really painful. And honestly, I just want to forget about that stuff... I spoke to Zayn. He admitted to being manipulative -- and I'm not quite sure he's the friend I thought he was. Honestly, I don't know if I can forgive you for what you did with him... and I'm not sure you can forgive me either.... and I know we fought. And things got weird. But what do you say, we try to move on from this?"

Louis looked at Harry with bright eyes, a wide smile spreading across his lips. He nodded, running his hands through his sleek hair. "I... I agree. Yeah, I'd like to try," Louis said with an eager nod. Harry smiled, but he didn't feel better in the way he thought he would. Based on the fluttering feeling in his stomach, there was something else that was still bothering him.

"And um. The eating disorder. That has been a huge issue in the past, and I want you to know that I have been working really hard. I'm back at work now. I have my slip ups but I'm down to once a month at the hospital. I really can fight this on my own... I can... you know, prove it to you," he said, looking at Louis with wide eyes, a bit scared as to how he was going to react. "If we do this. If we try getting back together, I'd appreciate it if you just let me work on this on my own. I appreciate support, but I need my independence. I think you were trying to care for me in ways that you couldn't with your sister... maybe..."

Louis nodded. During the hours he had spent thinking about Harry and what went wrong, he realized that he often overstepped and tried to control Harry in ways he shouldn't have. He realized now that Harry had to make the choice to recover on his own -- that he couldn't always get someone to watch him in the bathroom or come and help him with portions. That Harry had to be responsible for himself most of the time.

"I... yeah. You're right. I'll always be there if you need help, but I won't overstep like I did before," Louis said with a slow nod. "I... I missed you Harry. I couldn't stop thinking about you...all this time..."

"I read your article," Harry said, interrupting him. "Honestly, I feel the same way. Sorry for not reaching out sooner. I... I'm not over you. I still love you, Lou."

Louis nodded, slowly getting up and walking to Harry's side of the booth. "Can I?" he asked quietly, staring fondly at Harry's soft curls and big eyes. "Yeah," Harry said, scooting over to make room for him."

"I don't know if things will ever be the same. But... I'm gonna try to make things work this time around. I love you, too, H. I never stopped loving you for a second," Louis said, stroking Harry's hair softly. Harry nodded, leaning forward and gripping Louis in a warm hug, his chest muscles hard against Louis' torso.

Louis breathed in Harry's shampoo, the world blurring around him as he closed his eyes and burrowed into Harry's hard shoulders. He felt home.


	40. Stronger

"Oh my god, this is amazing Harry," Louis said, his blue eyes sparkling in the harsh light of the bakery. He and Harry were sitting across from each other at a tiny red table for two trying Harry's latest creation: a chocolate mousse-peanut butter layer cake.

Harry smiled, his dimples creeping across his cheeks as he looked at Louis, who now had chocolate all over his face. Reaching across the table, he took a napkin to his boyfriend's lips as he giggled. "So messy, Lou," he said. "But thank you, babe. I worked hard on this one."

Harry took a bite of his own slice of cake, his taste buds singing as the moist frosting hit his tongue. It had been a year since Harry had gone to rehab -- and nearly 8 months since he had gotten back together with Louis. The voice in his head was still very much there, but it was much quieter, and Harry made an effort every day to challenge it, eating his favorite foods and desserts and pushing the worry to the back of his mind. Some days were much harder than others, but today was a good day, and Harry tucked into the cake without much of a second thought.

"How's Niall?" Harry asked, taking a sip of Louis' coffee. Louis flashed him an exaggerated angry look, as if to say 'don't take my drink,' but quickly turned his frown into a smile. "He's great. He and Sophie love their new place. It's by the water. They actually asked us to get dinner Friday. How does that sound?"

Harry nodded in response. Since Niall had moved out of Louis' apartment last month, Harry hadn't seen much of him and was eager to catch up with the peppy Irish lad.

"Sounds great, love. Do you miss him?" Harry inquired. Over the past few months, he and Louis had explored the power of communication, and realized that nothing was too big or small to talk about -- it was better to get feelings out in the open than to bottle them up. And Harry had noticed that Louis had seemed a bit down since his companion left.

"I do," Louis admitted. "He hasn't been great about communicating because the move has been so stressful... You know, Niall, he had to check a hundred different places before he found the perfect one. And don't say a word, but I think he's planning on proposing soon. I just hope he still has time for me..." Louis' eyes flitted down to his converse sneakers, as they usually did when he got uncomfortable.

"I understand," Harry said, nodding. "I know what it's like to lose a close friend. But you won't lose him, Lou. Niall's great." Harry sighed as he thought of Zayn, who had also just moved out a few weeks ago. After what happened with Louis, Zayn became extremely awkward and standoffish around Harry. While he used to be Harry's go to friend to confide in, he quickly turned into a stranger, barely saying hello when he entered the flat and spending almost all his time in his room. Harry began to think back to the last time he had seriously spoken with Zayn, his heart sinking a little.

"Hey, you eating well, yeah?" Zayn asked over tea the week before he left. Harry nodded, and replied with a soft "yeah." There were a million other things that he wanted to talk to Zayn about like the latest cake order at the bakery and his upcoming date with Louis at the cabaret. But Zayn's glassy eyes and blank face told him that it was probably better to just stay quiet.

"Good to hear. Listen, Harry. I'm sorry I've been so cold for the past few months. I know we've talked about it... and I went to therapy. But I just can't get over my guilt, and I also can't get over Liam. I see him every day at the office. And it's really become too much for me. I'm taking a new job in Newcastle," Zayn told him, his brown eyes connecting with Harry's green ones for the first time in ages. "I'm really sorry, Harry. I was waiting until you seemed better, and now you do. Are you okay with this? Do you think you can handle being on your own?"

Harry felt his face flush red and twisted his curls nervously in his fingers. "Honestly, Zayn. It's felt like I've been living alone for a while," he admitted, coming off a bit colder than he had anticipated. Zayn nodded, understandingly, looking over at Harry with a guilty expression. "I know, I'm sorry," he replied, rubbing Harry's arm softly. "For everything."

It wasn't just Zayn who had deserted Harry. It was Liam too-- he was still living with his friend Joe on the other side of town, and though he kept in touch with Harry through weekly lunches, things were never the same as they used to be.

Harry thought things would be easier to resolve with Liam than Zayn, since Liam hadn't been involved in the cheating scandal. But Harry quickly realized that months of unaddressed tension had built up between them, mostly due to Liam's commanding attitude and control issues surrounding Harry's eating disorder.

Like with Zayn, Harry's interactions with Liam quickly became tense and overly formal, with Liam mostly asking how Harry was doing. Harry would always "fine." Then Liam would tell Harry a one sentence story about the office and Harry would respond with a one sentence blurb about the bakery.

And they never, ever spoke of Louis or Zayn.

As painful as the experiences were with his two former best friends, however, they helped Harry grow--they helped him to finally gain some independence within his recovery. Without Zayn and Liam hovering about making sure he ate or didn't purge, it was up to him to get the job done. And he slowly discovered that he was a lot more capable than he thought, especially when he started going to a new therapist who helped him work through his issues with food.

Harry realized that he didn't need Zayn or Liam in his life-- he didn't need anyone. But there were certain people he wanted in his life. Like Niall and Louis. And his friends at the bakery. People who made him happy, people who supported him and wanted to know how his day was going -- not whether or not he ate the entirety of his plate.

As Harry sat in the cafe with Louis, laughing and nibbling on chocolate cake, he never felt more content. He never felt more free from his demons. And maybe that's why he asked Louis the question that he did that afternoon.

"Hey, Lou... can I ask you something?" Harry asked, shifting the subject away from their friends. Louis nodded, a curious smile forming on his lips. "Sure, babe," he said, excitedly. "Are you going to ask me to write an article called 101 ways my man is sexy? Because I already have the draft saved..."

Harry chuckled, grabbing Louis' hand across the table. "No, love. I was thinking, since Zayn just moved out, and he stops covering rent starting next week, I am probably going to have to move since I can't afford it alone. And Niall just moved out of your place.... so... would you want to live together?"

Louis smiled at Harry, his eyes crinkling around the edges. "Harry Styles?" he asked, his voice raising an octave. "Are you asking me for the sake of saving money or are you asking me because you love me and think it would be super fun to live together?"

Harry laughed, standing up and elbowing Louis in the side. "Just to save money, I suppose. You're awful company," Harry joked. Louis stood up too and wrapped his hands tenderly around Harry's waist. "Well, whatever the circumstance, my answer is yes. Of course I love that idea," he replied, jumping onto his tip toes and kissing Harry gently. He tasted like chocolate and coffee beans.

"Awesome," Harry said, scooping Louis up and swinging him around in his arms. "But just remember. No touching the toaster... or anything in the kitchen for the matter."

Louis smiled, his body feeling with contentment, washing away the anxiety that had riddled him for so many months when he wondered whether or not Harry would ever forgive him. "I won't babe," Louis cooed. "Don't you worry."


	41. Author's Commentary

Hi guys! This story has recently gotten a lot of new readers and I want to thank you all for checking out the story, especially if you made it this far.

Following the story's ending, I just wanted to include a few final thoughts and reflections about the story, and if you guys have questions, please feel free to comment them here and I will try my best to answer them!

~Anorexia & Eating Disorders - This is a topic that hits close to home for me personally, as I struggled with anorexia throughout most of high school. I used a lot of my personal experience to depict what Harry was going through - and how he basically had two sets of thoughts, his own thoughts and his 'eating disorder' thoughts or "the voice," as I often called it in the story. The voice is what is distorting his thoughts and compelling him to starve and overexercise. The stronger the voice gets, the more an individual loses themselves to the disorder, which is why Liam was saying he hardly recognized Harry and he was nothing like his old self.

Ultimately, I chose to center my story around Harry's eating disorder because I think it's a really important topic that is often not talked about or considered taboo. I want to help raise awareness about these issues and show others who are struggling that they are not alone. Hopefully, this story gave you a better understanding of what life is like with an eating disorder - or helped you work through your own experiences, if it's something you can relate to.

In terms of Harry's recovery, I think it was really important that he made the decision to start working on his recovery on his own. Liam and Zayn could try to force him to eat all they wanted, but if he didn't have the will to eat on his own, he would never fully be able to recover. Louis was also trying to help fix him, but the truth is, no one can fix you; you can only fix yourself. It's a long and difficult process, especially because the only way to get better is to gain weight and eat (Which is the last thing anorexic patients want to do). However, as I've shown with Harry, it is entirely possible to recover and lead a happy and healthy life after.

~Sex Addiction - In addition to anorexia, Harry also had a sex addiction, which tends to co-occur with eating disorders in some cases (depression, anxiety, PTSD are other diseases that co-occur with eating disorders). Sex was his way of getting a release, even when he couldn't starve himself. This was tough for me to write because I don't have personal experience with this. But I wanted to show how he is dealing with multiple demons, and that he is not totally a victim in this story. Harry also has the power to be selfish too and he hurt Louis by having meaningless sex with others. Obviously, sex addiction is a real problem and it's not his fault - he didn't intentionally do it to upset Louis - but we understand why Louis feels betrayed.

~Harry's Baking - The baking aspect of the story wasn't in there just to be cute (although, it was, hopefully, full of cute moments). It was Harry's passion and his motivator to get better. Usually in recovery, you have best success when you're fighting to get healthy so you can return to something you love. For me, it was running track - when I got too sick, I had to stop, and all I wanted was to go back. For Harry, it was baking. It's what got him through and motivated him to keep eating even when he wanted to give up.

~Louis' Cheating Scandal - This was something I literally had no intention of putting in the story, it sort of just happened. Honestly, I think it was pretty savage, almost too savage. But in the end, it shows that Louis is human. He was trying so hard to be this perfect boyfriend for Harry and to protect him and keep him safe, but really he was struggling with insecurities of his own and that's what ended up being his biggest character flaw. He was also trying to give Harry the support he couldn't give his sister (as Niall wisely pointed out), and it's not until he realizes that Harry's journey is something he has to do alone that he is able to truly connect with him. There are no heroes in this story - everyone makes mistakes and it's all about learning.

~Liam + Zayn - It saddened me that Zayn and Liam broke up and moved out of the flat in the end. But it was bound to happen. Liam's jealousy and anger issues created a toxic relationship, and Zayn started to look elsewhere. Staying together wouldn't have been healthy, and I wish they would have been able to work it out and stay roommates, but it just didn't seem possible.

~The ending - I usually like to go with happy endings, as I want the reader to be happy when they finish my stories. But I definitely don't like endings that are too over the top happy. My goal was for everyone to grow as a character and make decisions that improved their lives for the better. I hope I accomplished that.

~What to read next? If you liked this story, I also wrote another story about Larry and eating disorders called "Together." In this story, both Harry and Louis struggle with eating disorders. Harry had anorexia years prior, and Louis is in the depths of it at the time of the story. This story goes into much more depth about the recovery process, and is also a bit darker than Let Me Show You How to Love Yourself, as the story begins with the boys broken up and grappling with their feelings and frustrations for one another.

I also highly recommend "The College Experience" by HippieHearted, which is a Larry romance about anxiety/depression and has mentions of eating disorders. In addition to that, literally any work by SullenFairy is amazing - especially "Beneath the Midnight Sky," which deals with anorexia and other mental illnesses in the context of a Larry romance.

Thank you all so so much for reading! <3 Please reach out with any questions and comments you have. Always happy to chat!


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